My Early Thoughts On Death Wish

October 18, 2017 § Leave a comment

So getting into another “Early Thoughts On” article and as much as I have my say on Heathers being rebooted as a television series, that is a little thing compared to something that is so much worth bitching about that it caused my schedule to delay for a few weeks. Admittedly, I also suffer personal problems which I won’t get into but other than that, it has been a while since I am hating on a theatrical reboot in the same anger I have when I saw Total Recall. Before I get to the reboot, I perhaps should start on the basis of it which is the original Death Wish movie franchise.

Now the first Death Wish movie was released in 1974 as based on a novel by Brian Garfield. Despite some changes to the source material, it became a surprise hit that it gained four sequels including the last one which is compared to The Dead Pool in that it has campiness right down to Paul Kemsey killing one of the criminals by using a remote-controlled exploding soccer ball. In my personal opinion, I liked those five movies and it’s just plain fiction involving vigilantism even right down to the ridiculousness of the last one.

And despite Brian’s displeasure, he did wrote a second novel called Death Sentence which focused on his take on Paul Kemsey that differed from his theatrical counterpart. Which in a way is funny since the novel became a loose basis of the movie starring Kevin Bacon, equally good if I should add my personal opinion. So yeah, I like the Death Wish series and like Death Sentence adaptation and like I said, it’s just fiction that might had its own political commentary that didn’t impact me. So now what do I had to say about the upcoming reboot starring Bruce Willis? I should say that I prefer to watch Hudson Hawk instead.

Really, this movie is a bad idea from the get-go and made in a more difficult time in terms of politics and recent happenings like the shooting in Las Vegas. It also a major development hell since it began back in 2006 with Sylvester Stallone tapped to direct and star in it but left due to creative differences. And then Joe Carnahan comes in to give his take with Liam Neeson and Frank Grillo set to star, he left but his script is left behind with Gerardo Naranjo replacing the filmmaker. And then he left and got replaced by Aharon Keshales & Navot Papushado. And then they left due to not have their script rewrites allowed by the studio so now we have Eli Roth as the definitive director for this. So Eli Roth is directing the remake, yeah, that’s already a no-no for me.

The reason why is I actually dislike Eli and I have seen Cabin Fever and the first two Hostel movies to know my dislikeness. Even his acting chops didn’t help so I have to wonder why the guy who gave us the meaning of “torture porn” be the guy to remake Death Wish. And the obvious answer might be because money and MGM really are desperate to piss Brian Garfield in this day and age but they also didn’t expect to piss everybody off as well which thanks to the trailer release, everybody lost it big time and throw political rants at it. I have never seen anything like this but this movie might be so bad that it’s not because of Eli Roth but because of politics.

And Bruce Willis as Paul Kersey who’s now a doctor instead of architect because… just because! He is not fitted as the character, he may be a well-known action hero but I do have to confess and say this, Bruce Willis hasn’t been a good star in a long while. Yeah, he might have good roles every now and then but after Get Free or Die Hard and the Red series plus his attitude which caused him to get fired from The Expendables 3, he is already not the same Bruce Willis we cheered back in the 1980s and 1990s. And he is now doing movies for paychecks so really, how low can he go when a DVD set of movies we didn’t know he starred in is in the bargain bin section.

The supporting cast is puzzling as well. We get Vincent D’Onofrio as his brother Frank, a character not in previous franchises unless one can count that this is a reiteration of Detective Frank Ochoa from the first two movies. Dean Norris and Kimberly Elise are in the case as Detective Rains and Jackson respectively which is not much but Dean did explain he likes being typecast as authority-led characters so at least he’s doing something after the cancellation of Under The Dome. Mike Epps and Elisabeth Shue is in this but I can tell that their roles are hardly gotta be used even for Shue whose character is gonna get killed off so Elisabeth, you were in Leaving Las Vegas so how could you say yes to a movie in which your role is shorter than the others.

The last actor I should add is Beau Knapp as the main villain of the piece and well, he might do good since any actor who plays a villain in Death Wish series has some memorability. Jeff Goldblum and Lawrence Fishburne are notable examples and Michael Parks as well for the last movie so off all the casting calls, I think the only positive is the villain of this and that is gonna sad if I’m gonna predestined to hate the movie where the only good thing is the bad guy.

