Seltzerberg-A-Thon Day 5: Vampires Suck

May 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

I don’t know what to do anymore. You know what? Let me just see what I have done from backwards. I reviewed a “disaster” movie, a “cheap ripoff” of Frank Miller’s 300, Narnia with a G, a usual Romance movie with pop-culture references and two Twilight Movies. And it all comes in full circle, I’m reviewing a spoof of two Twilight Movies. What’s Next? Halloween Hostel Horror because I don’t speak German and there’s no subtitles that I can find.

And speaking of German, I could safely say that I’ve seen several Uwe Boll movies and I was supposed to review one of his disastrous works. But fuck that, Uwe Boll has something that The Seltzerbergs will never have – A plot, better actors like Jason “Handsome Rob” Statham and even comedy that is at least laughable if you think about it.

And now Vampires Suck, At least it is a suitable title like Meet The Spartans. Now, While the movie follows the plots to both Twilight and New Moon (Obviously), There is something I haven’t seen since Date Movie and that it is has less pop culture references than the three previous movies. Heck, The movie surprisingly has less to do with references and more to do with the plot. First of all, There are constant name changes and when you’re think Edward and Jacob are the only characters to not have name changes but their last name does have changes as well. I can get the fact that Edward Cullen is now Edward Sullen (played by Matt Lanter) but changing from Jacob Black to Jacob White (played by Christopher N. Riggi)!!! Is this something to do with Jack Black and Jack White?

There is some minor good points to the plot – Remember the attempted gang-rape and biker scene from the earlier movies? Well, The Biker Scene is in there but Becka (Jenn Proske, and her character is based on Bella) didn’t ride with the middle-age biker this time. Also, She’s more whining than her counterpart (and I know that Bella might be a “evil” character) but Edward is a total douche and Jacob is… well, he not only transforms into a Werewolf but… well…

And the scene where Edward attempts to sacrifice his own life is now taken place in Sporks High School instead of Italy (because the school have a prom theme involving Vampires… classy) with Ken Jeong nearly ruined his career as the leader of the Zolturi, Daro. I’m get to the performances eventually and get to the end where Daro and an unnamed Evil Dakota Fanning expy winning the prom as king and queen (even though they’re not students but it’s a Seltzerberg movie after all) and Becka finally been sired by Edward.

Okay, Now I’ll get to the performances in this movie which is well… here and there. The only good performance is of course Ken Jeong since he’s okay but the other performances – I hate Diedrich Bader when he’s playing Becka’s dad since it makes Billy Burke look perfect for The Twilight Saga, Ike Barinoholtz as Bobby White is a bit annoying but not annoying like his characters in previous movies (surprisingly) and I’m shocked that Dave Foley appeared in a cameo role as the school’s principal but his cameo may not be humorous and is a little serious. Seriously, Am I really watching Vampires Suck?

The jokes are still flat but I hate to admit that there’s a very little funny parts in there (plus I already said something about Pop Culture References) and I do admit that Becka and Jennifer (Anneliese Van Der Pol, and her character is based on Jessica) went to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (but no mention on which part of the movie is it) is a cheap-but-little funny gag. I don’t know what’s going on but has Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg getting a little better?

The movie is obviously not recommended but who knows? Maybe their next movie would be better (and I doubt it) because they do at least see the two Twilight movies and they did manage to make… a alright… Twilight Parody. I don’t know how to tell you this but this is not their worst of the filmography. Sure, I do hate it when it has its better opening weekend than their competition (and my choice for last year’s favorite movie) Scott Pilgrim vs The World. But if they did learn their lesson then who knows? I’m not recommending it but it’s surprisingly not their worst so I’m finally free of those Seltzerberg-A-Thon craziness.

Now I do have my final say about how I feel about this movie but somebody beat me to it so I’ll give a review that’s worth 44 seconds of your life and trust me when I say this is my actual opinion about this movie…


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