Seltzerberg-A-Thon Day 3: Meet The Spartans

April 30, 2011 § Leave a comment

What to say about Frank Miller? He’s an okay guy. We already know that he’s responsible for giving a grim-and-gritty feel to both Batman and Daredevil as well as being the creator of Sin City but he’s also criticized over both All-Star Batman And Robin and the theatrical adaptation of The Spirit. Sure, That movie is weird but I dug the All-Star Batman comic book. Yeah, You heard what I said.

Back to the Frank Miller part and he’s also responsible for the graphic novel 300 which like Sin City is faithfully adapted into a comic book. And then Seltzer and Friedberg decide to faithfully ruined the movie by parody it under their title called Meet The Spartans. Dammit, Why spoof a comic book adapted movie? At least Superhero Movie is better than this chunk of shit so now, I have to watch this idiotic flick.

This movies involves King Leonidas (Sean Maquire) denied Xerxes’ demands to have the land of Sparta ruled by him so a war is broken out between the Spartans and the Persians. Meanwhile, Leonidas wife Margo (Carmen Electra, and the character is loosely based on Gorgo) decides to shag Traitoro (Diedrich Bader, and the character is loosely based on Theron) before Traitoro betrays Margo. Pfft, What A Traitor.

The Spartans battle the Persians, Paris Hilton (Nicole Parker, and the character is very loosely based on Ephialtes) joins the Persians after not accepted because she’s deformed and Xerxes is now played by “the fat guy from Borat” (they even mentioned it during the movie) instead of Paulo from Lost. All In All, The paragraph above is exactly the same plot as Frank Miller’s 300 with Parodic Changes. So what else do I explain? The humor of this movie. Sure, Why Not?

Like the other movies, There are continuous jokes but this one has more than Epic Movie and Date Movie combined. It’s also bad to use jokes in scenes that is not necessary and when there’s a scene involving a computer mentioning that this movie is a “cheap ripoff of 300”, It definitely shows. Even the background is fake and not visually effected.

As for the acting, Sean Maquire failed badly and Ken Davitian (aka “that fat guy from Borat”) doesn’t really show humor in the same way as Borat and Get Smart. Carmen Electra plays a “Stock Slut Character”, Diedrich plays a “Stock Pervert Character” and the only one that nearly shows the true acting chops is surprisingly Kevin Sorbo himself. For a guy previously playing both Hercules and Kull, He act like he’s the only serious type here… that is until the Musical Sequence ruined it.

So in last words, Meet The Spartans is the worst parody of a movie that’s previously released a year ago. I could take the Wayans Brothers spoofing Scream in Scary Movie and I can safely say that Superhero Movie is good enough to spoof Spider-Man that is way better than the Spider-Man in this movie (Yeah, There’s a Spider-Man spoof in Meet The Spartans and the catch is Carmen Electra plays the webslinger!) but this… I can see why they rushed this out to release it that quickly. And also, Seltzer and Friedberg released Disaster Movie seven months later. What The Flying Fuck? And that’s another bad spoof movie I’m gonna watch now.

NEXT: Disaster Movie – Disastrous enough to throw a cow at a superhero

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Seltzerberg-A-Thon Day 2: Epic Movie

April 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

I’m still alive and with sanity intact so let me tell you a bit more about the Seltzerbergs. Before I start, You might be wondering why I didn’t include Spy Hard in the Leslie Nielsen Eulogy that I wrote back then. The obvious answer might be because both Seltzer and Friedberg had written the script but the honest truth is I forgot to add that in the Eulogy. To be fair, The movie is okay but forgettable.

Back to the team, I got nothing. You See, I already mentioned enough of them back on my Date Movie review so maybe the Meet The Spartans review would be me saying “Blah Blah Blah… The Seltzerbergs are parodying Frank Miller’s 300… Blah Blah Blah… Carmen Electra has no brain”. Sigh, But I have to talk about that movie so before that, I have to review Epic Movie instead… and I’m still not using an Epic Fail joke because it’s been done.

The movies involves four orphans – Peter, Lucy, Susan and Edward (Adam Campbell, Jayma Mays, Faune Chambers and Kal Penn) who each discovered their own Willy Bar Golden Ticket (Yes, A Willy Bar instead of a Wonka Bar!). Before discovering the ticket, Peter is a failed mutant outcast, Susan nearly became adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie but get kicked out of the plane by Samuel L. Jackson (while in his Snakes On A Plane phase), Edward got kicked by Nacho Libre and Lucy discovers the clues thanks her deceased adopted father played by… David Carradine!

