Just A Harmless Attack #1: Twilight

September 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

Note: The following comments and jokes might offend Twilight fanatics. Then again, It might not so if you hate Twilight then please read along but if you like Twilight, well you can join in as well.

It is now certain that I’m yet another Anti-Twilight fan (or in their case, a”Twi-Hater”!) and while I wish I was called something else that these “Twi-Hards” having giving us (seriously, who named these names), I’m already certain that a very little group of people who likes the franchise is now reading this article. Well, I don’t blame them if they hate the way I’m gonna talk about. Though, They should know that I’m not the person who thinks Twilight sucks so at least, I will be safe on this one. Oh and I try to keep it to a minimum just in case that I’m not some Internet Troll.

Spot The Difference: One of them is not an Twilight Cosplayer and somehow ended up on this picture.

First I’m gonna talk about the actors (and less about their characters) and I’ll start off with the ”heartthrob” that is Robert Pattison. Though I hardly seen any Harry Potter movie adaptations (I don’t really hate Harry Potter so that one is clear off the JAHA mini-series), I know the fact that Robert himself is one of those adaptations and a perfect reason why the Hollywood executives are looking for an pale-skin vampire for this soon-to-be talked about movie. I’m not much against this guy but I do have something against two of his nicknames – R-Prattz and Spunky Ransom. These are the two of the weirdest nicknames for any celebrity that I ever heard. First of all, R-Prattz sounds like a childish rapper sensation and that seems to just cover it. Second of all, Spunky Ransom is both stupid and far-out funny. Not that it sounds like one of the names seen in ”Porn Star Name Generator”, It’s just a funny ring to some teenage heartthrob. Spunky Ransom… It should have suit for somebody else but for this Edward guy, it’s a bit hilarious.

”Duhhh… I’m Spunky Ransom. I’m da bess vampire in da hall wide road”

Then we get to his real-life (or staged) girlfriend herself, Kristen Stewart. Prior to Twilight, I have nothing against her anyway. She was good in Panic Room. But when she appears in the following scenes of this movie, She just looks either doped-out or very sleepy. Gee, I’m not even sure if she’s acting perfectly. Let’s say the next Twilight adaptation failed big in the box office and a premature ending to the franchise, then what will happen to ”K-Stew”? With or without Spunky Ransom, her life is probably darker. But that’s just my point-of-view.

”Hey…I’m Kristen Stewart… And you might have seen me… Where’s that coffee that I ordered?”

Then we get to Jacob Black himself, Taylor Lautner. I seen his previous role in The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl (Hey, I’m an Robert Rodriquez fan) and I enjoyed a bit of his performance but it’s nothing interesting. But when he gets to Twilight itself. He is nothing interesting on the first one (which is the only one I seen… so far!) and that’s before he went big on the sequels. Uh, I got one thing against him – He did the usual William Shatner shirtless routine (and that also goes with the rest of his Werewolf pack). Why? Is It just another fanservice idea for all the female fans? I don’t much care about that.

This is the guy who not only used to be in ”The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl” but he is also ”terrified” of sharks.

I can’t say much of the supporting cast, the villains and so on. And that’s probably because I seen the first movie. But when I seen the television spots, the websites and anything else. It looks pretty weird and the weirdest to me is Dakota Fanning as an red-eyed vampire something, a shirtless Werewolf pack and that Jasper guy. Something is weird and fucked-up about this and If I were stoned watching any of these movies, will it work or still be weird?

Why does this image of Twilight Werewolves remind of something?

Oh, that’s it! It reminds me of a screenshot to some bad David DeCoteau movie (Gee, Samantha Mayer must have strange taste).

The second part of this article involves the directors and while the first two is unheard-of-me (to me and until now), I can something about the one who directed Eclipse. First we have Catherine Hardwicke, the one who made the first one. She was already well-known for Thirteen, The Nativity and Lords of Dogtown. I seen Thirteen and it didn’t interest me and I enjoyed watching Lords of Dogtown (I haven’t seen The Nativity but maybe I will some day). Well, She deserved a free pass even though this is the director who did the first Twilight movie so I’m moving on to the second director. The one responsible for New Moon is Chris Weitz and he’s the one responsible for Fantasy Island (the one with Malcolm McDowell), Down To Earth and About A Boy. I think he also has a free pass because well… I seen the stuff he did and also enjoyed it. Now comes David Slade. Then we have David Slade. Give me a second to think about my take on David Slade…

AAARRGGGHHH! Why Does David Slade suddenly direct a Twilight movie? Why?

