December 31, 2010 § Leave a comment
So I’m thinking about reviewing a movie on New Year’s Eve but I do have plans so I’ll try to double-review it tomorrow (meaning I’ll finally bring Shaun of the Dead that I promised) so in the meantime, I’ll show you the best of 2010 that I have witnessed and some of the fucking worst of it. There’s also a Runner Ups note to consider it second-whatever…
Best Movie Released In 2010: Scott Pilgrim vs The World
Before I recently brought this DVD, I’ve initially thought Tron: Legacy is the best movie this year but guess what? The one is a so-average-that-it’s-okay movie so when I see Pilgrim, It is worth thirty bucks indeed. This movie is a perfect transition of Michael Cera from “the kid from Arrested Development” to the bass-playing action hero doing it for love. Also, It has cool soundtrack from Beck and Nigel Godrich, good in-jokes from This Is Spinal Tap and few others and anything else. I’ve highly recommend this movie for those who haven’t seen it and also, get the six-part Graphic Novel series because it’s worth the read.
Runner Ups: Inception
Best TV Show Aired In 2010: The Walking Dead
This is a perfect television adaptation of any comic book series that I’ve seen in a while. Sure, There’s The Human Target and Smallville but who would wanna watch a show that is either previously adapted with Rick Springfield in the 1990s or A show about Superman’s hometown that is somehow now set in Metropolis? I do say that Smallville is the longest show about Superman ever. This show may have some changes like the additional characters and so on but it’s the best thing about Zombies since… Zombieland. Gee, That isn’t that long. I just can’t wait for the second season.
Runner Ups: Lost, Fringe and The Event.
Best Soundtrack of 2010: Inception
Oh, Hans Zimmer, You have shown the soundtrack that’s superior than everything else. Sure, Tron: Legacy soundtrack should have been on the list but there’s more Bonus Tracks than this that some fans have been trying to find. Plus, I’m just gonna say this but any song from this soundtrack will probably be already heard in places like Sports show or whatever so the next time I watch NBA, I could hear the soundtrack.
Runner Ups: Tron: Legacy and Scott Pilgrim vs The World
Best Album of 2010: The Arcade Fire – The Suburbs
If you’ve seen the Nostalgia Critic’s Christmas video, You might be pissed that President Angry Joe blows up Canada and guess who its home to? Maybe The Arcade Fire survived on that alternate universe by some international tour but moving on. This album is Indie Gold and better than their previous two albums. From the start to finish, This album is worth listening and that’s saying much about it.
Runner Ups: My Chemical Romance – Danger Days & Weezer – Hurley
Best Comic of 2010: Superman – The Last Family of Krypton
It’s been that long since we seen an Elseworlds storyline and this year is perfect for a comeback when we get this scenario: What is Jor-El and Lara joined the baby Kal-El to go to Earth? Sure, I’ve could have gone with iZombie or any recent Mark Millar comics but this is a perfect superhero story. It does miss a point of whether Krypto or Supergirl will appear in this story but I leave it at that. I just hope there’s more Elseworlds stuff in 2010 and I mean good ones which is not JLA: Act of God or Superman & Batman: Generations III (hmm, that one is a fucking cop-out).
Runner Ups: iZombie and Superman: Earth One.
Best WTF Moment of 2010: Robert Pattison hates the G-Spot
… And he loves the cock. Sorry, I’m stealing an obvious Kevin Smith reference. But seriously, This one still cracks me up more than John Malkovich playing God or Hugh Jackman crashing to the Oprah set. If I’m gonna make jokes about it the next year (which is a couple of hours from now) then I’ll do it somehow. So sorry ladies, Spunky Ramson isn’t available to go down on you.
Runner Ups: North Korea airing their first western-made movie Bend It Like Beckham (and that news came out today)
Worst Movie Released in 2010: Metal Man
I haven’t yet seen Vampires Suck and other bad flicks but if anything, This 2008 movie (and I’ve just checked and confirmed that it’s from 2008) that’s released on DVD in 2010 still counts as the worst movie of this year. If I make the worst movies I ever seen, This would be within the same Top 5 spot as Uwe Boll’s fucking disasterpiece Seed. Oh Yeah, I’ve seen a lot of Uwe Boll movies and Seed is by far the worst and depressing shit I ever seen. Back to Metal Man and this is not what a Superhero movie supposed to be. Sure enough, Batman and Robin has a Superhero story but I gonna say this… Metal Men makes Batman and Robin more watchable. So whoever made this movie? Fuck You. Whoever starred in it? Fuck You Too. And lastly, Whoever liked this movie? FUCK YOU.
