Seltzerberg-A-Thon Day 4: Disaster Movie

May 1, 2011 § Leave a comment

UPDATE: The reason I’ve posted yesterday’s review a couple of days late is because the internet is stuffing up (and still does which took me one hour for that and this review to finally be posted) and I’m almost done with Vampires Suck review but the problem is when it will be posted… Maybe tomorrow but I’m manic about my Internet Usage and hope the review will be released tomorrow.

So Meet The Spartans may have been done and there’s no other Seltzer and Friedberg movie released in 2008 right? Fuck No. Why? Because they have manage to do the same thing that the Wachowskis and Quentin Tarantino did once before and that is release two directorial flicks within the 12 month period. The only problem is while The Matrix and Kill Bill are definitely connected, These “Seltzerberg” duo just connect two of their movies with Lame Pop Culture references and that’s it.

Aah, Let’s Get To Disaster Movie. This movie involves Will (Matt Lanter) who’s a total commitaphobe and is sad that he never met his father. He has woken up from a prophetic dream involving his previous life in 10,000 BC (with Amy Winehouse and Wolf involved and they’re played by Ike Barinholtz and Nicole Parker). Being a commitaphobe, He asks his girlfriend Amy (Vanessa Minnillo) to go to his “Super Duper Sweet 16” party even though he’s 25. I fucking hate this guy as protagonist already.

The Party has started and we get everybody from Anton Chigurh from No Country For Old Men (Ike Barinholtz, Again), Jessica Simpson (Nicole Parker, Again), The cast of High School Musical and Carmen Electra yet again who surprisingly got shot by Will’s friend Calvin (Gary Johnson). Also in the party is two other protagonists – Calvin’s girlfriend Lisa (Kim Kardashian) and Juney (Crista Flanagan).

A major apocalyptic disaster has broken out (and more weirder than Quantum Apocalypse which I’ll review soon) and it’s up to Will, Calvin, Lisa and Juney to survive the armageddon while running into everybody from the cast of Sex And The City and few superheroes (one of them played by Ike Barinholtz, Yet Again) whom got hit by a cow. Is that even a joke now? Superheroes getting hit by a cow.

A while later, Will tries to go to the museum where Amy works and the two join them. As for Kim Kadashian, She got killed by a meteorite for no reason (maybe she thinks starring in this movie is horrible idea but then again, her stepfather starred in Can’t Stop The Music). But Calvin has a new love and that is The Enchanted Princess (Nicole Parker, Yet Again) before Calvin squares off with Prince Edwin played by… That Stifler Guy from American Pie: Band Camp! Huh, So he did appear in a theatrically released movie.

But Calvin wins and The Enchanted Princess joins the three to go to the Museum. While they hide out for another disaster, Something unthinkable has shown up. It is possibly the only funniest thing to appear in a Seltzer-and-Friedberg movie in my opinion and this joke at least makes sense (except when Juner got killed which kinda ruined the fun) so I’ll show you a YouTube clip to make you avoid seeing Disaster Movie forever…

So The Rapid Chipmunks killed off Juner and the three are still nowhere near the museum so they encounter Batman (Ike Barinholtz, for the fourth time now) before they find a Mach-5 (with Michael Jackson, Chim-Chim and Spritle in the trunk) which finally gets them to the museum on time. Will reunites with Amy, Calvin and The Enchanted Princess tries to get out for evacuation and the movie is nearly over.

So how does the Apocalypse became averted? Well, Remember that prophetic dream that Will has in the beginning. Well, The dream involves The Crystal Skull (Gee? I wonder what movie they’re parodying) and it prevents the Apocalypse from happening. So by coincidence, The Crystal Skull is in the museum and not in place (It actually is within Amy’s thing inside where the baby comes out… Gross!). So Will and Amy try to get it in place but they have to stop a naked Beowulf (Ike… oh you get the point) which they did. And then, Will’s father had coincidentally shown up in the altar and he’s played by Tony Cox.

After Tony Cox failed to put the Crystal Skull in its place so Will do what his father does and the end of the world is averted. The wedding of Will and Amy happens much later which leads to another Musical Number. Aargh, Why bother watching this sequence? Well, The Rapid Chipmunks get killed off and Bloopers is shown. The Fucking End.

Wow, Both Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie is bad and since I already explained as much for the other movies. Here’s a new one – Disaster Movie fucking blows. And the movie title is nearly misleading since the disaster is partially shown and we get references and references of other movies. And seriously Crista Flanagan, Nicole Parker and Ike Barinholtz playing more than one character – This is not Disaster Movie. This is fucking MadTV: The Movie and the show itself is a little bit better than this.

But there’s something surprising about this. I did some checking and well, Disaster Movie are one of the two Seltzerberg movies to have a website still active. And I’m not gonna stop there, The website to this movie has games and a video of The Enchanted Princess (which is stupid) plus it linked to the movie’s own MySpace Page which is scary enough that it has its fans saying that this movie is funny. Either those fans are secretly Seltzerbergs and the cast or these fans exist and are 100% fucking stupid?

And I’m scared to see Vampires Suck more than I’m scared to see New Moon. I hope something will prevent that from happening and I don’t mean anything apocalyptic.


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