Asylum Seeker: 2013 – Rise Of The Zombies

January 30, 2013 § Leave a comment

As the month has come to an end, I’m so stoked about this because I’m reviewing a sequel to 2012: Zombie Apocalypse. What? George Romero has made five movies after Night of the Living Dead and despite having zombies, each of these films has different variety of human characters. So it’s easy that Nick Lyon decides to go to that route and become The Asylum’s answer to the director. Also, it may be actually called Rise of the Zombies but it also carries an alternate title as seen below so there you go.

2013

Going straight to the movie and it primary focuses on survivors living in Alcatraz Prison. However, their chance of survival is interrupted as we see the dead appearing from the oceans so I had to wonder how they managed to swim all the way from San Francisco. Following a little shootout, Dr. Lynn Snyder (Mariel Hemingway) and other survivors decide to go back to the city to both survive and get a little vaccine created by Dr. Arnold (French Stewart) but Dr. Dan Halpern (LaVar Burton) stays behind to find a cure himself with his lover Julie (Kerisse Hutchingson) being one of the deceased.

Dr Arnold

The survivors traveled to the city and after a little zombie attack in the sea, the group splits into two. With Lynn, she is joined by Marshall (Ethan Suplee), Ashley (Heather Hemmens) and Jud (Peter Ngo). The other group includes Caspian (Danny Trejo), Kyle (Chad Lindberg) and two other survivors. On to Caspian’s group and they went to somebody’s home and gather supplies but a zombie appears and kills the three which leaves Kyle as the only survivor. As for Lynn’s group, that’s where the craziest shit is about to happen.

Zombie Machete

While they’re in Golden Gate Bridge, they noticed zombies climbing to the bridge from the sea and they battled it out. After a battle which has Jud die on a car explosion, they discovered two survivors – a dog and Pauline (Kim Little) who’s hiding in the hospital van and is also pregnant. She got out of the van and a zombie hiding under it bite her so she died. As for the baby, Lynn quickly performs the c-section to get the baby out and then, the baby quickly became the zombie which leads to Ashley stepping on it in the ground.

Gangnam Style

Back to the prison and Dan tries to find ways so he decides to cut a part of his skin out and give it to Julie. Instead, Julie got a hold of him and Dan drops the grenade killing them both in the process. After seeing the explosion from the distance, Lynn and the others try to find to see if Arnold survived there but zombies shown up again and shooting spree happens before Kyle arrives by the gun and rescues them. They catching their breath in a street before Ashley can’t take anymore and decides to kill herself by… the trolley car going off by itself and exploded twice! By the way, Ashley is also two-months pregnant so yeah, that is really awkward.

Suicide

They went to gather weapons in the police station and went to see if Arnold survived. He did survive and that’s before zombies show up yet again and really, how do they keep finding the humans? Marshall got infected and the only to have him saved is Arnold using the axe and cut his arm off (which I must say is bad-ass of French Stewart of all people), Marshall lived and they got vaccinated so they escape towards the helicopter and the movie ends with them getting out of San Francisco.

Zombie-Man

This movie is frickin’ nuts and I enjoyed the fun of it. The dialogue is cliché and hilarious, the story is the same even though it also goes into places and the casting of well-known actors is both odd and awesome at the same time. Really? You got Mariel Hemingway, LaVar Burton, Danny Trejo, French Stewart and Ethan Suplee. So if Nick decides to make an third zombie flick, here’s hoping for another My Name Is Earl cast member like Jason Lee or Jaime Presley will be in it.

Countdown

January 24, 2013 § Leave a comment

I never thought I’ll be doing this. So okay, I’m reviewing a porno movie and possibly the only one to do with the 2012 apocalypse hoax. To be honest, I don’t know what I get into to when it comes to this. And also, there’s already several movies with Countdown as its sole title and honestly, it’s not really a good title for an apocalyptic flick but it could have been worst. It would have been titled This Ain’t 2012 XXX instead.

Censored

Yeah, that is such a funny way to censor the image. So anyway, the movie is directed by Brad Armstrong and not only he’s one of the well-known icons in the industry (he’s been called “The Spielberg of Skin Directors” in various places) but he was once married to Jenna Jameson. Damn, I may not be familiar with Brad Armstrong but I do heard about Jenna Jameson ever since she went on to mainstream stuff. His work in directing includes Euphoria, Manhunters and many more including this parody below.

