Seltzerberg-A-Thon Day 5: Vampires Suck

May 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

I don’t know what to do anymore. You know what? Let me just see what I have done from backwards. I reviewed a “disaster” movie, a “cheap ripoff” of Frank Miller’s 300, Narnia with a G, a usual Romance movie with pop-culture references and two Twilight Movies. And it all comes in full circle, I’m reviewing a spoof of two Twilight Movies. What’s Next? Halloween Hostel Horror because I don’t speak German and there’s no subtitles that I can find.

And speaking of German, I could safely say that I’ve seen several Uwe Boll movies and I was supposed to review one of his disastrous works. But fuck that, Uwe Boll has something that The Seltzerbergs will never have – A plot, better actors like Jason “Handsome Rob” Statham and even comedy that is at least laughable if you think about it.

And now Vampires Suck, At least it is a suitable title like Meet The Spartans. Now, While the movie follows the plots to both Twilight and New Moon (Obviously), There is something I haven’t seen since Date Movie and that it is has less pop culture references than the three previous movies. Heck, The movie surprisingly has less to do with references and more to do with the plot. First of all, There are constant name changes and when you’re think Edward and Jacob are the only characters to not have name changes but their last name does have changes as well. I can get the fact that Edward Cullen is now Edward Sullen (played by Matt Lanter) but changing from Jacob Black to Jacob White (played by Christopher N. Riggi)!!! Is this something to do with Jack Black and Jack White?

There is some minor good points to the plot – Remember the attempted gang-rape and biker scene from the earlier movies? Well, The Biker Scene is in there but Becka (Jenn Proske, and her character is based on Bella) didn’t ride with the middle-age biker this time. Also, She’s more whining than her counterpart (and I know that Bella might be a “evil” character) but Edward is a total douche and Jacob is… well, he not only transforms into a Werewolf but… well…

And the scene where Edward attempts to sacrifice his own life is now taken place in Sporks High School instead of Italy (because the school have a prom theme involving Vampires… classy) with Ken Jeong nearly ruined his career as the leader of the Zolturi, Daro. I’m get to the performances eventually and get to the end where Daro and an unnamed Evil Dakota Fanning expy winning the prom as king and queen (even though they’re not students but it’s a Seltzerberg movie after all) and Becka finally been sired by Edward.

Okay, Now I’ll get to the performances in this movie which is well… here and there. The only good performance is of course Ken Jeong since he’s okay but the other performances – I hate Diedrich Bader when he’s playing Becka’s dad since it makes Billy Burke look perfect for The Twilight Saga, Ike Barinoholtz as Bobby White is a bit annoying but not annoying like his characters in previous movies (surprisingly) and I’m shocked that Dave Foley appeared in a cameo role as the school’s principal but his cameo may not be humorous and is a little serious. Seriously, Am I really watching Vampires Suck?

The jokes are still flat but I hate to admit that there’s a very little funny parts in there (plus I already said something about Pop Culture References) and I do admit that Becka and Jennifer (Anneliese Van Der Pol, and her character is based on Jessica) went to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (but no mention on which part of the movie is it) is a cheap-but-little funny gag. I don’t know what’s going on but has Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg getting a little better?

The movie is obviously not recommended but who knows? Maybe their next movie would be better (and I doubt it) because they do at least see the two Twilight movies and they did manage to make… a alright… Twilight Parody. I don’t know how to tell you this but this is not their worst of the filmography. Sure, I do hate it when it has its better opening weekend than their competition (and my choice for last year’s favorite movie) Scott Pilgrim vs The World. But if they did learn their lesson then who knows? I’m not recommending it but it’s surprisingly not their worst so I’m finally free of those Seltzerberg-A-Thon craziness.

Now I do have my final say about how I feel about this movie but somebody beat me to it so I’ll give a review that’s worth 44 seconds of your life and trust me when I say this is my actual opinion about this movie…

Seltzerberg-A-Thon Day 4: Disaster Movie

May 1, 2011 § Leave a comment

UPDATE: The reason I’ve posted yesterday’s review a couple of days late is because the internet is stuffing up (and still does which took me one hour for that and this review to finally be posted) and I’m almost done with Vampires Suck review but the problem is when it will be posted… Maybe tomorrow but I’m manic about my Internet Usage and hope the review will be released tomorrow.

So Meet The Spartans may have been done and there’s no other Seltzer and Friedberg movie released in 2008 right? Fuck No. Why? Because they have manage to do the same thing that the Wachowskis and Quentin Tarantino did once before and that is release two directorial flicks within the 12 month period. The only problem is while The Matrix and Kill Bill are definitely connected, These “Seltzerberg” duo just connect two of their movies with Lame Pop Culture references and that’s it.

