Asylum Seeker: Metal Man

September 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

I seen nearly all Comic Book media adaptations since it’s one of my chosen sub-genres to anything and it’s probably because I’m an self-obsession comic book fanatic and I got a little confession when it comes to these adaptations. I seen Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Howard The Duck & Batman and Robin and surprisingly enjoyed it. Why? I was a dumb kid when I have the only Superman sequel on VHS and was super-hyped on B&R when Arnie plays the villain. Damn, I wish I have that Doritos Cells Tie-In. As for Howard the Duck, It’s now an “so-bad-it’s-good” cult favorite. So sue me if I like these bad movies but if anything, They are nothing bad than this shitty mockbuster movie known as Metal Man. It’s the worst rip-off of Iron Man ever made and it’s surprisingly made by a studio other than The Asylum. It’s that bad that I wish The Asylum did made the movie but denied that it’s one of their properties.

Wow, The tagliners of the first RoboCop movie is sure gonna make a lawsuit.

Before I start, I could say a couple of things. One is the production/release year of the movie – I wish I could give you the full details but I’m not sure of when it was made. Some places suggests it’s made in either 2008, 2009 or this year. They should make up their fucking mind. If it’s really made in 2008, I could spoil the whole story but I sworn myself to spoil a little other than the ending and twists to any movie release this year and the year before. I do make a new suggestion – I’ll review it again as a second opinion and spoil you the full-length horror even if it’s released this year. Another is that I’m surprised this movie existed. Why? Because not long ago, I did a DIY game on That Guy with the Glasses forum called “Make Your Own Asylum Mockbuster” which involves our take on rip-offs of any movies that Asylum hasn’t done yet and this is one of the entry to the game. Why not my ideal rip-off of Twilight instead of this? Now all I wanna see is the moment that Joe Quesada sued these filmmakers now.

If you seen Metal Man, There’s an chance that you should forgiven Joe Q for that “One More Day” disaster. And surprisingly, I’m now one of the people so you’re now forgiven, Mister Quesada.

There’s a story and a sub-plot involved – The story is that Kyle Finn (Samuel Nathan Hoffmire) is a college student who assigns to an experiment conducted by Dr. Arthur Blake (Reggie Bannister of Phantasm fame). During the experiment, Kyle is locked in cryogenic status (or something like that) with an “Metal Man” suit and Arthur got killed by the antagonist Sebastian Reed (P. David Miller). In an event of Arthur’s death, Kyle now avenges and becomes the shitty hero that is Metal Man while he is aided by the so-called virtual simulation of Arthur himself (hidden on his armor helmet). Well, the whole part of the story is true but one minor flaw that I don’t wanna reveal just yet. Trust me on this.

Didja know there’s an actor known as “Count Smokula” playing a news reporter in this movie!!!

The sub-plot involves Dr. Marissa Lee (Jill Shackelford whom surprisingly both the actress’s name and her character is missing on Metal Man IMDB page at the time I wrote this) works for Sebastian but secretly wanna stop him for the death of her father (It might be Arthur Blake or something else but it’s not mentioned anyway) and her attempts failed when her assistant (Katherine Pawlek, previously well-known as “Emma” on those Lonelygirl15 videos) being killed and a latter scene of Sebastian pulling Marissa’s hair while being a bastard to her. I’m seriously saying this so Sebastian Reed is the worst villain I have ever seen.

This is how Dr. Marissa Lee’s assistant died in this movie. If you turned on by this picture, please seek help.

You Know What? It is now considered to me (and few-to-many others) as the worst Superhero movie ever made. It made me fucking depressed and pissed-off and I haven’t been like that since the first (and only) time I watched Uwe Boll’s Seed. Oh, Don’t worry, I’m back to my normal ways now. First thing I have to say is the acting and while Arthur Blake and Marissa Lee are the only okay characters (well almost), I have problems with the others. First is Kyle Finn, He act like a whining bitch at the early minutes he’s stuck in Metal Man suit and he doesn’t act like an full-pledged superhero. Not only that, He didn’t kill any supervillains because of Arthur’s death (and one thing that I’m saving for another time so trust me on that as well). He did save about three whole people in the movie – Marissa, Some coked-up girl and Julie, Kyle’s girlfriend but that’s about it. Kyle saving three people, not killing villains (even sending them to prison would be okay but none of that anyway) and… Oh, I forgot to mention that the only time Metal Man ever flied is during the ending credit montage. This is an Iron Man rip-off movie and the only time to see him flying is after the main storyline ended. Are they fucked up in the head?