I mentioned development hell earlier and what I’m gonna say is not helping much matter but last week, the movie that was scheduled to be released next month is now moved to March of next year. Now it might because of the shooting that I brought up earlier, the studio make a right decision on delaying the movie to a later date. But to be honest, I think it should be delayed indefinitely instead because the world is right now in a dangerous place and I dislike shootings but what would happen if there’s another one coming up, would the studio delay it again? I don’t know but outside of my dislikeness on the material and the cast, I think this movie should be cancelled or have a quieter release.

Everybody has already ranted on this and many are triggered by its content so if I were in a studio, I would burn the copy of it and not let it see the light of day. Then again, my words wouldn’t work anyway because in the end, we all know Hollywood is being Hollywood and will continue to be that way even after the recent Harvey Weinstein controversy so I’m a unpaid reviewer whose say is not gonna help fix the issue of this movie and everything else. I might speak my opinion but it’s not gonna start world peace or similar, I’m just one man bitching about the movie and the way the world works right now. So to end this topic, the only thing I should say is uh, wait for The Punisher to come out instead. I think I became a hypocrite after saying that but again, it’s fictional vigilantism plus Netflix is being good with Marvel stuff… except maybe Iron Fist! I think I should get to reviewing now.

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My Early Thoughts On Heathers: The Series

September 16, 2017 § Leave a comment

It has been a while since I have done my early thoughts on anything but given the crap that has already come out like The Emoji Movie or will come out like Young Sheldon, there is stuff to talk about on anything really. And in this one, I’m looking into a television series reboot to a 1988 black comedy classic Heathers… a reboot that should forever remain in development hell! The 1988 movie focuses on Veronica who falls for reckless student J.D. while she’s being somewhat friends with three students all whom their first name is Heather. But given J.D.’s attitude, he and Veronica decide to be killers to those three girls along with few others.

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It was made way before the uncomfortable events that is the 1999 Columbine shooting and its similar killings after that, it’s a movie that wouldn’t work today given the content. However, it is getting a television show so clearly this type of School Murder is back in fashion. Then again, Scream got itself a television series reboot so I don’t know, maybe there’s hope for a reboot of O starring Josh Harnett. The movie was written by Daniel Waters who wrote other stuff like Hudson Hawk, Batman Returns and Demolition Man. And it was directed by Michael Lehmann… who directed Hudson Hawk!

Now to talk about the reboot and it has been in the works since 2009 with networks shifting and changing plots. To start off with the writers, the series will be written by Jason who wrote a few stuff I don’t know about but is an executive producer for Michael Shannon/Kevin Spacey movie Elvis & Nixon. So far so good, I guess. As for the executive producers, I know television shows had more than one so just going with two, we have Tom Rosenberg who has made crap. Okay, he made few good stuff but he’s the guy whose work includes Underworld movies, Gamer, I, Frankenstein and that forgettable Aeon Flux adaptation.

The other executive producer is Gary Lucchesi whom pretty done the same shit as Tom. Yeah, leave the reboot to the two guys who’s responsible for The Ugly Truth. Hey, why not get Len Wiseman as well? He’s doing great for Lucifer… oh wait, I avoid that show like the cancer that is his re-adaptation of Total Recall so don’t hire that guy. Maybe I should get to the cast instead so what’s the deal with the duo playing Veronica and J.D.? I have seen Grace Victoria Cox in Under The Dome so maybe she’s okay as Veronica. And James Scully as J.D.? I don’t know since he started acting last year so who knows.

As for those who played the three Heathers. This would be interesting to talk about. First we have Jasmine Matthews playing Heather McNamara and it’s her first role so maybe she’ll do well. We have Melanie Field as Heather Chandler and she recently started acting so again, maybe she’s cool. And then we have Heather Duke played by Brendan Scannell. Now before I get to how the characters were done for the series, I should bring up that the casting is different and diversed right down to one of the Heathers being played by a male actor and there’s a reason for it.

While the original movie has three Heathers that are rich, posh females, the series altered them greatly by having Heather McNamara as a African-American lesbian, Heather Chandler being described as “having a body like Martha Dumptruck” (that’s what the press release & news articles has mentioned so I’m guessing the word “plus size” is non-existent to them or something) and Heather Duke be a genderqueer. And I don’t mind these changes, we are living in progressive times and I’m a very open-minded person when it comes to this. I however am puzzled by the fact on how the story is setting now. Besides Heather Chandler, both McNamara and Duke fall to LGBT+ community so by that logic, it means that Veronica and J.D. had being revamped as cisgender, heterosexual serial killers. And this is the point where I’m now concerned about how the reboot is being played out.