Runner Ups: I can’t tell you this one but the review of this movie is coming… Trust me, It’s worth the wait.
Worst TV Show Aired in 2010: The Good Wife
Oh Yeah, I’m going there. I know that some major stars like Michael J. Fox and Mister Big himself is in it. But I hate this show more than its runner ups. Okay, Okay, I hardly watch this show but this has no interest to me. A show about a Politician’s wife doing Lawyer stuff and not made by the guy who brought you Boston Legal… BORING! I’m just gonna say that I hope this show is cancelled.
Runner Ups: Kendra and several other reality shows (except Undercover Boss, that one is decent).
Worst Album of 2010: Uncertain
To be fair, I don’t listen to Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber but for now, I’ll go with Christina Aguilera’s Bionic for the cover itself. I may not be a full on reviewer when it comes to music so let’s say any albums that I don’t listen to because it’s made by an Artist that I hate counts.
Runner Ups: Linkin Park – A Thousand Suns (I actually like the band but this album is just few decent tracks over several boring ones).
Worst Comic of 2010: FAME one shots
Believe it or not, I actually read one of those FAME one-shots yesterday and it’s about Lady Gaga. And it’s fucking weird, I’ll go on but you have to wait for the review because I’m ready to beat the shit out of this one as well as Marville, Ultimate Adventures and Trouble.
Runner Ups: Deadpool (one comic is enough so cancel the rest of the spinoffs).
Worst WTF Moment of 2010: Katy Perry marrying Russell Brand
Message to Katy Perry: He’s not worth it. He’s unfunny, annoying and stupid. I mean, Have you seen his act or movies? I know she doesn’t read this but if she does, Please get a divorce. You’re the hottest star I’ve seen in a while and married to one-time Wanker of the Year is the worst thing happened to you.
Runner Ups: Death of Leslie Nielsen (Why?).
So there’s my point of view and now, I hope you have the new year and tune in next year for two reviews plus anything surprising and unexpected. Trust Me, You haven’t seen the insane shit that I have seen (like Vanilla Ice in a Matrix Parody… Yeah, This exists). Fuck, Now I’m now gonna get tipsy and fucked up.
Last 2010 Update: I didn’t made Best Song of 2010 (which is My Chemical Romance’s SING) but if there’s the most weird song that I heard this year, I’ve just heard it so be annoyed and brainless by this song below…
Somewhere in the United States of America when this song is released, Sir Mix-A-Lot is thinking Baby Got Back gave birth to best and worse songs about Woman’s Rear. Oh, I Cannot Lie and I wish Sir Mix-A-Lot would do something about… whatever that I just heard. Again, Happy NY everybody.
December 27, 2010 § Leave a comment
WARNING: This following article is a rant of this certain reviewer who hates this certain sitcom so if you like this show, be prepared.
Well, Christmas is over and I have one more trick up the sleeve. So I wanna to take on something like Jack Frost or one of those Silent Night, Deadly Night sequels but I don’t have it so I decide to take a look around YouTube for something so disturbing that it surprisingly is a Christmas Special…
I’m talking about The Nanny, one of the sitcoms that manage to waste my childhood during the nineties. Now, I could say the show is harmless but like Two And A Half Man and Family Guy, It fucking sucks. Yeah, I can safely say it… The Nanny sucks. Looking back at this show is annoying enough that it involves a Nanny with an annoying laugh and her passion for Barbara Streisand. It’s not worst than Full House but it’s up there.
Now onto their second christmas episode known as “Oy To The World!”. Okay, I have to stop now and talk about the title. Why do they do that? It has nothing to do with Christmas in Australia and I know because I’m raised in the land downunder. You could have something like “The Nanny Animated Christmas Special” and… Oh, Fuck the title shit? Let me just start the insanity.
So following the credits, We have Fran Fine (Fran Drescher) watching a live-action episode of The Nanny and say she loved her. Well, I could say this continuity is fucked up but then I remember seeing an episode where Fran Fine meets Fran Drescher herself so I’m not going in rampage mode… just yet. So Fran takes Brighton to the Homeless Shelter but Chester The Dog messes things up which had Fran have a concussion and ended up in a comatose dream state.