They went to the Willy Wonka factory where they meet Willy Wonka played by… Crispin Glover!! Okay, Why are they signed on to this turkey? Nothing much happens before The Orphans tried to hide from Willy Wonka (who wants their human parts for chocolate) which has Lucy discovered a parallel dimension within the wardrobe. She is then stumbled onto Gnarnia and meets Mr Tumnus (Hector Jimenez), a half-human, half-goat guy who shows his home in the parody style of MTV’s Cribs.

Edward later appears in Gnarnia and meets the antagonist known as The White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge) and heaps of pointless jokes is involved. The other two Orphans later appeared and went to Mr Tumnus house where they meet his life partner Harry Beaver (Katt Williams) and I’m not laughing at these jokes so I’m skipping to the part where Tumnus got shot by… An African-American Albino Monk!

So while Edward became imprisoned by The White Bitch, The other three went to Hogwarts and meets Harry Potter played… Kevin McDonald!!! Somewhere, There are fans of Kids In The Hall crying their tears out. So following an unfunny 80s music montage, We get back to The White Bitch who reveals her plans before her henchmen/slave/whatever Bink (Tony Cox) points out the plan is the plot to Superman Returns.

The three orphans then went to meet up with Aslo (Fred Willard) and… Eew, They anticipate in a threesome and with Fred Willard! So following that, They went to escape Edward from being imprisoned with the cost of Aslo’s life. Reunited, The four orphans prepares for battle in Aslo’s campsite but first they have a party which involves vomiting, Peter having a weird sex with Mystique (Carmen Electra) and… Eagles Of Death Metal playing their songs! Carradine, Glover and even Eagles Of Death Metal. WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY IN THIS MOVIE?

The Battle is about to happen with only the four Orphans against The White Bitch and her minions. With the three fallen, Peter discovers the remote from Click and fucked the movie up with having the three resurrected and the White Bitch defeated. The four orphans became kings and queens until old age before discovering the way back to “our” dimension which results them getting killed in front of Borat (Danny Jacobs).

While Date Movie manage to be harmless-but-bad-movie, Nothing good is untouched here. The story is flat-out bad, the acting is stupid, the Jokes are here for no laughable reason and it’s one of the reasons (other than You Got Served) that made me lost interest with the current states of Hip Hop Music with Bubba Sparxxx and Scarface involved. If you liked it, Then you don’t know the meaning of comedy. Sigh, Two movies down and three more left… THREE MORE SELTZERBERG MOVIES!!!

NEXT: Meet The Spartans – The only 300 movie parody other than National Lampoon’s The Legend of Awesomest Maximus. Yes, There’s another 300 spoof movie and I don’t know if I’m gonna watch that as well.

Seltzerberg-A-Thon Day 1: Date Movie

April 26, 2011 § Leave a comment

I’m Unhappy About This. First of all, I finally see New Moon and survived it. And Then, I don’t have Eclipse and thought I was free from the agony but it’s gonna get worst. How Worst? I have to watch every directorial movie by Seltzer and Friedberg… and in a single week. Does these guys need introductions here? Because I would throw in their introductions so let’s get on with it.

Okay, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg are the most notorious team in Hollywood whom caused the death of the Spoof Genre (as I already mentioned in a screencaption above). Instead of using the style of Jim Abrahams and the Zucker brothers, They decide to watch the news and movie trailers which is used as “jokes” for their own movies… well, they presumably seen 300 and Twilight so they spoofed that as well. And what’s with the name known as Seltzerberg? Do you see the news about “The Lucasberg” single handedly kill the Indiana Jones franchise by putting Shia LaPoop as Indy’s Son? Fuck No.

So on the first day of this five-day review special, I’ll start with their most successful movie ever released known as Date Movie. And I’m going through Story Mode… Kind Of.

While I’m putting on the DVD, It starts with a preview of King Of The Hill and American Dad! Oh Sweet, Two trailers that’ll start off the annoyance. But the movie actually begins with Julia (Alyson Hannigan) waking up from recurring nightmares about not getting married with… Napoleon Dynamite! Uh Whatever. She then decides to do a dancing montage before we get to see her work in a Greek Diner co-owned by her boss and father Frank (Eddie Griffin). Wait, Eddie Griffin?

There, She meets her love interest Grant (Adam Campbell) but a misstep has Grant falling down. Later On, She went to Hitch (Tony Cox) and needed love so badly that she revealed her makeover by getting pimped out! She now becomes one of the contestants of The Extreme Bachelor where the bachelor is surprisingly Grant himself. What are the fucking odds? He then eliminate the other contestants by shooting.