Now if they follow the movie template, we know that Heather Duke will survive but still, it’s two straight people killing two Heathers, one of which is a lesbian. Speaking of Heather Duke, Shannen Doherty is in the show and possibly reprising her character from the movie so like Poltergeist remake and the upcoming Flatliners reboot, it’s the “new material being subtly canon with the old material” trick… in a weird way since let me put to you like this, both Heather McNamara and Heather Chandler in the movie died so um, how do they have offsprings with the same first & last name? Was there a teenage pregnancy plot I didn’t know? Maybe the three new Heathers are related to original Heather Duke? This reboot that’s possibly canon to the movie is now confusing as fuck.

And in case we have Shannen in the show, Selma Blair is also in the show so yeah, I’m now thinking of Cruel Intentions than Heathers in this topic. Her character is not mentioned and I look into other casts and some are newcomers while few are not. Heck, I didn’t mention that Brendan is not a newcomer but whatever, Heathers is now a show where heterosexual still needs to be a thing so fuck, let’s kill a girl who’s into girls, a girl who’s into food (?) and a guy who’s a Mx. This show is now set to becoming as dangerous as 13 Reasons Why.

So yeah, I don’t know if I’ll watch it and it’s not just the way it played out but again, I’ve seen the teaser and it look horrid from the get-go so I give this a season or less. Now that I’m talking about one reboot, I think I’m cool with talking about another shortly and before anybody ask, it’s not the genderswapped re-adaptation of Lord of the Flies. It’s something else that actually pissed me though.

 

Asylum Seeker: Sharknado 5 (Part 2)

September 2, 2017 § Leave a comment

Yeah, still reviewing this movie. But before that, Sharknado 5 is indeed somewhat differed to the previous four because while the four were written by Thunder Levin, this one is written by Scotty Mullen who was in Sharknado: Heart of Sharkness as himself and as Jackie Collins’ escort in Sharknado 3. He does have other writing credit like The Fast And The Fierce and Zoombies so does this answer on why I think the series starts to pick up again? I don’t know but hey, anything is possible.

Returning to the movie with Fin, April and Nova in Sydney in which they got quickly rescued by a helicopter while they’re in a sea full of few sharks but not before one of the sharks have bitten April’s lower half of her body but survived of course. And then we got cut to Today Australia with Karl Stefanovic and Lisa Wilkinson reporting on weather alert. And oh god, for a movie series in which every character acts straight even if they are playing themselves. Both Karl and Lisa acted horribly and it’s not because I don’t like them, it’s really them as if they are acting for the first time ever in a Tommy Wiseau manner.

The three got taken to the Sharknado Sisters HQ which is of all places Sydney Opera House and April is getting rebuilt by Orion (Olivia Newton-John) and Electra (Chloe Lattanzi). I do give it this, Olivia as a good mad scientist seems to fit and she seems to know that she’s in a bad movie rather than being unaware like in Xanadu or Two Of A Kind. Fin argues with Nova about the fact she mentioned Fin’s cousin Gemini (Masila Lusha) being part of her team.

Speaking of Gemini, she’s in a boat near China trying to stop the contamination of radioactive waste while stopping the attack. It didn’t work out exactly as thought obviously. Back to Sydney and April is now rebuilt and revamped as uh, a Paris Hilton wannabe! Fin likes it but wait, a tornado has appeared in Sydney and Orion is transforming the Opera House as a defense system with Karl and Lisa still reporting it in a poor acting way. One of the Opera House shell barriers didn’t work so Orion called in a secret weapon to fix it manually – Tony Hawk aka The Hawk!

The Hawk fixed it of course and the house is shooting the tornado with lasers and flying shell barriers, all while Fin and April catches up to retrieve their son by bungee jumping. The two didn’t and somehow ended up in Brazil with Rodolfo (John Hennigan) in front of them helping them but not before being followed by Zico (Greg Louganis). Rodolfo takes them to Vega (Tiffany Pollard) who explains the artifact as being a security system that protects the world from further sharknadoes. However, the artifact has been taken away and Fin is driving after Zico which transports them from Brazil to Italy through the vortex, with the car being protected by Christ the Redeemer statue.