Her dream state involves her, Brighton and Chester from the Queens to the North Pole… in less than a minute. There, They meet Maxwell Sheffield as Santa Claus, Niles as Elvis The Elf and C.C. The Abominable Babcock. Also, Chester gained a dog ability and they travel towards the… animated version of Katy Perry’s California Gurls music video!
No, It’s actually Winter Wonderland and nothing much happens but Elvis The Elf singing and so on. Kris then mentions that the storm causes Christmas to be cancelled due to mighty power of C.C. The Abominable Babcock. Fran and Chester travels to the castle of C.C. The Abominable Babcock (I have to say the full name) and attempt to save Christmas but C.C. The Abominable Babcock has woken up and Chester The Dog is scared to whistle-dance.
And surprise, Fran and Chester is frozen in suspended animation so that means “The End, Right?”. Fuck No because C.C. The Abominable Babcock said “Don’t Change The Channel”. Well, YouTube has their own channels but moving on. So Fran and Chester is actually still alive while nothing happens. Fran then found a perfect idea by… setting a party for C.C. The Abominable Babcock! It leads her to have C.C. The Abominable Babcock to meet her secret admirer which is… The cloud known as The Rain Man! How does she know Dustin Hoffman in the form of a Rainy Cloud? How? HOW?
While I forgot that it was the Comatose Dream Sequence, Fran, Brighton and Chester travel with Santa Claus and Christmas is saved. They send christmas to many homes before ended up in the Homeless Shelter. Santa has discovered there’s no presents but Brighton becomes a good kid and give the presents he save for the kids. Oh, And the dream is still going!
And how is the dream still going? Easy, Chester is still talking. The episode ended and it’s frankly stupid. So Again, It maybe harmless to watch along with the rest of the series but it’s stupid. That’s all I can say about and I don’t know why I’m watched this after Christmas is over. Man, This is why I hate having post-christmas blues.
December 26, 2010 § Leave a comment
The first time I watched Sliders when I was a kid, I suddenly turned it off because I was a bit afraid of the show’s concept. And eventually, I watched it again and again which leads me to become a fan. Now, I got four seasons on DVD (with the fifth not yet available outside Germany) and still watch the show from time to time. If you’re a Sliders fan like me then you know the show took a turn when the third season when it became action packed and less scientific. It’s like Lost if you replaced all mysteries with Gilligan’s Island humor, It’s very stupid.
And since it’s time of joy and peace, Why not a Sliders Christmas Episode? Yeah, It’s the only holiday-themed episode that aired within five whole seasons of Rickman, Kromaggs and that stupid cliffhanger. Why? Well it was caused by the late producer David Peckinpah who dumbed down the show like Joe Quesada dumbed down the Spider-Man mythology. Come to think of it….
Damn those… kind of idiots who ruined favorite materials. The episode has Quinn Mallory (Jerry O’Connell), Wade Welles (Sabrina Lloyd), Rembrandt Brown (Cleavant Derricks) and Wade Welles (Sabrina Lloyd) traveled to a sunny world in December as they became involved with a mother running away from her baby child in the church. With that, They decide to search for Carol (Jacqueline Obradors) and what best place to find her is and I’m not kidding about this… A huge city-size Shopping Mall that’s operating with a floating genetically engineered cloud. Oh you think I’m shitting you but look…
Oh, and this mall is so big that it contains Schools, Libraries (note that some is actually in nearby shopping malls of where I’m from but moving on), Hospitals and even Homes. This universe is so strange that Mallrats might be filmed there. And since Money is not used in what is known as Sky High Plaza (nothing to do with that Disney movie), The Sliders decide to take jobs and find a way to get Carol free from the secret slavery of Sky High Plaza. As for the Sliders themselves…
* Quinn Mallory is flirting with the counterpart of Wade’s sister Kelly Welles (Chase Masterson) in order to not be a Vulcan-ear Elf and become a Corporate Suit-like dude. Well, If having a lunch quicky with somebody related to your friend is the way to go then Quinn Mallory is not that Scientific anymore when the third season came along.
* Wade Welles discovers she never existed in this world and try to have help her father’s double Don (Allen Williams) into not losing his daughter Kelly to the corporate jackass Ted Bersen (Neil Roberts). And she looks like an Elf.