Men In Black

Off to the movie, Dr. Annie Stevens (Jessica Drake) and discovers that Earth is about to be destroyed by an asteroid known as Vesta within a week and alerts the military about this. So after news got out worldwide, everybody is spending their last days by nothing but talking and sex. There’s not beyond that so expect nobody to save the day and stuff. In fairness, there are subplots that involved side characters who has no connection with Annie Stevens at all.

1

One of which involves a group of four (Alextra Blue, Derrick Pierce, Kaylani Lei and Xander Corvus) who is traveling to Los Angeles but after the news broke, they became stuck in a dead-end town so what they do there is basically . Within the town, there are two restaurant works Robby (Seth Gamble) and Tonya (Lezley Zen) who spent the remaining time together by having Robby losing his virginity.

Surf's Up

And lastly, the third subplot involves around Jake (Brad Armstrong) who went to the bar to see his old friend and bartender Mac (Frank Bukkwyd). Jake himself is trying to stay sober but with doomsday looming, he gave up and tries his magic trick to Andy (India Summer) before they fuck. As for Mac, he alone visits the gravestone of his deceased wife Maggie and talks about his past before he dies there.

Reaction

It’s December 21st and the end is here. While Annie is spending her last moments with scientist Doug(Rocco Reed) who recently left his wife and children, the others did the same. There’s no place to hide and even in an underground base with an unnamed president (Tyler Knight) waiting for the collision course. The rock hits and the movie abruptly ends like the final episode of The Sopranos.

President

I would say that this movie is somewhat interesting and surprising to say the least. It’s basically the adults-only equivalent to Melancholia, we see scenes of human interaction (with sex scenes) before it ends in a depressive note which I could give credit to that. The acting ranges from okay to great and I say the same for the story. All I got to say now is I need to watch something fun before I feel more down… something that involves the walking dead so until next time.

Defcon 2012

January 13, 2013 § Leave a comment

So seeing as I’m done with a late Christmas review, I’m now looking onto a movie that also has to do with the craze even though it doesn’t much take place at that exact timeframe. Other than the fact the movie is called Defcon 2012, it does have an alternate title being 2012: Armageddon which I’m surprised seeing as the likeness of the title makes me think it’s by The Asylum but it’s actually not. Granted, it is only an alternate title anyway and the reason for that is because it’s part of the box set that includes few 2012 movies made by the company.

2012 Armageddon

Before I get to the movie, I did a research on this and I had to congratulate star/writer Brian Shotwell for the way he was plugging the movie. Not only he’s the only person to give a positive review on IMDB but he also made comments saying stuff like the fact that this movie was once ranked #225 on IMDB back in March 2012 and so on. Now, I have to give my thoughts on the movie and who knows if I might get a comment from him or not.

IMDB

The movie begins in September 2012 at the headquarters of Central Extraterrestrial Agency as we see a nameless agent walking to the building which a document that contains a movie that was made by a filmmaker whom disappeared along with the cast and crew and caused a media frenzy. With that, the agent decides to watch it and see what is in there and what is that movie about exactly? Well, it’s a story that takes place two hundred years after an alien invasion that began on December 21st, 2012.

Cancer Man

Going within that movie’s storyline and it focuses on intergalactic thieves Kaynin (Brian Shotwell), Rune (Albertossy Espinoza) and Archer (Justin Brusca) who arrived on Earth to look for treasure but after Archer got murdered, the two decides to find the murderer. Then then encountered Tak (Xu Razer) and Axton (Thema Johannsen) who are both telepaths that’s been on Earth for a while so they team-up and continue finding the killer which includes endless minutes of them just wandering around with guns.

Archer 1

Shortly after that, they meet up with E-San (Shy Pilgreen) who is one of the residents living in Shelter City that’s located underground and explains that Majestic-12 is a project that transformed few humans into alien-like beings and set off an alien invasion a couple of centuries earlier. She then walked away alone and the group continues wandering around. Nothing much happens except that Axton disappeared in front of the three before she’s found again. The group then discovers Archer alive and in ally with the antagonist known simply as Vulkl before the villain himself appears and kills Archer again.

Archer 2

Archer is again resurrected but for a short time before getting his neck snapped by Kaynin. Along with E-San, the four found a portal that sends them to Zero Point Station and defeat Vulkl once and for all. They succeeded and escaped back to Earth where they all reside in Shelter City preparing for war against their enemies. The movie then ends with a revelation that the mysterious agent himself will be Vulkl and after watching the movie where his future self got killed, he decide to go ahead with the alien invasion plan and follow the path to getting himself killed 200 years from now.

