September 28, 2010 § Leave a comment
I may be an Australian but I pretty much have a Polish background. More than just that, Australia is now more multi-cultural than just a land of “Shrimp on the Barbies” (BTW, I hate seafood so I prefer my own taste). You see, Poland could also be multi-cultural despite me never been there. So if I ever go there, I might look up the first home of Roman Polanski to see how fucked up it is. Not Only that, I would have some Polish Vodka that Bruce Willis took a shot and buy most of the posters I’m gonna list here.
Bruce Willis – Honorary Polish Citizen, Muthafucker!
These lists of these posters are often misleading, misspelling at times and completely fucked up (save one of them that’s in the list) and I’m surprised they are still doing that. Heck, There are posters like these outside Poland as well but I do know that there’s a website where you can get these posters at an expensive american price (kinda like Star Wars posters) so I might go to Poland and probably get it cheap but what are the chances anyway (uh, I’m a fear of flying) so let me start the list in alphabetical order anyway…
Blue Thunder: Whoa, Look at this cover. If anybody wanna see what a helicopter with a bloody eagle’s beak looks like? Here you go. I hardly remember seeing this movie but I do know the fact that Malcolm McDowell is in this (but “McDowel” is either a misspelling or a polish language version of that?).
Boogie Nights: Aah, Boogie Nights. A movie about the rise and fall of the notorious pornographic superstar. As for the poster, I don’t remember Dirk Diggler spotting that hairdo while getting banged with a blonde female in that position (and in front of everybody including a woman eating an banana-like fruit). So if everybody wanna see a movie that stars Luis Guzman, Burt Reynolds, Julianne Moore and… Wait, Since when does Luis Guzman gets that kind of top billing! And why Mark Wahlberg isn’t mentioned in the poster?
Mona Lisa: Hmm, I never heard of an porno movie called Mona Lisa and wait – Bob Hoskins and Michael Caine is in this and they’re getting a possible three-way with this Mona Lisa character. Okay, I kid about the porn-like poster but at least it’s nothing like that french movie poster of Bad Lieutenant (look it up if you dare).
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest: I seem to wonder what’s good? A movie where Jack Nicholson is in the mental institution or a movie poster suggesting there’s a character with that kind of look featured in this? I prefer the first one since I don’t wanna how the polish audience became more confused.
Pulp Fiction: The movie looks okay – but with one problem. Look at this poster. Oh yes, Some polish movie poster artist has made Jules Winnfield an blackface character (and that’s just racist). I just have to wonder if Quentin Tarantino himself owned the poster since he’s a total movie buff (he even owns an 33mm print of “Manos” The Hands of Fate and met his idol Brian Trenchard-Smith).
Rain Man: Oh, I can’t wait to see a movie where Rain Man is a superhero who has the obsession with these numbers? Wait, What do you mean the logo is ripped off from Tim Burton’s Batman and what do you mean the fact that Dustin Hoffman’s character is mentally handicapped? I refuse to believe that Rain Man isn’t a superhero movie.
Return Of The Jedi: I liked this poster but felt mislead when C-3PO is in front of these three major characters. Seriously, What has he done in this movie and don’t tell me he’s involved with the Ewoks resisting against the Stormtroopers because that’s just stupid.
The Golden Child: What do I think of this Eddie Murphy movie by looking at this poster? I can see that he plays an skrull-like devil and it sets within New York. As for the bird in the poster, it must be some sort of symbolism.
The Women Loves Balds: I’m pretty confused that there’s a movie called “The Woman Loves Balds” and the poster suggests that Marilyn Monroe and Marlene Dietrich is having a lesbian relationship. Then again, I’m more confused that it’s been called “Picture of the Century” since I never heard about this movie (nor having seen any Marilyn Monroe & Marlene Dietrich movies).
Yellow Submarine: I can see Ringo, John, Paul, George and their Sgt Pepper counterparts flying to the air with the Yellow Submarine holding the big blue hand and bombing Pepperland in this war masterpiece. Actually, That didn’t happened so fuck whoever made this poster because it looks stupid.
So there you go, The weirdest Polish movie posters in existence. If you wanna check more, The website is http://www.polishposters.com where you can order it. So if you excuse me while I’m gonna give one more screencaption (and this movie poster is made in Japan rather than Poland)…
Army Of Darkness: According To Japan, Bruce Campbell has literally sold out to Campbell’s Soup.