* Rembrandt Brown is hypnotised with subliminal text on those television commercials enough to buy lots and lots of stuff… even though they gonna stay on this Alternate Earth for a few days. And he looks like an Elf as well.
* Professor Arturo fights against Commercialism by telling the kids some good stories while dressing up as Santa Claus. Note that Tracy Torme mentioned in an interview that this is the “wrong” Arturo who replaced his Earth-Prime counterpart during the second season without the others knowing about it.
Also, I find it a bit weird about Wade and her father’s double during their first conversation by inviting her to the dinner. How Weird, He feels like he knows her despite she never existed here. My guess? Don has a weird attraction with the daughter he never have. Oh, Don’t worry… nothing incestual happened. As for Quinn, He continues to “flirt” while talking about Charlie Brown (note that Peanuts also don’t exist there) before Ted got a promotion and so on.
Back to Wade in a dinner with her father’s double and having a tender christmas moment but nothing much before Arturo tracked Carol’s current place. Quinn confronts Rembrandt (who’s still buying material gifts) which has him leaving to see Wade staring as the city below. Uh, I’m still can’t get over that Cloud Mall thing… I know this sets in an alternate reality but who have the right mind to make a mall in the clouds? Stephen Hawking.
Quinn then notice the Subliminal Adverts thingy and Don tries to not lose his only daughter but Kelly walks away. Rembrandt is then free from Gift=Love subliminal shenanigans and are one step closer to getting Carol to see her child again by their own plan. Arturo then tells the stories as a distraction to have Ted leaving his office which leads Quinn and Wade breaking in his computer before Kelly appears to stop the security from coming to the office. Oh, And Wade convinced her sister’s double about stories of her childhood which strangely happened in this world as well. Hmm, What are the chances?
Ted appears to stop Arturo from telling about 12 Days Of Christmas that Rembrandt is singing but surprise, surprise as Ted is being a total dick to take Arturo and Rembrandt away. Oh, Don’t Worry as Quinn, Wade and Kelly stopped Ted from owning the other two sliders. Ted became a total douche as he runs away before he’s one-punched by Quinn. The episode is close to end as The Sliders, Carol, Her Baby and The Welles are having a delightful christmas dinner before they taken a picture minutes before their vortex opens.
Besides the weird Cloud-operated mall, This episode is just harmless fun and one of the good ones to watch for Christmas Time. If you never seen the show, Just start at the beginning but I will warn you that there’s a downfall within the third season so I recommend buying the first two seasons and probably the third for this christmas special.
Next: My choice for a even-stupider Christmas Episode of a TV Show… It’s gonna suck.
December 25, 2010 § Leave a comment
Here are the following you don’t know about Christmas…
* It’s A Wonderful Life is actually remade before. First there was a 1977 Made-For-TV movie It Happened One Christmas which surprisingly is gender-reversed stuff (while it features Orson Welles, Christopher Guest and C. Thomas Howell). There’s also a version of It’s A Wonderful Life with adult film star Asia Argento (and it probably has nothing to do with Christmas) and also there’s this movie…
* Bon Jovi was once involved in a christmas album… about Star Wars. For those who haven’t heard about Christmas With The Stars, It’s best to remain unheard but I’ll leave this track for Bon Jovi fanatics to judge this track (also, this is his very first song)…
* Guess who hates Christmas? Lady Gaga, Ozzy Osbourne (mainly because he was in a biking accident in December 2003), Colin Firth, Diega Luna, Hugh Grant and the author of The Snowman himself, Raymond Briggs.
* Hellraiser has a Christmas Special… First, That crossover involving Nightbreed and now this. Damn, Clive Barker has made horror that fucked up.
* Legion is a movie about a renegade angel protecting a pregnant woman in a time of eventual apocalypse and this movie clearly sucks… also, it sets in the week of Christmas. It makes sense that the second coming will be born the same time as the first birth of Jesus Christ but why the Apocalypse? Seriously, This is what idiots will watch this christmas time!
* There’s an Star Trek: Voyager Christmas Episode… sort of. Like when the Voyager crew celebrate the Talaxian version of the Holiday and it involves attempted suicide. And you thought Life Day in Star Wars Holiday Special is weird enough.
* Any movie made by renowned animator Hayao Miyazaki will be played on australian community channel SBS on Christmas Day… and on 8PM. Hey, I’m placing my bets on The Castle of Cagliostro.
