Seltzerberg-A-Thon Day 2: Epic Movie

April 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

I’m still alive and with sanity intact so let me tell you a bit more about the Seltzerbergs. Before I start, You might be wondering why I didn’t include Spy Hard in the Leslie Nielsen Eulogy that I wrote back then. The obvious answer might be because both Seltzer and Friedberg had written the script but the honest truth is I forgot to add that in the Eulogy. To be fair, The movie is okay but forgettable.

Back to the team, I got nothing. You See, I already mentioned enough of them back on my Date Movie review so maybe the Meet The Spartans review would be me saying “Blah Blah Blah… The Seltzerbergs are parodying Frank Miller’s 300… Blah Blah Blah… Carmen Electra has no brain”. Sigh, But I have to talk about that movie so before that, I have to review Epic Movie instead… and I’m still not using an Epic Fail joke because it’s been done.

The movies involves four orphans – Peter, Lucy, Susan and Edward (Adam Campbell, Jayma Mays, Faune Chambers and Kal Penn) who each discovered their own Willy Bar Golden Ticket (Yes, A Willy Bar instead of a Wonka Bar!). Before discovering the ticket, Peter is a failed mutant outcast, Susan nearly became adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie but get kicked out of the plane by Samuel L. Jackson (while in his Snakes On A Plane phase), Edward got kicked by Nacho Libre and Lucy discovers the clues thanks her deceased adopted father played by… David Carradine!

They went to the Willy Wonka factory where they meet Willy Wonka played by… Crispin Glover!! Okay, Why are they signed on to this turkey? Nothing much happens before The Orphans tried to hide from Willy Wonka (who wants their human parts for chocolate) which has Lucy discovered a parallel dimension within the wardrobe. She is then stumbled onto Gnarnia and meets Mr Tumnus (Hector Jimenez), a half-human, half-goat guy who shows his home in the parody style of MTV’s Cribs.

Edward later appears in Gnarnia and meets the antagonist known as The White Bitch (Jennifer Coolidge) and heaps of pointless jokes is involved. The other two Orphans later appeared and went to Mr Tumnus house where they meet his life partner Harry Beaver (Katt Williams) and I’m not laughing at these jokes so I’m skipping to the part where Tumnus got shot by… An African-American Albino Monk!

So while Edward became imprisoned by The White Bitch, The other three went to Hogwarts and meets Harry Potter played… Kevin McDonald!!! Somewhere, There are fans of Kids In The Hall crying their tears out. So following an unfunny 80s music montage, We get back to The White Bitch who reveals her plans before her henchmen/slave/whatever Bink (Tony Cox) points out the plan is the plot to Superman Returns.

The three orphans then went to meet up with Aslo (Fred Willard) and… Eew, They anticipate in a threesome and with Fred Willard! So following that, They went to escape Edward from being imprisoned with the cost of Aslo’s life. Reunited, The four orphans prepares for battle in Aslo’s campsite but first they have a party which involves vomiting, Peter having a weird sex with Mystique (Carmen Electra) and… Eagles Of Death Metal playing their songs! Carradine, Glover and even Eagles Of Death Metal. WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY IN THIS MOVIE?

The Battle is about to happen with only the four Orphans against The White Bitch and her minions. With the three fallen, Peter discovers the remote from Click and fucked the movie up with having the three resurrected and the White Bitch defeated. The four orphans became kings and queens until old age before discovering the way back to “our” dimension which results them getting killed in front of Borat (Danny Jacobs).

While Date Movie manage to be harmless-but-bad-movie, Nothing good is untouched here. The story is flat-out bad, the acting is stupid, the Jokes are here for no laughable reason and it’s one of the reasons (other than You Got Served) that made me lost interest with the current states of Hip Hop Music with Bubba Sparxxx and Scarface involved. If you liked it, Then you don’t know the meaning of comedy. Sigh, Two movies down and three more left… THREE MORE SELTZERBERG MOVIES!!!

NEXT: Meet The Spartans – The only 300 movie parody other than National Lampoon’s The Legend of Awesomest Maximus. Yes, There’s another 300 spoof movie and I don’t know if I’m gonna watch that as well.


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