The chase is still on and Fin fought Zico in the colosseum. Fin got the artifact back and they continue to follow the tornado but their car is out of gas and the tornado disappears. With Fin being angry, April has an idea which is to use coins in the wishing well (?) and they got help from Consigliere (Downtown Julie Brown) who takes them to quite possibly the most ridiculous, funniest cameo I have ever seen… which is Fabio as the Pope!

I… just… don’t know! This is the kind of cameo that makes me think what the casting director is smoking. And it’s not just that, Pope Fabio gave Fin a holy chainsaw which makes him stop doubting himself. Oh, and we cut to Okinawa with Simone (Margaret Cho) and Peter (Jai Rodriguez) having a honeymoon but a radioactive flood full of sharks killed them. After Fabio’s cameo, it’s followed by the weakest one so their cameo is pointless. Gemini mentioned that the flood is heading to Japan. Back in Italy, Fin and April have a plan to chase the tornado vortex again and they used the artifact for it.

The plan is that April holds the rope with her superhuman strength while Fin goes in the tornado and get his son back but again, it didn’t work and the two ended up in Tokyo. They are still chasing but the flood appears near them and one of the civilians called it Sharkzilla (of course). And we are back in Kansas with Matt and Steven about to get in the shelter but Steven notices something on his cell phone that involves Sharkzilla obviously. They cut to Today with Kathie Lee Gifford, Al Roker and Hoda Kotb reporting (again, of course). Back in Japan and it seems Pokémon Go is a good game to destroy the sharks… seriously!

Nova and her team arrive to save Gil by she died with Sharkzilla being defeated. Not a great plan really but yeah, a fan-favorite character died even by dressing up like an action heroine. It’s not over as sharknado begins appearing across the world including Africa with Gilbert Gottfried returned as Mac from It’s Always Sunny. Okay, he’s actually returning as Ron McDonald but hey, gonna mention a show that also involves a Ronald McDonald anyway. The shelter in Kansas didn’t work and both Matt, Steve and the other members of Shepard family are dead, with Fin hearing about it on Matt’s phone.

It seems Fin and April are left in the family and the two are about to return the artifact in Stonehenge but they instead ended up in Egypt and Fin sees heliographics involving sharks (yeah, this is getting ridiculous) before placing the crystal key within the artifact to its place. The door opens and they see equipment that presumably ends sharknado for good. He succeed it and Fin gets a call from Gemini who’s still alive. However, the stop is short-lived as the wheels are turning back and causes further sharknadoes killing everybody in sight.

Fin jams the wheel and it didn’t work causing an apocalyptic happening. April attempts to stop the vortex within the tornado while Fin tries to stop the coming tsunami and then, April went super saiyan on us. No really, she exhausts her power levels by flaming on which results to sacrificing herself and the plan worked. Fin survived and discovers April’s head which means yeah, she’s dead so Fin is officially the last of the Shepards. Honestly, this movie is taking a dark turn and it would be something if the movie ended like this but we got a few minutes left so what I’m gonna say next is mind-boggling.

Fin is walking alone from Egypt to India to Seattle finding survivors but nothing has been found until he ended up in Russian with a car driving near him and Fin discovers his son has grown up to be Dolph Lundgren! I am not shitting you about this, Ivan Drago is Steve Sander’s son! So Adult Gil reveals to Fin that he’s a time traveler and the vortex also involves time travel. The movie is then concluded with a Back to the Future “To Be Continued” logo appearing and the two are about to travel back and save the family once and for all. Again, I am not shitting you.

It is a bit sad that I’m not reviewing Sharknado 6 next year. Granted, I will watch it but this movie is an epic in crack fic proportions. For a movie series that has its ups and downs, I thought this sequel is gonna suck but it topped it big time and I just can’t fathom why it went to this kind of ridiculous level in terms of storytelling, dialogue, special effects and casting choices. It may be a bad movie but it’s a first good sequel since Sharknado 2 and maybe Sharknado 6 will be the last of the series, the ending coda in this movie felt like it’s setting up to one more movie but who knows. Well, I am done my part on this movie so next time, I’ll look into something else.

Asylum Seeker: Sharknado 5 (Part 1)

August 22, 2017 § Leave a comment

Oh good god, I have seen Sharknado 5: Global Swarming and I can’t believe that I have to say this but uh, can I ignore what I wrote on my pre-review announcement and review the sixth one next year? Well, the sad answer is no because I do still stick with what I say and yeah, I will review the sixth one but I do need a break from this franchise. It might be just one year or two or three but there are other things I can do so there’s that.