Aah, Let’s Get To Disaster Movie. This movie involves Will (Matt Lanter) who’s a total commitaphobe and is sad that he never met his father. He has woken up from a prophetic dream involving his previous life in 10,000 BC (with Amy Winehouse and Wolf involved and they’re played by Ike Barinholtz and Nicole Parker). Being a commitaphobe, He asks his girlfriend Amy (Vanessa Minnillo) to go to his “Super Duper Sweet 16” party even though he’s 25. I fucking hate this guy as protagonist already.

The Party has started and we get everybody from Anton Chigurh from No Country For Old Men (Ike Barinholtz, Again), Jessica Simpson (Nicole Parker, Again), The cast of High School Musical and Carmen Electra yet again who surprisingly got shot by Will’s friend Calvin (Gary Johnson). Also in the party is two other protagonists – Calvin’s girlfriend Lisa (Kim Kardashian) and Juney (Crista Flanagan).

A major apocalyptic disaster has broken out (and more weirder than Quantum Apocalypse which I’ll review soon) and it’s up to Will, Calvin, Lisa and Juney to survive the armageddon while running into everybody from the cast of Sex And The City and few superheroes (one of them played by Ike Barinholtz, Yet Again) whom got hit by a cow. Is that even a joke now? Superheroes getting hit by a cow.

A while later, Will tries to go to the museum where Amy works and the two join them. As for Kim Kadashian, She got killed by a meteorite for no reason (maybe she thinks starring in this movie is horrible idea but then again, her stepfather starred in Can’t Stop The Music). But Calvin has a new love and that is The Enchanted Princess (Nicole Parker, Yet Again) before Calvin squares off with Prince Edwin played by… That Stifler Guy from American Pie: Band Camp! Huh, So he did appear in a theatrically released movie.

But Calvin wins and The Enchanted Princess joins the three to go to the Museum. While they hide out for another disaster, Something unthinkable has shown up. It is possibly the only funniest thing to appear in a Seltzer-and-Friedberg movie in my opinion and this joke at least makes sense (except when Juner got killed which kinda ruined the fun) so I’ll show you a YouTube clip to make you avoid seeing Disaster Movie forever…

So The Rapid Chipmunks killed off Juner and the three are still nowhere near the museum so they encounter Batman (Ike Barinholtz, for the fourth time now) before they find a Mach-5 (with Michael Jackson, Chim-Chim and Spritle in the trunk) which finally gets them to the museum on time. Will reunites with Amy, Calvin and The Enchanted Princess tries to get out for evacuation and the movie is nearly over.

So how does the Apocalypse became averted? Well, Remember that prophetic dream that Will has in the beginning. Well, The dream involves The Crystal Skull (Gee? I wonder what movie they’re parodying) and it prevents the Apocalypse from happening. So by coincidence, The Crystal Skull is in the museum and not in place (It actually is within Amy’s thing inside where the baby comes out… Gross!). So Will and Amy try to get it in place but they have to stop a naked Beowulf (Ike… oh you get the point) which they did. And then, Will’s father had coincidentally shown up in the altar and he’s played by Tony Cox.

After Tony Cox failed to put the Crystal Skull in its place so Will do what his father does and the end of the world is averted. The wedding of Will and Amy happens much later which leads to another Musical Number. Aargh, Why bother watching this sequence? Well, The Rapid Chipmunks get killed off and Bloopers is shown. The Fucking End.

Wow, Both Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie is bad and since I already explained as much for the other movies. Here’s a new one – Disaster Movie fucking blows. And the movie title is nearly misleading since the disaster is partially shown and we get references and references of other movies. And seriously Crista Flanagan, Nicole Parker and Ike Barinholtz playing more than one character – This is not Disaster Movie. This is fucking MadTV: The Movie and the show itself is a little bit better than this.

But there’s something surprising about this. I did some checking and well, Disaster Movie are one of the two Seltzerberg movies to have a website still active. And I’m not gonna stop there, The website to this movie has games and a video of The Enchanted Princess (which is stupid) plus it linked to the movie’s own MySpace Page which is scary enough that it has its fans saying that this movie is funny. Either those fans are secretly Seltzerbergs and the cast or these fans exist and are 100% fucking stupid?

And I’m scared to see Vampires Suck more than I’m scared to see New Moon. I hope something will prevent that from happening and I don’t mean anything apocalyptic.

Where Am I?

You are currently viewing the archives for May, 2011 at The Ludovico Technique.