WOTW
This movie is not much for me and I shall get to a few problems first. One is the title which is not that frightening at all since I’ve googled Defcon system and find that Defcon One is the level that is enough to make us panic and not Defcon 2012 at all (I don’t mind the alternate title though). Another is Kaynin’s narration since at times, he goes on about stuff like Archer’s death and Earth is a wasteland. I don’t mind the character at all but the narration irritates me to the core that it reminds me of the stupid stuff Superboy Prime says in comics.

Kaynin

The last problem is the movie-within-the-movie itself and it raises questions like – Where did the filmmaker go? How did this get filmed? Is he some sort-of a time traveler? Is the movie for real or a hoax? and many others. Problems aside, it’s just a usual micro-budget sci-fi movie. I don’t mind the acting (besides Kaynin’s narration), don’t mind the storytelling (minus the questions I just brought up) and I don’t mind the fact that the movie is mainly filmed in an abandoned shopping mall in Palm Springs, California. All in all, the movie is not for me but it just exists anyway.

The 12 Disasters Of Christmas

January 6, 2013 § Leave a comment

Yeah, It’s that time again. A month where I take a look at movies that cashes in the “2012 Mayan Apocalypse” craze even though that thing is now considered dated and a total hoax. What? No John Cusack surviving the yellowstone volcano eruption, nothing on the US military fighting against the glacier and no news about Nibiru appearing in the sky which has Kirsten Dunst lying in the river all naked and depressed. Yeah, The End is not near.

One Percent Cat

And what’s surprising is that I’m reviewing the only movie that mixes this stupid hoax with Christmas. Okay, let’s get on to this movie’s director Steven R. Monroe and already, I’m astounded by his filmography. Not only he has brought us House of 9 and the much-criticized remake of I Spit On Your Grave but he has few movies that are suitable for SyFy like Mongolian Death Worm and Ice Twisters. Really, it’s a erratic resume and it’s kinda like if you assigned a director to do a children’s talking dog movie shortly after he’s done with a movie about Charles Manson.

Puppy

Taking place in Calvary, the story follows Jacey (Magda Apanowicz) as she is celebrating her birthday by doing rock climbing with her father Joseph (Ed Quinn). However, her celebration has been cut short as her grandmother Miriam (Christine Willes) gave her the ring after noticing the tap water is splitting blood and the newspaper headlines that birds fall to their deaths. And then ice spears are falling in the sky which has their dog Sheeba running away from home while Miriam got killed by one of the spears.

Grandma
Joseph goes to the main town and talks to Sheriff Whatshisname (Greg Kean) about Miriam’s death but are interrupted by more ice spears. Quickly noticed by bookstore owner Grant (Donnelly Rhodes), he discovers the end is at hand and rushes to Joseph’s family home to find Jacey but instead, she is traveling by car with her best friend Elizabeth (Brenna O’Brien). Stopping at the christmas tree lot, she sensed something mysterious before the twister appears and has the car crushing Elizabeth to her death.

Santa Claus

So Joseph finds Jacey alone and saddened that she witnessed two deaths on her birthday and goes to Grant’s bookstore. There, Grant mentioned that it’s December 21st and doomsday is here but there is a way to stop this. You See, Jacey is “the chosen one” and they need to find four more golden rings to stop it so they traveled around for that. They eventually found one but the freezing wave occurs and they must speed away before it eventually kills Grant and few other people along the way.

Warrior

One of the few people is Aaron (Kaj-Erik Eriksen) and his death is witnessed by his brother Kane (Roark Critchlow). He also witnessed Jacey using the two rings to stop the freezing wave so he thinks she’s the whore of babylon instead of the chosen one because Joseph shows him the book which has a picture of a woman burning in the fire. A little fight happens which leads Kane pushing Sheriff Redshirt to the ground and killed him in front of the survivors of the town. And what does those survivors do? Nothing. They just go along with Kane preaching them and say Jacey is evil and must be stopped.

Kane1

Joseph and Jacey quickly escapes along with her mother Mary (Holly Elissa) and brother Peter (Ryan Grantham) and noticed a car driven by the town’s mayor Jude (Andrew Airlie) so they are off to their cabin. While Joseph and Jacey decide to find three more rings, Jude then noticed the walkie-talkie and tied the other two up. Kane catches up to them after they got the third ring in the cave and decides to take Jacey and the ring while leaving Joseph trapped with the volcanic mist. However, Kane is tricked when he discovers the third ring that Joseph gave is actually his wedding ring.