* Marvel Superhero Daredevil once got stabbed by a Santa Claus Robber… ouch. Also, Rob Liefeld once killed the christmas spirit with this…
* Santa Claus is once played by Pat Morita. Yes, Mister Miyagi once played a Santa Claus so take a look for yourself…
… Also Keanu Reeves is in the movie so it must be that Excellent…
… Uh, Never Mind.
NEXT PART: Christmas in a Parallel Universe far away.
December 24, 2010 § Leave a comment
Tron itself is another 80s nostalgic classic that gained cult following and I was born two years after this movie hit the cinemas. It was one of the best Disney movies in existence and who knows if somebody disagree with that. Flashing forward to 2008 and a little-noticed bootleg trailer hits the web, It made me wanna see this movie when it came out and it’s certain enough to give new fans to look at with Viral Campaigns and anything else. And now I’ve seen the movie and what can I tell you about it?
The movie primary focuses on Sam Flynn (Garrett Hedlund) whom breaks to ENCOM International and leaked the OS software and I don’t know if Sam Flynn prefers to go the adventurous way like Richard Burton but he’s not in charge in ENCOM like his father Kevin Flynn (Jeff Bridges) who disappeared in 1989. After his later encounter with Alan Bradley (Bruce Boxlietner) about the mysterious pager message from Flynn Arcade, Sam decides to go there and eventually entered the Tronverse.
There, He encountered Clu (Jeff Bridges again) who’s the antagonist here and will do anything to go to the main universe. He also encountered his father and Quorra (Olivia Wilde and together they must both reach home before the portal closes and defeat Clu once and for all.
This long-awaited sequel to a 1982 classic is worth watching but I do hate to say this – It’s not the most anticipated movie of the year as what the adverts says. For one, You hardly see Bruce Boxleitner as Tron which is a bit disappointing and the movie may be viewed in 3D but also viewed in 2D (from the nearest cinema) so it’s not better standards as Avatar.
Other than the average enjoyment of the sequel, The soundtrack by Daft Punk is purely awesome and there’s a surprise and unsuspected cameo from Cillian Murphy as Edward Dillinger Jr. plus Martin Sheen’s role as Castor is purely flamboyant and hilarious that he nearly steals the show. Also, The visual effects is cool and surprisingly even on the face of Clu which is strange to think you might actually see Jeff Bridges back to his 1980s ageing status.
I suggest you could either see it or wait for the DVD/Blu-Ray (with hopes of the original movie re-released) so that’s you get from one man’s opinion here. Now I’m gonna finish up on a couple christmas reviews before I take a look at not one but two Tron rip-offs. Yes, They exist and I got them both… I’m so gonna have my post-christmas stress.
December 10, 2010 § Leave a comment
INTRODUCTION: This new series (which replaced “Just A Harmless Attack” since my fourth work is delayed indefinitely due to writer’s block) focuses on my reviews on the good, the bad and the ugliness of music. It’s released simultaneously with the ones posted at Shattered Records forum and be sure to check it out with somebody else’s opinion on music. So enough of yet another plug and on to the review.
Last decade was weird when I was in various kind of phases – I was in a phase when Britney Spears was once hot, I was in a phase when 50 Cent was better than Tupac Shakur and yes, I was also in a Emo phase. But one phase that covered half of the decade was sadly Limp Bizkit. Yeah, I’ve been listening to their music from Chocolate Starfish to well… This thing that I brought when it came out. Ever since then, I’m thinking why the fuck did I brought this… thing?
I’m passed beyond to the point of enjoy my time listening to them. I don’t care anymore on what to think of Fred Durst and his sense of Nu-Metal music. Heck, I didn’t even bother checking if his latest “comeback” album is out yet. Well, I’m going to their territory and listen to their EP that halted their career. So let me put this $12.99 release on give it some breakdown on this piece of shit.
01) The Propaganda – This song is nothing interesting to start of with. It’s basically Fred telling us that Propaganda is the best sell to us innocent people and we’re all kinda knew that since Captain America and Superman tells their readers to buy War Bonds to fight against Hitler. It is the usual Nu Metal back-to-basics with Wes Borland involved and that’s about it.