Metal Man, The only hero who refused to fly during the whole movie.

Then came Sebastian Reed, I’m just gonna say that whoever dated the actor himself should either date somebody else or get out of her closet because he’s an woman-hitting bastard. He’s worse than any villain I seen from The Red Skull (1990s Captain America Movie version) through even Sharon Stone in Catwoman. This actor should be having an heart-attack right now because I don’t wanna see him act again after this travesty. Then we get to Kyle’s girlfriend Julie (Leah Grimsson) and she also whines when she got captured by Reed’s henchman. She even fucking acts like that when she sees Kyle being stuck in the Metal Man armor and I’m glad that the scene involving her and Kyle in the farm barn literally exits her character and it’s that funny. Sure, there’s this very-pointless dream sequence involving them later on but then she just exited stage left.

Julie is played by Leah Grimsson, her previous role is an 13-year-old character in “Polanski Unauthorized“. Wait, What?

I got nothing much on Marissa’s assistant and few others because they’re pretty much forgettable but I do say something about Kyle’s other enemy that is the Mecha Terror (which is owned by Sebastian Reed) and I think it was supposed to be the other main attraction but the thing is that he has pretty much a short theatrical appearance in the only battle that involves an plane with innocent passengers and pilots being destroyed. That’s right, An plane with unknown people is destroyed during the battle of Metal Man and Mecha Terror – Which one did it? Fuck if I’m telling you this so unless you pick the copy – remember my shitty rules.

This is what the Mecha Terror looked like. Is everybody pleased or not?

So there’s the first take on my review. This movie is utterly shit, the acting is that bad and there are fillers here and there (for example, the most pointless Dream Sequence ever filmed). And for the armor, I think the Iron Man seen in Disaster Movie is a bit better than this. I’m now pissed again. And since The Cinema Snob does reviews on Shot-On-Shitteo movies, Metal Man could be “Shot-On-Bad-Porno” type of movie because of the camera quality. Come to think of it, Metal Man could have been the “Rule 34” reimagining of the Armored Avenger himself but there’s no softcore/hardcore fucking involved.

If your boyfriend looks like a bad Iron Man Cosplayer, please tell him if he’s seen “Metal Man” and runaway if he did.

And one last thing I like to say is the song in the final credits – All of us had rock out with Black Sabbath playing Iron Man (or some instrumental cover) in the movie but this tune known as “Heavy Metal Man” by Captain Crunch is nothing like that at all – Heavy Metal Man doesn’t have the same type of musical style as Black Sabbath even if it’s Ozzy, Dios and some other singer. I’m gonna spit this out now – Captain Crunch, don’t ever tour in the land of Australia or you will get thrown by a beer bottle by me or somebody else. Yeah, I’m threatened this fucking band so now I wanna hear their say on that and I really do.

Ever since this band started singing, I also now forgiven both Nickelback and Creed and listened to their songs instead.

I’m seriously saying that this movie should not exist at all. Better yet, I still want Joe Q to sue these fuckers and let that lawsuit be mentioned in an issue of Wizard Magazine. And last and not least, This could be a perfect new flick to be on top of the IMDB Bottom 100 charts perhaps forever. I wish any of those happened so I’m saying now that if you like this movie at all, Please go to the nearest mental asylum and say “Shock Treatment” repeatedly (but don’t say it like you wanna see that 1980s cult classic). I don’t wanna talk about this movie but maybe in 12 months time, I might. I even gonna spoil the shit, the whole shit and nothing else but this piece of shit. Seriously, this movie is that awful so I should stop. Now I need to lie down and return to my comfort zone.

Update: While moving this article from Blogspot to here, I was gonna check on IMDB on both Jill Shackelford and Metal Man’s entry and guess what? She is still isn’t listed as being in that movie (even though I seen it in the credits). I was gonna reply to IMDB about this travesty but I’ll leave it alone since IMDB also didn’t list the complete filmography of Pierre Kirby, Scott Wolf’s role in the student film The Skid Kid and so on. I also did further checking and see that the IMDB reviews are funny (especially when one said that Power Rangers is better than this) but what ruined my mood more is that this movie has an alternate title and here’s an screencaption to… well, take a look…

Even the UK Distributors thinks that the title is not even trying to have the customers buying it.

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