After few minutes, Grant coincidentally choose Julia and won a good prize: Having a Date at “A Restaurant” (which is what the host Chris Harrison said) which involves Grant orgasmed by himself and a flashback involving Julia’s Audition Tape. Oh, And they were about to have their first sex scene which is watched by her old-aged neighbour. Grant then meets Julia’s parents and nothing much but Jinxer the cat doing a over-the-minute shitting in the toilet and shagging a decompose body of Julia’s grandmother that was hidden in the Urn!

It’s night and following an Unfunny Background Event involving Michael Jackson, Grant proposed to Julia (with Frodo, Gandalf and Samwise involved) and Julia (along with her parents) meets Grant’s parents that are played by Fred Willard and Jennifer Coolidge. And there’s alotta useless sex jokes involved so what’s next? A perfect fanservice of Sophie Monk?

Sophie Monk plays Grant’s best woman/ex-fiancée Andy and… she takes her bikini suit off in public! It’s too bad that this movie is PG-13 so moving to how Julia gained telepathic abilities. Well, She tried on a wedding dress along with Andy and got electrocuted which results to a Kill Bill parody fighting (that goes nowhere since we getting long pointless flashbacks instead).

Then we get to the Rehearsal Dinner with special useless appearance by Lil’ Jon. They also get a musical number (which is stupid) and that’s about it so let’s go Wedding Day where Julia is squeezing a fake zit in a close-up shot. Uh, Ew! By The Way, The Wedding is off because of a shitty parody of My Best Friend’s Wedding has happened. And then, Grant does what John Cusack and other lonely blokes does after the wedding.

Julia is nearly forced to marry her co-worker Nicky (Judah Friedlander) but the wedding is not gonna happen as well plus we get a Product Placement that is pointless enough. She then reads a magazine article by Grant and decides to reunite with him (while Grant is looking like a blonde-haired Jesus) and the movie ends like any other romantic movies they’re spoofing – Grant dancing to the Elevator Music.

No, The movie ends with Julia and Grant reunited so like any other romantic movie with a happy clichéd ending like getting married and Carmen Electra in a parody of King Kong. Dammit, The tribe even chanted Carmen Electra’s name but that’s the end with bloopers involved.


The movie is fairly boring but unlike the other movies directed by them, It’s strangely keeping the movie very plotwise and felt like it’s nearly a straight-forward spoof movie. But given the fact, it has stupid parodies and pop culture references, the acting is a so-so and it’s a little annoying. So seeing as this is first movie directed by Seltzer and Friedberg, This is an okay start but the darkness is near.

NEXT: Epic Movie – No, I’m putting an Epic Fail joke here.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

April 19, 2011 § Leave a comment

NOTE: The previous review has me mention the actor’s names so I won’t bother putting “Edward (Robert Pattison)” or “Bella (Kristen Stewart )” but I do add new ones anyway so enjoy my review.

Oh Good Gosh! I have finally watched New Moon and it’s like the first one but now five percent taken off the boring part. I’m kinda afraid to see this but I must choose to face it and it’s not really worst than Death. After watching this movie, I thought of sending the review right away but the boredom caused me to enjoy my free time looking at the forums, the music and the videos. Heck, I even nearly thought of taking an actual break and just in case, the break of February 2011 doesn’t count.

And how should I start this movie? Well, I already thought of this one…

The movie begins with a prophetic dream sequence involving her running within the Red Monks and becoming her dead grandmother in front of Edward… This dream is so stupid that it makes the dream sequence of the next movie I’m gonna review a bit better. So Bella wakes up celebrating her birthday like getting kissed by Edward, got a dreamcatcher from Jacob as a gift and nearly got attacked by Jasper Cullen (Jackson Rathbone).

Following the near attack, The Cullens decide to move away which results to Edward breaking up with Bella. So what does she do after the breakup? She sleeps in the woods only to get discovered by Sam Uley (Chaske Spencer) while being shirtless. But To Be Fair, It’s not the most shocking part of the movie. So she takes the breakup badly that made her stand in her room from October to December… Oh, I’m not kidding about that because that actually happen. She stands in one spot in her own room for three whole months.

But there’s a way to forget about the breakup and that is having a Girls Night Out with Jessica (Anna Kendrick) but she is instead fascinated with Edward’s ghostlike figures that made her taking a short bike ride with… a middle-aged biker! Oh, and the attempted gangbang from the first movie is shown again in a flashback… Now that is the most shocking part of the movie and the one before. But she ditches the biker and tries to become a biker herself and to do that, she needs a motorbike which is under repairs by Jacob Black.