02) The Truth – Perhaps the only song to be released in Music Video form and well, this one is a bit okay. It’s basically the Band suggesting us to imagine a world where Truth is acceptable and with God being involved. But then, He goes on about a world with Violence being mentioned and this from a guy who once started a mosh pit that killed a fangirl in the process. Oh, Has Fred even bothered to write a tribute to one Jessica Michalik? I’ll have to check on that on future installments but in the meantime, Here’s the music video:
03) The Priest – This song is fucking terrible and the most disturbing “Ripped from the Headlines” track ever heard. In the beginning, Fred is having some thoughts on him turning into a Priest and I’m not sure if it’s connected to his appearance on mini-series “Revelations”. Then, The second half came when Father Fred Durst sees another Priest molesting children, Buildings blown up by Terrorists and… Tom Morello killing Dimebag Darell on stage. Wow, This song is surely making controversy but failed since it’s only us LP fans (even former ones) and Reviewers know about it. The song then ends in a Propaganda-like anthem with soldiers marching. Uh, How is this connected to this song apparently? You know, This is the worst Limp Bizkit song I ever heard.
04) The Key – This is yet another attempt of Fred Durst going down on Nu-Metal Hip Hop and well… There’s no guest rappers like Method Man and DMX and it’s probably two-and-a-half minutes short so this song is probably a filler track and probably an example of Fred imagining doing his solo Hip-Hop album. So it’s stupid but it is quick.
05) The Channel – This song is also okay but not original since it’s basically Fred Durst explaining that he hates everything from Television to Radio to Deceased Drug-Overdosed Heroes. Plus, He doesn’t give a fuck about anything he mentions… which is already been done before. It’s just a usual Limp Bizkit track.
06) The Story – I’m not sure if Fred Durst is a fan of Paul McCartney and Wings since he basically started off with “Just live and let die” but moving on anyway. I thought this song was a bit okay but what ruined this track is Fred mentioned his life is like a “E! True Hollywood Story”. And then, He explains issue on civilians with their lifestyle taste ain’t using that kinda style anymore like Rappers, Actors… and Limpsters! If that is the new nickname for LP fans then I hate it. So Basically, This song is Fred talking about his view on Hollywood or something similar?
07) The Surrender – This song is a bit change since it’s Fred and his band on their dark stripped down take. This one is kinda okay and I hope for something like that from a band who normally sings to post-Y2K fanbase. But sadly with Gold Cobra coming out, My hope is forever hopeless.
B-Sides And Other Junks
* The Unquestionable Truth Intro – Nothing much to say about this since it doesn’t involve the Band performing and that’s about it. Also, This intro is previously heard on their website that I went before the EP’s release so nothing much on that.
* The Unquestionable Truth CD-Rom Video – Believe it or not, It doesn’t work much on my laptop for some strange reason so I’ve finding a alternate copy online and well, I give up because I remember watching it years ago and it’s nothing interesting as well.
So The EP only have a couple of good tunes with bad tunes involved. It’s a forgotten piece of their poisonous Discography and should be stayed forgotten because the Band dismissed it and there will never be a ”Part II” coming out. And why am I reviewing this instead of their earlier albums? Just to prepare myself for the worst… Now I’m taking a Durst break and tackle other things before I should check their only album without a Wes Borland involvement.
December 5, 2010 § 3 Comments
Back in the Seventies, There was a time when Punks plan to kill off the Disco Craze, Jack Kirby gave birth to the Fourth World and Robert DeNiro knows who he’s talking to. That decade also gave new take on Exploitation when it was the king on the big screen. Notable of all is when Roger Corman became involved with a cult classic that is Death Race 2000 where David Carradine dukes out with Sylvester Stallone in his early roles. If anything, This could be a perfect example of how Roger got his lifetime achievement at the Oscars.
Flashing forward to last decade and The movie got a gritty facelift with Jason Statham taking the front seat. Like its predecessor,It sets in the near future and it’s filled with awesomeness. Prior to release, I was about to witness a “workprint” copy of the movie but instead what I saw was the only 10 seconds of the first Asylum movie that I ever witnessed. And damn, I haven’t seen that movie until recently.
So now I’m about to review this heinous movie from start to finish, This movie also sets in the near future and we meet the antagonist known as “The Reaper” (WWE’s Scott “Raven” Levy) whom is planning to fill the town’s water with sarin and his work is secretly filmed by “FX” (Dustin Fitzsimons) whom is discovered by The Reaper and escaped from the Reaper’s henchman known as… The Mohawk Terminator! Actually, It’s known as “Metal Machine Man” (Damien Puckler) but after seeing Metal Man and knowing that Lou Reed had released his album called Metal Machine Music, I’m gonna say that the name sucks and I prefer to use the Mohawk Terminator.