September 27, 2010 § Leave a comment
I remember back in a decade before when I heard that Eddie Murphy was gonna take the role of Dr. Dolittle and I can safely say that it’s a fine idea. But keeping in mind that this was a time before Norbit and Imagine That, I used to think Eddie Murphy is still a funny dude. I also remember that sequel with the late Steve Irwin and haven’t seen it until recently, the sequel is pretty good with the exception of well… Jeffrey Jones. Now, I’ve now the fact there’s three more Dr. Dolittle sequel but seeing it as being part of Direct-To-DVD releases like The Lost Boys and American Pie, Eddie will never appear and I know that either of those is gonna suck.
Anybody interest in a sequel to WarGames without Ferris Bueller and the headcase from The Breakfast Club? The cover says yes but us watching it says no-no.
I’ve happened to catch the last sequel to this movie on television recently and I thought of doing a review on this. Sure, I’ve done buncha Asylum movies, mockbusters and Australian released flicks but I need to stretch it out so direct-to-dvd movies is one of the qualities. Hey, There’s a high possibility that a sequel to Hot Tub Time Machine with Chevy Chase and Crispin Glover to hit in anywhere else but the big screen.
I’m also including Direct-To-Video releases… and Direct-To-Betamax and Direct-To-Laserdisc releases!
So the movie involves Maya Dolittle (Kyla Pratt) as she was preparing to go to Veterinarian course but after saving a cat (which is sadly voiced by Pauly Shore), she have her sudden fame thanks to the local news network and takes a trip to the streets of Hollywood. Accompanied with Lucky (voiced by Norm McDonald who’s strangely uncredited in this movie), Maya became friends with the heiress Tiffany (Tegan Moss) whom her pet Princess is trying to convince Maya that “she’s a he”… which results Princess to become Rocco (and dressed like a member of the Village People).
Hugh Lofting previously spins the grave because of Eddie Murphy, now he’s spinning to the inner-core of Terra Firma because of what movie I’m watching now.
Before preparing to go back, Maya ended up in the club with her friend and then meets her future love interest Brandon Turner (Brandon Jay McLaren) and oh sweet… Maya’s monkey somehow manage to get to Hollywood (without her knowledge) and became the actual party animal (which has him drinking several cans of the same drink). Uh, Back to the main storyline and hollywood agent Rick Beverley (Jason Bryden) convinces that Maya could be getting her own show which disrupts her from going back home. I do say one thing – There should be an Dr. Dolittle movie about that monkey instead because after him checking his Facebook page (that’s before the Pauly Shore cat scene) and this, I would say it’s the best sequel ever.
If only Dennis Hopper would be alive to enjoy this. Damn, I miss that actor.
So Maya is having her first date thingy with Brandon (while Lucky is hanging out with Brandon’s dog Emmy) and I’m skipping to the point of the Monkey appearing again who’s looking for “King Kong” (don’t ask). Later, She decide to sign the contract without reading it and along with Tiffany and they decide to meet the future guests and his/her pets on the show. We get to meet Chad Cassidy (Sebastian Spence) who’s preparing his role as Abraham Lincoln… while dressing like a Gladiator! Okay, Then they meet and G-Rated Rapper known as “Ridiculuz” (Doron Bell) whom his pet “Fluffermufferman” has a hatred for hip-hop music and prefers the classical tunes of Beethoven and Mozart. Wait, Beethoven… I’m gonna make a screencaption that came out of nowhere.
Ludwig Van Beethoven is the proud sponsor of The Ludovico Techique. So prepare to go insane if this gets a mention again.
So Maya, Tiffany and Rick are at the meeting to see if the show is greenlighted (before it began to air) and the big boss which is played by… Judge Reinhold. Oh shit, Judge Reinhold is in a sequel to the first two movies that starred his friend “Axel F’. I’m sorry if I could cut this but…
“My Name Is Judge”
Sorry, Wrong One…
Okay, I’m disturbed to see how Judge Reinhold went from Arrested Development to this. In fact, how did he appear in this direct-to-dvd sequel (along with a Beethoven sequel). I mean, Is he waiting for the phone call from The Asylum so he could direct his own movie? I wanna see him in the big screen instead of… well, this. Back to the movie, The show begins its taped airing and Maya thinks the show is a bad idea but then something happened when Brandon’s dog is feeling sick and they all went to the vet.
So following the heartwarming moment, The show somehow gained a live audience (after the failed taped airing) and Maya is prepared for her big break to follow her father’s footsteps. However, She got a minor stage fright and stops the show because she prefers to save the animals in her own non-hollywood way. But that did not stop Rick explaining that signing the contact means that he owned her? Hey, That’s Hollywood for you.
“We butchered your adapted works, we made your favorite celebrities drugged up, We control the world of Hollywood.”