And this might be the first but given that it’s a not a single parter, I’m doing something different. Not only am I recapping this movie but critique within the recap rather than after it and I don’t know if I have done this before but after years of me starting the review with me talking about the director or somebody else to recap the movie to my thoughts about it. I do feel it needs a change of pace but not straight away so I am trying my best to make a review that’s not as much messy as The Apocalypse. And to start this review off is my first cringeworthy moment being this logo screenshot.

We open with Nova (Cassie Scerbo) and her so-called “Sharknado Girls” team-mates as she goes to a cave that’s located near Stonehenge and discover drawings indicate that Sharknado was a thing in pre-historic times. Meanwhile in London, Fin, April and Gilbert Jr (Ian Ziering, Tara Reid & Billy Barratt) are greeted to MI6 Headquarters by Chris Kattan as a secret agent-turned-prime minister. Yes, Cocky Romano is now a leader of the United Kingdom and with an English accent.

While meeting up with Llewelyn (Clay Aiken, and nice 007 name reference there) and Ms Moore (Samantha Fox), Fin gets a call from Nova to come to the cave and he indeed went there. Llewelyn is showing April and Gil some gadgets and gave Gil a shark-like hat that somewhat protects him. Fin and Nova wander through the cave and discovers drawings of a earlier Sharknado happening and the artifact so in case you don’t get the obvious Indiana Jones-like logo in the beginning, they decide to take the artifact and replace it with something of a similar weight and this is a thing that is happening – both Fin and Nova unintentionally caused a mystical Sharknado event to occur. Okay, with that, I now see why Fin keeps sensing and fighting a tornado full of sharks.

Fin alerted April and he and Nova decides to go back to the UK with April and Gil on the bridge all while Prime Minister Cocky Romano (and I’m sticking by that name) got one of his legs chopped off while he fights the sharks. Nova took a double-decker bus to the Buckingham palace which hits Bret Michaels but he survives for a couple of minutes by playing a guitar solo before a shark took him. Upon reaching the palace, Fin charges all the English soldiers to attack sharks before he gets inside, stopped the shark while riding it, took a crown that’s inside it and give it to a queen that’s played by Spanish actress Charo. And then another animated opening credit montage twenty minutes within the movie.

Okay, a bit of pause for the moment and this is so far the most ridiculous twenty minutes I have ever seen. While I still have a lot to go through, this is really the most bat-shit way to start a Sharknado movie. I mean, why is Chris Kattan and Clay Aiken in this as British characters including Charo who hasn’t said a line? Then again, I shouldn’t answer it because this is just a tip of an iceberg on the most baffling cameos I ever seen. Just you wait till we get to the Italy portion of the movie.

Getting back and I forgot to mention that Gil killed a shark with his shark hat but not before he got taken by a Sharknado which he manages to survive so what does Fin, April and Nova to do? Go to a nearby NATO meeting with Nichelle Nichols playing one of them. Okay, that is one of the cameos that kind of make better sense. Prime Minister Cocky Romano appears blaming Fin for this but Sharknado appears killing him and others in the process and Dance Moms‘ Abbey Lee Miller helps the three getting to Hindenberg XP 3000 (yes, they question the name) which is piloted by entrepreneur Dr. Angel (Geraldo Rivera).

Dr. Angel got killed and they ended up in Switzerland with Sasha Cohen nearby killing few sharks with her skates before she’s gone to the celebrity cameo dead pool. And what happens next? They hatched a plan to get Gil away from the tornado by having April becoming a tornado herself. Sure, why not? Meanwhile in Kansas, Matt Shepard (Cody Linley) is building to hide him and others in along with Steven Beck (Russell Hodgkinson). Matt is calling up Fin about what’s going on and notice a storm is coming but anyway, let’s get back to Fin and the others. As the three got into the Sharknado, they try to retrieve Gil but instead got into some strange purple lightning wormhole that landed them in Sydney.

And I hate to do this but there’s more to go so may as well stopped here, I may as well have to stop here because the next one is under fifty minutes worth of material left and there is a lot to talk about. So far, this sequel kind of ups the ante with the cameos, parodic references and other stuff that forever baffles me. Surprisingly, I didn’t hate it but I have the feeling that I regret the pre-review announcement but I am keeping my word.