Okay, I’m done screaming at the outdoors. David Slade is the guy who did two of the best movies I very much enjoyed – Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night. He also made some cool music videos and prior to knowing he direct Eclipse, I think of him as one of the coolest directors of the last decade (I also think Richard Kelly is cool but he then made Southland Tales) and he is directing this sequel. What the fuck happened to you? You made Hard Candy, a perfect tale of Ellen Page brutalising a possible paedophile that is Patrick Wilson and you made 30 Days Of Night, one of the coolest comic book adaptation and this is how you end up with. Why? Is it because of the money? Is it because you like Vampires so much that the executives say no to you on ”Dark Days”? What just happened here? I’m not sure anymore but the person who directed Eclipse is not the David Slade I enjoyed and I’m pretty sure that you’re replaced by a doppelganger or something. I’m gonna go outdoors again and scream in terror before I move on the next part.

This is how somebody else feels when he realised who directed Eclipse?

Okay, I’m gonna stay sane and get through this. Now comes the plot device. I already mentioned that I seen the first one and I should mention that I never read any novels (including Twilight) since well, sometime after school. I’m a fanatic comic book reader and it’s the only medium of my reading material (other than news articles). This universe of Vampires and Werewolves seems to be inaccurate and it’s not just that ”A Vampire Shines on Sunlight” thing, it’s something else. It could be that so-called ”Volturi” and I seen better vampire coven in Buffy and Angel. Then again, it could be something else. There’s also an Vampire-vs-Werewolf thing happening in Eclipse and I’m pretty sure that Stephanie Meyer watched too much of Underworld (or that awful sequel/prequel movies). I’m sorry if I can’t help figuring it out what the fuck is going on so you just reading to a person who hasn’t seen ”New Moon” or ”Eclipse” just yet.

The Bella lookalike is played by MistressMelia and damn, that is how accurate Kristen Stewart supposes to look.

This part of the attack is the Fandom itself and fuck me, I never seen the franchise so big since The Lord Of The Rings hits the big screen. There’s stationary, graphic novels, figurines and even fake shit here. I’m pretty sure there’s even an no-budget porn version of Edward and Bella’s adventures. This… is getting way out of hand. Even the part about the nicknames like ”Twi-Hards” and ”Twi-Haters” which begs me the question on those nicknames. Why? It’s more stupid than ”R-Prattz” itself. I already confessed about me being an ”Twi-Hater” and that sounds very stupid. Where did that ”Anti-Twilight” name go? I rejected those kind of nicknames and prefer to think of myself as Anti-Twilight humanoid. Oh, and what else is disturbing is those Edward underpants… well let me say something about on this following caption/picture…

There’s no friggin’ way I will have sex with a hot female while leaving this underwear on. No friggin’ way.

… But I have one thing about this Fandom that I can sort-of take and it’s those related Soundtracks. It has my favorite musicians involved (and several that I hardly listen). I mean, I can take Muse involved in the Twilight wagon because Stephanie’s a big fan of the band. I can take Beck and Radiohead involved in it so the soundtrack is pretty much having a free pass but please, no Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga or Simple Plan on the later soundtracks, Please.

Muse: Even with them on the Twilight bandwagon, They’re still one of the coolest bands I know (And I wish I could think of a joke but dammit, This is Muse).

Is there anything else that I seem to be missing. I think I’m out of ideas at this point so at last, What do I still think of Twilight Saga itself. Other than David Slade, I’m still a Anti-Twilight dude but now that I dissect this multi-million sensation, it is okay that it’s still around. Will I watch New Moon and Eclipse? I do have a younger sister so who in god knows? I can tell you that I’m not looking forward to Vampires Suck, the latest parody movie as done by the Selterzerberg team and it’s not just because it’s about fucking with Twilight, It’s more of the directors themselves. So in a safe way to say this, Twilight is not the worst thing to hit us by far and if you like or hate it, do so anyway.

Though, I don’t listen to much of Paramore… I find the lead singer strangely attractive and yet, I’m not an Emo teenager!

So until I take on the social network next week – I decide to either watch Buffy, Angel, True Blood, The Lost Boys (well, the first one) or Blade because that way, at least these vampires aren’t that shiny.


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