50th Post Celebration Review

April 15, 2011 § Leave a comment

It’s a good time to celebrate as this is my 50th Post on the site and I do have cherish memories. I remember that Road Warrior goof, I wasted my own time watching The Apocalypse and Metal Man and have lost my interest further than before when it comes to that Lady Gaga comic. And I could be doing another “Lend Me Your Ears” installment or finally doing the “Censored Porn” (which has my original documents mysteriously lost) but instead, I’ll be talking about the greatest movie that I have ever seen – Brian De Palma’s Blow Out.

Aah Yes, That movie that shocked the first time that I’ve… Wait? Why is that Twilight picture shown before this paragraph? You know what? Let me just check the inside before the review begins.

So… Twilight! Fine, I’m reviewing one of the movies that I thought I never review and my celebration is already ruined. So the movie begins with a deer speeding away before he gets caught by a mysterious deer hunter. Is it a Vampire? Is it a Werewolf? Is it De Niro and Walken? It’s never explained. And this is just the start of the movie. Now where’s that Dr Kevokian phone card?

After that start, We meet Bella (Kristen Stewart) as she travels with her pornstache father Charlie (Billy Burke) to the town of Forks. There, She meets Billy Black (Gil Birmingham) and his son Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and nothing much except that Charlie and Billy acting like the homies when they said “I’m down with the kids” and “you’re the bomb”… Why isn’t there a movie about Charlie and Billy during the 1990s? I would pay to see that.

She then goes to the diner which is nothing interesting (except that Stephenie Meyer herself cameo in one scene) and then to the school where she meets today’s teenagers (as played by the early twenties and yes, I’ve known about Dawson Casting) which includes the guy who said “Chillex” (and why did I write that?) and other barely known people. So let’s introduce the Cullen teenagers instead.

Bella then became attracted to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattison) and there’s loads of fillers following that. And I do mean fillers but these fillers ranged from a little hilarious (from the scene where Edward first saw Bella while the wind blows his school paper) to boring. After the fillers, One of Bella’s classmate Tyler (Gregory Tyree Boyce) nearly hits Bella with his car but Edward went all Superman at us as she saves Bella and cracked the car.

The story is now back to be slow and fillerish as Edward became a dick to Bella for days before he saves Bella again as she’s about to get gangraped. Yeah, This is a movie based on a Young Adult Novel and there was an attempt gangrape scene. Bella touches Edward’s hands and she slowly figures out that the Cullens are Vampires (through Google, one of the Product Placements of the movie). Edward and Bella meet at school and skipped the class to let Bella tell Edward about the secret which leads to… this scene (if that doesn’t work, click the image to see what I mean)…

And then came that “Sparkling Vampire” moment, You’ve probably seen it already so moving on. Edward and Bella officially become a couple as they walk to school together and have Bella invited to the Cullens house. And wanna know something else, Bella is also invited to the Cullen Baseball Game which includes Muse’s iconic classic “Supermassive Black Hole” playing for a stupid reason. Bella and The Cullens then encounter the three vampire antagonists and I sadly recognised one of them.

A fight sort-of broke out, Edward decide to warn Bella to leave town and James (Cam Gigandet) do a fake kidnapping of Bella’s mother. Bella then went to the Ballet studio where she hasn’t been since she was a child. And Oh Shit, Vampires can been seen in a mirror – Now let’s see them in a church touching the holy water and the crosses.

Edward and the Cullens show up and James is killed. Hey, That’s what he gets for getting Mischa Barton’s character killed. After recovering from hospital, Bella and Edward went to the Prom with Jacob showing up before he leaves when he encountered Edward. Oh, And Edward did some foreshadowing spoiler thingy when he said “the wolves descend”. Hmm, So the movie ends with Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) watching them and walking down the stairs giving us a fourth wall!

This is officially the second time I’ve seen this movie (and the first without a Rifftrax commentary) and what can I say about it? It is kinda harmless to watch but also 90% boring. There is some moments here and there, the acting is a so-so, the visual scenes is at least stunning and I already said stuff about the Soundtrack on the “Just A Harmless Attack” installment.

And now, I have to prepare myself because not only am I gonna see New Moon for the very first (and only) time plus I have five more awful movies that may literally kill me. And hey, It’s not Uwe Boll’s Seed… I Think!!!


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