So Rick is about to get attack by Lucky and the Hollywood Animals (which sounds like a no-hit-wonder band) so begins the long chase through the Hollywood Studios. We had him stumbled onto the set of a pirate movie, a western movie, a movie with a mummy and even a cheap porno flick. Okay, I made the last one up but he did manage to get on the set of “Ape-Pollo 13” with you-know-who?
The best character in this movie, Ladies and Gentleman.
So the monkey joins the animal pack and he quickly got the contract off him and long story short… Maya gets to go home and everybody except Rick lives happily ever after. So what do I think of this movie? I would like to see those direct-to-dvd sequels stop because I’m scared to see if there’s one on the way. Okay, Not scared but shocked. This movie may well be a bit harmless and recommended for current Dr Dolittle fans and children but I do say it’s a stupid movie and a clumsy satire of the modern Hollywood lifestyle from Tiffany being an Paris Hilton knockoff to anything else. The only good part is the Monkey because he gets to direct his own movie but the sad part is how Judge Reinhold appeared here so somebody please give Judge Reinhold another sequel to Beverly Hills Cop or something better? Anyway, I’m done.
It’s not the way to go, Hamilton. Not the way to go.
Additional Screencaption Time
Ridiculuz: “Yo, Yo, Yo… What Is Up, My Doc? I’m Da Rapping Rabbit And I Allow To Diss That Snoop Doggystyle Fellow… And His Brother Nathan. Ain’t That Right? My Pet?”
Fluffermufferman: “It’s Snoop Dogg… You Hack.”
“Do I like movies about Gladiators?”
September 26, 2010 § Leave a comment
You see, I’m taking on the second movie made by The Asylum to involve the “2012 Phenomenon” and obviously an cash-in against Roland Emmerich’s blockbuster. The first is released earlier and is known as “2012: Doomsday” but I will get to that soon so now I’m taking on a different piece of shit. I’m still not sure which one is the mockbuster and which one isn’t anymore because there are two movies with “2012” stamped on it. They completely non-canonical to each other in terms of events and I don’t know if The Asylum will make a movie called “2012: [Add An Subtitle]” but hey, that’s Asylum for you.
Oh shit, I forgot about the fact that Titanic II also sets in the year 2012 but at least it doesn’t have an apocalyptic scenario in this movie (Plus I’m reviewing this movie and not the novel so stay tuned).
I also sets in the year 2012 but at least it doesn’t have an apocalyptic scenario in this movie (Plus I’m reviewing this movie and not the novel so stay tuned).Oh shit, I forgot about the fact that Titanic II also sets in the year 2012 but at least it doesn’t have an apocalyptic scenario in this movie (Plus I’m reviewing this movie and not the novel so stay tuned).The movie revolves Kelvin (Brian Klause, in a bad movie other than “Stephen King’s Sleepwalker“) whose mission is to save earth from some supernova shockwaves (or something like that). As for Tina (Najarra Townsend) and Laura (Heather McComb) whom after surviving an earthquake that killed two NASA agents (with a gun) that they must take a hideout to a bomb shelter. However, There’s earthquakes, cyclones, superstorms and anything else on the way. First of all, The supernova that occurs in the movie is from the Lyra Constellation happening 200 years prior to the story (and the events referred to this movie occurs “Today” instead of 2012 for some unknown reason). Second, The NASA somehow became an amalgamation of a usual space headquarters and a place full of agents with the guns. Since when does NASA became a federal agency? It’s like saying “NCIS is the show with Lawrence Fishburne while CSI has that DiNizzo guy as the main character”.
An screenshot from “2012: Supernova” and several other Asylum movies that uses the same stock footage over and over and…
This movie is really that stupid and it has everything you should expect – from Terrorist saboteurs to stock footage from another Asylum movie (it has a scene of meteor showers over a city, does any of it sound familiar?) and an racial-insensitive Russian character Dzerzhinsky (played by an “Alan Poe” in his movie debut). Even there’s a masked saboteur in fighting scenes with Kelvin and it’s obviously a female because the latter scene has the same saboteur unmasked and working for Kelvin meaning it’s making us viewers dumb. I’m not really gonna say this is the worst Asylum mockbuster I’ve seen and I do wanna watch it for curiosity’s sake. It’s just an average asylum mockbuster with all Hollywood science, hammy acting and the average special effects. I would say it’s recommended but if anything, it’s just like few other Asylum movies and it’s just my own opinion anyway so make your choice to see it or not.
September 26, 2010 § Leave a comment
I bet Today’s Gangster Culture makes fun of Scorsese because of “A Shark’s Tale“. Am I Right, My Homies?