And that’s when we get a Bella & Jacob montage and scenes of filler, I can’t wait to see Eclipse but I don’t have it. She is later rejoining her mortal friends and Mike (Michael Welch) asked her for a date again (he asked her on the last movie) and she accepts but with one problem – It’s a threesome date with Jacob Black. So they see this horror movie and Mike has gone to the toilet to throw up. Jacob comforts Bella before something I wish would have happen in the movie – Jacob beating the shit out of Mike. I just wish that ever happened.

It’s Next Day and Jacob has gotten himself a haircut. Oh, And he tries to end his friendship with Bella because he’s a “bad person”. She wanders alone and that’s before Laurent (Edi Gathegi) shown up about to get a bloodsucking feast. However, Jacob and his buddies rescued her and eating Laurent in the process. I forgot to mention that there was a beheading flashback sequence earlier so this movie may seem graphic but it’s not.

A day following that attack, Bella wanted to see Jacob before Sam and the other bare-chested werewolves shown up and she discovers the Werewolf Attack. However, the remaining werewolves take Bella to Sam’s wife’s house and the fight seems to be over. I’m bored that I’m going pass that story and the fillers to Victoria making an attack while Bella does her cliff diving before she’s saved by Jacob. Yeah, That’s how I see it.

Jacob takes Bella home and guess what? Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) shows up and she had a minor conflict with Jacob. As for Edward, He thinks Bella’s dead so what does he do? Try to kill himself. So Bella and Alice had gone to Italy to stop it and they succeeded but not without meeting the members of Volturi including Dakota Fanning here. Yeah, This movie has one star quality and it’s the girl who starred in Cat In The Hat.

I was actually barely asleep at this point so what I remember there is there’s a fight, we get Bella as a Vampire and I don’t know but I’ve stopped for a couple of minutes and had myself a mocha. Okay, The Cullens are back in Forks, Jacob warns Edward not to turn Bella into a vampire and Edward proposing to Bella which now ended this movie.

The movie is like the Twilight but there is very good parts (The beheading flashback, Mike getting sick and even the Shakespeare part which is surprising), it kinda builds up okay on the first-and-a-half part while the remaining parts of the movie nearly made me asleep. You know what? I think I found a movie that can make me go to sleep whenever I have Insomnia. And the good news is that I don’t have Eclipse so I don’t know if I review it or not but there is a bad news – I do have five directorial movies by the Seltzerbergs. So If I don’t make it to the first review then Goodbye Cruel World!

50th Post Celebration Review

April 15, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s a good time to celebrate as this is my 50th Post on the site and I do have cherish memories. I remember that Road Warrior goof, I wasted my own time watching The Apocalypse and Metal Man and have lost my interest further than before when it comes to that Lady Gaga comic. And I could be doing another “Lend Me Your Ears” installment or finally doing the “Censored Porn” (which has my original documents mysteriously lost) but instead, I’ll be talking about the greatest movie that I have ever seen – Brian De Palma’s Blow Out.


Aah Yes, That movie that shocked the first time that I’ve… Wait? Why is that Twilight picture shown before this paragraph? You know what? Let me just check the inside before the review begins.


So… Twilight! Fine, I’m reviewing one of the movies that I thought I never review and my celebration is already ruined. So the movie begins with a deer speeding away before he gets caught by a mysterious deer hunter. Is it a Vampire? Is it a Werewolf? Is it De Niro and Walken? It’s never explained. And this is just the start of the movie. Now where’s that Dr Kevokian phone card?


After that start, We meet Bella (Kristen Stewart) as she travels with her pornstache father Charlie (Billy Burke) to the town of Forks. There, She meets Billy Black (Gil Birmingham) and his son Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and nothing much except that Charlie and Billy acting like the homies when they said “I’m down with the kids” and “you’re the bomb”… Why isn’t there a movie about Charlie and Billy during the 1990s? I would pay to see that.


She then goes to the diner which is nothing interesting (except that Stephenie Meyer herself cameo in one scene) and then to the school where she meets today’s teenagers (as played by the early twenties and yes, I’ve known about Dawson Casting) which includes the guy who said “Chillex” (and why did I write that?) and other barely known people. So let’s introduce the Cullen teenagers instead.


Bella then became attracted to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison) and there’s loads of fillers following that. And I do mean fillers but these fillers ranged from a little hilarious (from the scene where Edward first saw Bella while the wind blows his school paper) to boring. After the fillers, One of Bella’s classmate Tyler (Gregory Tyree Boyce) nearly hits Bella with his car but Edward went all Superman at us as she saves Bella and cracked the car.