Somewhere in town not announced, We meet Governor Reagan Black (Robert Pike Daniel) who might be a possible member of the Bush family tree by the way he acts. He mentioned that the only way to stop the Reaper is to start-up the game known as… Death Race! We then cut to the television show with the same name which is hosted by Harvey Winker (Stephen Blackhart) and Jennifer Ramirez (Caroline Attwood) whom then introduces the four outlaw racing teams to stop the Reaper:
- The Severed Head Gang – Led by Danny Satanico (Koco Limbievski) and Fred The Hammer (Jason Ellefson) and went to prison for beheaded their rivals. Note that Danny’s the first one of go when his head got exploded in Scanners mode prior to the game.
- Homeland Security – Led by Colonel Bob (Paolo Carasco) and Captain Rudy Jackson (Rick Benedetto) who went to prison for being disgraced from the US Army.
- Vaginamyte – Led by Queen B (Thereese) and Double-Dee Destruction (Jennifer Elizabeth Keith). They’re the Femme Fatales of the group who got sent to prison for being serial killers.
- The Insane Clown Posse – Led by… Well, The Insane Clown Posse themselves. Yeah, This mockbuster is specially made for them since they went to prison for their Rap numbers that caused murder and mayhem plus they were known as “The Charles Manson of their time” even though Charles Manson himself was alive and in prison… on their time. In fact, Look at this way…
How did The Insane Clown Posse achieved the same look they have when they looked at… today. Did they archive immortality, being cloned or being completely idiots like they were since their rap career began? I don’t know but I tell you this in the form of a video…
For a game show the promotes violence and carnage, The FCC might have not bothered with Harvey’s comments that he wants the blowjob… Live on television. Not since the Janet Jackson incident has made your kids hear about this. And last and not least, Fred The Hammer mentioned to his competitor mates that he wants to get a headjob… from a severed head!
So the race begins with the racers killing the nearby civilians and I do like watching the carnage if it wasn’t for one problem – The endless montage of any ICP songs playing over the scenes. And during the race, The Homeland Security team got fried meaning there’s only five racers left in the game. Following the death, The ICP witnessed FX and used him as hostage. The game goes on (with the ICP songs still playing) before we see Queen B stripping in front of two civilians and the ICP behind them. But that’s not before the Mohawk Terminator makes his second appearance only to get hit by an computer-generated mini-missile.
So FX is killed off and the Racers wasting their own time fixing their own wheels. After that, We see the Mohawk Terminator capturing Queen B, The ICP killing the Whores of Babylon (that’s actually mentioned in the movie) and Frank The Hammer hammering up with Queen B’s teammate Double-Dee Destruction. I can say that their sex is short-lived because Frank and DDD save Queen B from being continuously raped by the Mohawk Terminator and I’m gonna miss that stupid rapist.
Surprisingly, Fred The Hammer got hammered (and not in a sexual context) by Queen B which results him shooting her before he dies. Leaving three more left in the game, The ICP finally arrived in the Reaper’s Lair and nearly stopped the Reaper but in shocking movie twist… The Homeland Security fakes their own deaths and caused the explosion that killed the Reaper and the Posse (or so they thought?) which has the team taking Reaper’s arm and got away. With Shaggy 2 Dope surviving his time to stop the Homeland Security, Violent J is injured and tries to stop the one-armed Reaper from releasing the Sarin. However, There’s carnage involved when Shaggy 2 Dope shoots both the Homeland Security and Governor Black in the finish line before both Shaggy and Violent J’s head went to the Scanner mode which has the Sarin released and killing nearly every US civilian… with Double-Dee Destruction being the ultimate survivor.
This is the first Asylum mockbuster that I know that has it all – Language, Sex and Violence while being done poorly and with the stupidest set of acting ever offered. This is the kind of movie that should be MSTed by anybody for fun since this is hilariously bad and more enjoyable. I do hate the Insane Clown Posse and after seeing this, I didn’t change my mind. What’s more hilarious is that Violent J himself refers this movie as “the bootleg ripoff fake version of Death Race” and since there’s a direct-to-dvd prequel to Death Race in shelves by the time I’m writing this, I’m just hoping that Death Racers didn’t follow the same path unless it explains how the ICP looked that young in 2030 which is pretty absurd if you think about it.