This movie focuses on two different subplots – The first subplot involves Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio) whom after graduated to the police force has suddenly become an undercover agent to check on the wrong-doings of Frank Costello (Jack Nicholson). While investigating, He stumbles in the Brooklyn crime of blood and murder while he developed a relation with psychiatrist Madolyn Madden (Vera Farmiga). I can tell you that if you seen the trailers and television spots that if Billy Costigan will make it throughout the movie than here’s something you should know – It’s an Scorsese movie so don’t expect everything.
I’ve been wondering what Jack Nicholson and Matt Damon is watching at the cinema – I bet it has something to do with an emo teenager and an imaginary bunny named Frank.
The second subplot focuses on Colin Sullivan (Matt Damon) who’s been raised as part of Costello’s family of organised crime and had just graduated from the police force and had developed a relationship with Madolyn. Yeah, those two subplots involve both Billy and Colin becoming a narc and is a lover of the same psychiatrist. You might think it’s Hostel 1 & 2 combined but Eli Roth has nothing on Scorsese and those subplots are connected in a genius way possible. And what’s also genius about it is that “X” influences he lifted from Howard Hawks version of Scarface. By The Way, Has any guest stars of MTV’s Cribs ever seen the 1930s version instead of Brian De Palma’s acclaimed classic?
This makes the X-Men movies series more foreshadowing when it comes to the deaths of Jean Grey, Cyclops and Professor Xavier amongst many others. Damn, I hope Deadpool won’t be on the list (and I mean when it’s played by Ryan Reynolds and not some idiot who cannot speak).
This movie is a definitive of a modern masterpiece and is Martin back to this roots that he started on Mean Streets, it has good storytelling, awesome dialogue (especially from Nicholson and all-cursive Mark Wahlberg) and powerful score. There’s twists and turns and I can’t wait for the sequel because of one thing – Robert DeNiro returns to the movies directed by Scorsese. I fucking love DeNiro as an antagonist in those kinds of movies (he’s playing a corrupted senator) and I like to see how it goes so fingers crossed on that.
Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Wahlberg could be the best Hip-Hop duo if Marky Mark remained an hip-hop artist.
September 26, 2010 § Leave a comment
The only way I could see this movie is because Seth Green‘s in it. However, He also voiced his character Chris Griffin in the horrible show that is Family Guy (just please get off the show and do more Robot Chicken, please).
September 26, 2010 § Leave a comment
MySpace: This is unlike anything I done before but here’s a surprise – I have nothing against MySpace at all. And it’s for a good reason. Even if I haven’t checked out MySpace for several months, I still think of it as the original starting point of The Social Network itself. Well, I have little problems involving that but it’s not like I’m gonna blame Tom Anderson for that. First, It’s this MySpace member known as Corey Worthington and you might have heard of him. He’s the so-called “face of Generation Y” and I fully hate this cunt. He’s responsible for hosting the biggest parties in his parent’s house that generated police forces and publicity and his second 15 minutes of fame is appearing in a downunder version of Big Brother. I really hate this jerkoff and he’s by far the only member of MySpace that I wanna see him get comatose. Gee, I’m now heading for a dark territory.
I’m not certain but this picture of Tom Anderson is always on MySpace and there’s no other updated picture of the man responsible for this original social network. Is he missing or something?
Corey Worthington – I’m not sure but since Lady Gaga was accused of being a hermaphrodite, I’m theorising that she used to this party asshole before an unheard-of sex change but that’s just my theory.
Facebook: Like MySpace, I have nothing much against about Facebook. But unlike MySpace, I might go to the site anytime I want. Why? I’m one of those members of the “Tron: Legacy” viral campaign and it’s because of the forthcoming success of David Fincher’s The Social Network. This site is indeed mostly harmless since there’s always news about stalkers and other evils on the internet. When I think of the ongoing MySpace and Facebook battle, It’s kinda similar to the Coca-Cola Wars which is still happening since Pepsi is still around. So this is very shorter than anything else so my choice is Facebook is cool and awesome.
This is the person Justin Timberlake is gonna based on in the upcoming movie. Just as long as we don’t see a reference to that Superbowl event then I’m okay with it. Plus I hope his acting is approved beyond Southland Tales.
Bebo: Now this one is an “interlude” of sorts to this installment because this network is still a major one but not in the same sense as the other three. I fucking hate Bebo and I could go on with this one. First, the name of this social network. Even though it stands for “Blog Early, Blog Often”, It’s still a very stupid name and the style on the website is stupid. I hardly visited this site but I know this because my younger sister used to be a member and any site is like an mid-nineties GeoCities type and all-sparkling. I have loads more but it will take up a whole fucking page so moving on to the even worse one… well, to me anyway.