The Bibleman Adventure: Defeating The Shadow Of Doubt

August 15, 2017 § Leave a comment

Getting to the first episode of The Bibleman Adventure (even though the opening credits contains The Bibleman Show theme song) and not only the title of the show has been changed but a few things have been updated in a way. While previous episodes has Miles fighting solo as the character, this episode starts with him fighting alongside a sidekick by the name of Coats. And not only, he and Coats are aided by a sentient computer known as U.N.I.C.E. as voiced by Willie’s wife aka the villainess from a previous episode.

But as much as he got a sidekick, I now have a question that is in the same place as how did the Bible get into a dirt as I mention in a previous episode – Who is Coats and how did he became a sidekick? Forget it’s saying it’s god’s work and all but he just became a sidekick out of nowhere. The first we saw of him is within the same place Miles works at as the hero and no explanation is given on why he’s there. To also make it more awkward, he’s only his sidekick for few handle of episodes and he later got replaced for unknown reasons.

So we on to Defeating The Shadow of Doubt and we meet up with Kyla (Kyla Pratt) who is casting doubts about her life and religion thanks to her parents arguing constantly. As Bibleman tries to help her out, he discovers that a villain known as The Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons) is behind this as he hides in the church’s basement, and with his own sidekick Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford). He tries to stop him but The Shadow of Doubt also puts Bibleman under the spell as he casts his own doubt.

He later against his own spell and with the help of Coats, you know the outcome to this by now. Bibleman defeated evil and Kyla is no longer questioning herself. Okay, before I get to this, I should mention that yeah, I know it’s a children’s show that aims to them about their own religion and understanding. It has a sense of education and campy fun mixed in but if there’s one I should bring it up, it’s that it’s becoming more copy and paste in terms of storyline.

Bibleman tries to help a child but discovers a villain is nearby, he fought the villain a couple of times and wins in the end. It was like that in a couple of episodes and a bunch more after that. While it did have changes, it’s becoming a bit repetitive. Oh well, I’ll still look up to the show because while I may expect a little is new in terms of plot synopsis, at least there are differences. And this might be surprising but The Shadow of Doubt will return in later episodes, although in different identities. Ludicrous however remains the same so we have Bibleman’s answer to Otis from the first two Superman movies I guess.

It’s nothing much unless you wanna see The Shadow of Doubt having his rap number or him along with Bibleman breaking the fourth wall (yeah, Bibleman is aware you are watching him now) but it’s already same-plot-different-take as I brought up. At least it’s starting to feel a step-up after seeing few episodes but I hope I’m not jinxing that and now I doubt (no pun intended) I gonna enjoy later episodes but we’ll see so under then, I gonna see if The Shadow of Doubt’s rap number got some vaporwave makeover or something.

Sharknado 5 (Pre-Review Announcement)

August 7, 2017 § Leave a comment

Today is the day Sharknado 5: Global Swarming airs on SyFy and while I have yet to watch and review it, I thought I should make a Pre-Review announcement regarding this movie and the franchise itself and the announcement is a hard one but I must say it so the news about it is this, I think I’m retiring myself from reviewing the franchise after this movie and for a number of reasons that I hope it’s understandable.

While I’m trying not to go repetitive on what I said before, I mention a bunch of times about my dislikeness that Sharknado is becoming a parody of its genre but I do have understanding on it thanks to me looking at Sharknado: Feeding Frenzy. However, I now felt that the parody route they are going for is way overexposed and repetitive on this. I honestly thought it was having three movies but the fourth one is kind of pushing it and now we have a fifth one and possibly more.

There’s more to parody route and again, it goes to overexposure but this movie is already known for being a celebrity cameo deathpool. The first movie kind of have it with Cousin Oliver being the first case and then we have a sequel that includes Kelly Osbourne, Robert Hays, Perez Hilton and even Jared Fogle fallen to their sharkbites. Everybody who’s famous, infamous or formerly famous wants in the action after it and it is really getting sad. While not seeing the fifth at this time of writing, I found out Nichelle Nichols, Chris Kattan and Today Australia’s Karl Stefanovic is in this. Seriously, Karl Stefanovic? The guy who he himself said that he’s the Donald Trump of Breakfast TV? Uh, fuck this shit.