The story is now back to be slow and fillerish as Edward became a dick to Bella for days before he saves Bella again as she’s about to get gangraped. Yeah, This is a movie based on a Young Adult Novel and there was an attempt gangrape scene. Bella touches Edward’s hands and she slowly figures out that the Cullens are Vampires (through Google, one of the Product Placements of the movie). Edward and Bella meet at school and skipped the class to let Bella tell Edward about the secret which leads to… this scene (if that doesn’t work, click the image to see what I mean)…


And then came that “Sparkling Vampire” moment, You’ve probably seen it already so moving on. Edward and Bella officially become a couple as they walk to school together and have Bella invited to the Cullens house. And wanna know something else, Bella is also invited to the Cullen Baseball Game which includes Muse’s iconic classic “Supermassive Black Hole” playing for a stupid reason. Bella and The Cullens then encounter the three vampire antagonists and I sadly recognised one of them.


A fight sort-of broke out, Edward decide to warn Bella to leave town and James (Cam Gigandet) do a fake kidnapping of Bella’s mother. Bella then went to the Ballet studio where she hasn’t been since she was a child. And Oh Shit, Vampires can been seen in a mirror – Now let’s see them in a church touching the holy water and the crosses.


Edward and the Cullens show up and James is killed. Hey, That’s what he gets for getting Mischa Barton’s character killed. After recovering from hospital, Bella and Edward went to the Prom with Jacob showing up before he leaves when he encountered Edward. Oh, And Edward did some foreshadowing spoiler thingy when he said “the wolves descend”. Hmm, So the movie ends with Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) watching them and walking down the stairs giving us a fourth wall!


This is officially the second time I’ve seen this movie (and the first without a Rifftrax commentary) and what can I say about it? It is kinda harmless to watch but also 90% boring. There is some moments here and there, the acting is a so-so, the visual scenes is at least stunning and I already said stuff about the Soundtrack on the “Just A Harmless Attack” installment.


And now, I have to prepare myself because not only am I gonna see New Moon for the very first (and only) time plus I have five more awful movies that may literally kill me. And hey, It’s not Uwe Boll’s Seed… I Think!!!

Red Surf

April 10, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s pretty hilarious when celebrities have odd roles before they were famous like Sylvester Stallone in a Porn, Bruce Willis in an episode of The Twilight Zone or Michael Cera channeling Chuck Barris in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. And Hey, The Next Best Thing comes along with his or her own Skeletons in the closet… like Bill Murray doing a voiceover in a Fantastic Four radio program.

But the weirdest “Before They Were Stars” part is George Clooney because while he has made a big break in ER, He previously appeared in some forgettable stuff like the unreleased Grizzly II and the released Return To Horror High. On Yeah, He also appeared in a 1980s Hospital Sitcom called E/R so that makes it two medical shows with the same two letters that George Clooney has starred in! And Now, We have another edition to pre-fame George Clooney filmography known simply as Red Surf.

Remar (George Clooney) is the leader member of a Surfer Gang that involves playing a prank to his friend Attila (Doug Savant), selling drugs to offscreen characters and being friends with Doc (Gene Simmons). I ain’t kidding here because George Clooney is actually in a movie with the lead singer of KISS. So later on, One of his friends known as “True Blue” (Philip McKeon) gets in trouble which has members of a rival gang seeing him the Police Station and it caught the attention of their boss Calavera (Rick Najera).

Meanwhile, Remar’s girlfriend Rebecca (Deedee Pfeiffer) has fallen Pregnant and decides to move away with Remar to Portland. However, Remar has to finish one more job which became abrupted as “True Blue” himself gets killed of which has his body being eaten by the dogs while his head is literally sleeping with the fishes. Both Remar and Attila found their buddy’s head in the sea which leads to the rival gang to do something drastic – Getting Remar killed off.

After Clooney’s exit to the movie, Attila, Doc and few others decide to do some payback which actually went successful. And Then, Attila and Rebecca decide to go to Portland to raise the family. So how does this movie hold out? It’s surprisingly enjoyable to watch since it has George Clooney acting very unlike his later roles since he’s living his life while it’s short, has his awesome late-eighties hair and even gets to say “Shitfaced” and “Blowjob” on screen.

As for the other actors, They acted okay but it doesn’t have the perfect style like Mr Ocean himself. While I did some checking, I come across the director’s name which is actually H. Gordon Boos (Yes, That’s his name) has made three other movies in his directorial credit – Touch Me, Perfect Assassins and The Vivero Letter. And while I haven’t seen it, I don’t know if it’s better than Red Surf. But I do say this, It’s a perfect double feature viewing along with Point Break so do find a copy and have fun with Clooney saying “Shitfaced” on camera.

COMING UP NEXT INSTALLMENT: My 50th Post on this site and it’s something I wish I never reviewed.

Where Am I?

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