Twitter: Now before I start, I know that this network has many members that I know ranging from celebrities to my close friends so I’m not gonna attack the followers. It’s just I’m attacking the site itself so what the fuck am I gonna say about Twitter? It’s the Social Network counterpart to the forthcoming apocalypse. I hate this more than Bebo and I wish I could go on and on about this shit of a phenomenon. Twitter is considered to be the so-called “SMS of the Internet” and it’s because it involves only 140 characters worth of each entry. Hello, we have other blog sites and it has much, much more than that. Do I even wanna check somebody’s entry saying that 10 minutes ago, he wrote “I just went shat on the toilet and what comes out is Bono of U2”? Fuck no. It’s sadly now dominate everywhere on Earth from news bulletins to any comic book. I actually do have one person against this thing and it’s the guy who made Twitter well-known. I’m talking about Ashton Kutcher, the star of That ’70’s Show and Punk’d so what I do think of Ash-Kutch (okay, that’s a funny nickname) now…
“I am Sir Ashton Kutcher and I invite you to follow me to the Twitterland”
Jack Dorsey looks a bit like Eli Roth so if it’s played by him in a movie about Twitter, it means the Twitter members have been “ooh faced” by the director of Hostel.
Next Installment: I’m taking on the Dance Movies of both last and this decade. That means they gonna get served by me.
September 26, 2010 § Leave a comment
Back in the eighties, We were given the kind of people who are considered icons from Chuck Norris to Pierre Kirby to… Steve Guttenberg (so sue me if I still like those Police Academy movies). There are also fictional characters that became part of our media culture and one of them is the perfect police officer known as RoboCop. Ever since the first movie hits, RoboCop is one of the franchises that is still around but today’s people hardly took a notice. It gained two sequels, couple animated series, a television series and countless comic books. And yet, RoboCop isn’t as big as Star Wars and Star Trek combined but is near there. I remember seeing this movie when I was a kid and despite the R-Rating, I can still watch it even with my soon-to-be divorced parents involved because it’s that nostalgic anyway.
You know what? This would have been the best RoboCop sequel that I badly wanna see, I ain’t kidding.
I really need to get a life but anyway let me review the first movie in a retrospective style. The movie sets within in the not-too-distant future and it involves Officer Alex Murphy (Peter Weller) and his partner Anne Lewis (Nancy Allen) as they try to bring justice to the war-torn streets of Detroit (which seems to be too late despite Devil’s Nights and Gangsta Rapping involved there) but Murphy himself got killed off by one of the local gangs, which is led by Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood “Red Foreman” Smith). But don’t worry, the Omni Consumer Products corporation have the chance to rebuilt him and became the six-million dollar icon known as RoboCop (I’m gonna stop making references to other television shows and movies). Meanwhile, Dick Jones has an alternative known as the ED-209 who is so antagonistic enough to kill few humans in the flick.
Kurtwood Smith came a long way from a little show with Patrick Swayze as a gang leader. What? You haven’t heard of the short-lived television show “The Renegades“? Gee, I have seen the stuff you humans never seen (okay, this is the last shout-out reference and I swear to God on that).
While being resurrected as RoboCop, Alex Murphy has to obey the law while gaining his old memories involving his family along the way. And guess what? The action gets more bloody beyond Murphy’s death involving the death of few characters before the showdown with ED-209. The movies then closes out with Dick Jones facing a crisis in the boardroom which results to his death and RoboCop giving the name “Murphy” to the president of the OCP corporation. The end (and that was pretty fast).
With Paul Verhoeven’s directing style, This movie is very known and is must-recommended to those who haven’t seen RoboCop. It’s an stand-out for its ultra-violence through catchphrases (eg. “I buy that for a dollar”) and it’s also prefect to be just an stand-alone movie. Even those commercials (I wanna play that nuke board game) is awesome. Heck, It even has great sequel like the one with an foul-mouth pre-pubescent gang member. Okay, bad example but what about the flying Robocop one. Uhhhh, I remember a television show with that “Commander Cash” involved. You know what? Just see the first one because the others suck anyway.
Additional screencaptions time…
Michaelangelo approves of an Robocop Pajama guy so Cowabunga, Dude!
I wish I could interrupt Kanye West with the fact that his song is good but the movie is 100% friggin’ times better. Oh yeah, I wanna go there.
Is this how Paul Verhoeven thinks of Robocop as an “American Jesus” figure (and in addition, Why there’s a remakesploitation of Robocop that I haven’t heard?)
Oh, not another one. How the heck did I miss that?