The third point is that the franchise is really losing steam and while the fifth now focuses on Sharknadoes throughout the world, I have to wonder what point is there to this? The third one has peaked when Fin, April and Gil going to Space so what is there to go beyond it? Uh, I do also heard that the fifth one might involve time travel or something so I’m not sure but then again, I do find it obvious that it’s coming since when I watched 2 Lava 2 Lantula, there’s a scene where Kyle discusses the craziness on Florida and he heard news that makes Florida Man blushed including a story involving a time machine. An guy who was an intern to Colton West mentioned time machine as a Florida story so I don’t know, I expect the sixth one now to be called Sharknado 666 and that the plot reveals that Lucifer is responsible for the continuous Sharknado craze. I might be wrong but if not, then it means that The Asylum has read my shit and that I think I need to go in hiding after that assumption.

Last point and this is hard but I’ll explain it. I like bad movies as much as the next guy and I’m a sucker when it comes to movies by Ed Wood, Uwe Boll, Tommy Wiseau, Neil Breen and so on. And when it comes to Sharknado, it makes me delay my time reviewing each one because honestly, I have low-to-no expectations and whenever I decide to go watch this one, I immediately change my mind and watch something else instead many times. I’m only a fan of the franchise when it comes to the first movie and Heart of Sharkness. Heck, maybe the first sequel as well but anything else is really getting me annoyed and  not amused that I am surprised that this franchise is still a thing.

So I do apologize if I might not review the sixth one next year but do keep in mind that I never say never in any case and somewhere down the road, I might look into the movie beyond 2018 and anything left in the franchise that shouldn’t exist. Heck, if Jeff Fahey or Nicolas Cage or Bruce Campbell is involved in the next one or later, I’ll might go back to it but it’s my site and I’m putting my foot down on this one. So in a week or two, I’ll look into the fifth one and with no delays and whether I’ll like it or not, it depends but I am losing my interest more and more on this series and wish to move on so uh, this is my say on the matter so hope you understand.

2 Lava 2 Lantula

August 6, 2017 § Leave a comment

I mention this plenty of times that I will be reviewing this and now I have seen 2 Lava 2 Lantula, a sequel to Lavalantula that has Steve Guttenberg fighting against giant spiders coming out of lava. And it is good timing given that Sharknado 5: Global Swarming is airing this month so is this sequel worth the wait and am I having a deja vu feeling that Lavalantula follows Sharknado’s path being that it over-spoof the sci-fi monster genre in a cheap, get-the-joke manner? Well, the short answer is that why is Sharknado getting another sequel and not this one instead? Really, That train is already gone.


Uh, I’ll save that for Sharknado 5 later this month. To recap the first movie, Steve plays Colton West, a washed-up action star who suddenly becomes an unlikely hero in Los Angeles as he foughts those fantastical spiders while saving his family and friends in the process. Thanks to that, his heroism is what puts him back in the spotlight so how does the sequel follow-up? Well, let’s just say it opens up with Guttenberg and Michael Winslow in police uniform.


Colton and Marty (Michael Winslow) are filming their role for Clown Cops in Florida with director Josh (Josh Sussman) in the chair. But with his stepdaughter Raya (Michele Weaver) in Florida, she and her friends are caught up in the second wave of Lavalantulas, she tries to escape along with Daniella (Lorynn York) and hide but not before they encounter TJ (RJ Walker) and Bruck (Erron Jay) whom is inspired by Colton’s actions to become heroes themselves. Colton, Marty and Colton’s intern Kyle (Jimmy Bellinger) decides to fight spiders again while Colton goes and get his daughter to safety.


However, it seems Colton has a bit of competition with Colonel Jester (Martin Kove) and his man appearing in Florida to destroy Lavalantulas by their own means which includes planning to drop a nuke on the mother of all Lavalantulas known as The Gargantulantula. After getting his stepdaughter and TJ to safely following the deaths of Daniella and Bruck, he meets up with TJ’s father Hal (Raymond Forchion) who knows how to fly a plane and helps Colton stop The Gargantulantula in a similar way he did in a previous movie except with the use of fire-retardant that Hal used earlier. Colton himself falls to The Gargantulantula’s location with a package of fire retardants and survives leaving a sequel that I wish would come out this year to be honest.

And really, it is a solid sequel but this is a surprising thing to add. It lampoons more properly than Sharknado did even with Steve doing his gritty action hero style which I honestly laugh at and has some good references from Dr Strangelove to Crocodile Dundee. There is minor negatives but it’s not impactful to say the least. Instead of , the movie is directed by Nick Simon and while I haven’t seen his other stuff, he did well for this movie so hope he’ll do good stuff in the future. And now, I am set to review yet another Sharknado movie but not before a couple of things coming along first.