Expression

Shortly after Joseph escapes the mist, he meets up with Kane and Jacey. Long story short, Kane got hit by equipment planned by Joseph and the two run off to the christmas tree lot to retrieve the fourth ring. As for Mary and Peter, they manage to escape while Jude got electrified and blown to pieces. After getting the fourth ring, Jacey founds out the last ring is located at the mountain they went earlier so they go back but Kane is still a dick and kept following them. He did manage to die by mini volcanic eruptions and Jacey has got five golden rings so she stopped the apocalypse.

Parallex

Earth is saved, the family is reunited and Sheeba arrives back home thus ending the movie. I have to say that this is a good way to start the month since I pretty much enjoy this movie. The acting is good (especially Ed Quinn), the story is well-done and it’s worth checking out. Before I finished the review, I do see the obvious biblical references with names like Jacey (as in J.C.), Mary, Joseph, Peter and others. Sadly enough, The Sheriff doesn’t even have the name so I dunno, he might be a reincarnation of Brian Cohen for all we know.

Best and Worst of 2011 & 2012

January 1, 2013 § Leave a comment

Well, As you can see. I’m still alive after the apocalypse hoax and while I didn’t review anything christmas related, I will make up for it later this week. In the meantime, I’m making my best and worst choices for 2012 along with the same for 2011 since I don’t honestly know why I forget to write the article for that but let’s just get this thing started.

Best Movie Of 2012: Looper – I’ve been a fan of Rian Johnson’s work for a while and this one is such a sleeper hit that it has woken up the mainstream audience. This is honestly one of the best time travel movies I’ve seen in a while (and I did see Hot Tub Time Machine and FAQ About Time Travel) because really, Joseph Gordon-Levitt fighting his future self that’s played by Bruce Willis? Fucking Sold.

Best Movie Of 2011: Red State – I already much in detail on that review and I choose this over Melancholia because it really is the most unexpected movie that Kevin Smith has ever directed. I’ve been a fan of him since the late nineties and this is one of his best since Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back (the others after that are range from good to okay but that’s about it).

Worst Movie 2012: That’s My Boy – You know what? I talk too much about that in review so blah blah blah – Incest is evil and so is pedophilia – blah blah blah – still feel sorry for a couple of veteran actors – blah blah blah – let’s just move on from this because I really hate this movie.

Worst Movie 2011: Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star – Now I’m getting somewhere. To Me, This is what Boogie Nights looked like if it’s directed by a total jackass that thinks Channing Tatum should be a five-time oscar winner. I’m never a fan of Nick Swardson and this is not a good breakthrough for him (but at least he did have another in 30 Minutes or Less). This movie is not worth checking out for him and other actors like Christina Ricci and Pauly Shore since they did nothing much here.

Best Television Show 2011: Shameless (US) – I’m haven’t seen the british version and don’t know what to make of it in this time but the americanized version is hilarious with William H. Macy being sold to the role. Besides him, Emmy Rossum and Justin Chatwin have surprising good performances here and better the movies they starred in. It’s a good watch so check it out.

Best Television Show 2012: Red Dwarf X – While I did enjoy Back To Earth, I can’t lie when it’s not the comeback we have hoped for. But with this series, it is worth the watch when it comes to the crew dealing with the new computer, two vending machines and… Eh, Jesus Christ! Well, that’s something. Plus the final episode called The Beginning kinda makes the whole series come in full circle since the first episode is of course, The End so if this is the last series ever, they did manage to go out with a bang.

Worst Television Show 2011: Ben Elton’s Live From Planet Earth – This show is beneath Ben Elton and I don’t know why he defended it for three weeks before cancellation. Knowing his work on Blackadder, him doing a live variety show would have been something but instead, it’s bad and is enough that a sketch involving female singers living together killed it amongst few others I don’t want to mention. Will Ben get back to his game or is the time already passed? We’ll never know.

Worst Television Show 2012: Rob! – I do know that Rob Schneider did have sitcom works before but this show about him married to a girl half his age and filled with jokes that’s racially insensitive is a cancellation in the making. I don’t know why Cheech Marin would say yes to this but he’s the only thing to make me watched this sadly enough.

Worst Song 2011: LMFAO – Sexy And I Know It – This song made me feel ill that I don’t know why it hits the top of the charts. I hate this song to death and I wish not to hear it again. When I first heard it, I became shocked by this that I thought Dirty Bits by Black Eyed Peas was the tip of that iceberg but no, this song is bad enough that Ron Jeremy and David Hasselhoff wants a piece of it. Uhh, let’s just move on.

Worst Song 2012: John Travolta & Olivia-Newton John – I Think You Might Like It – Some say that this song ruined Christmas but to me, it made me feel sad for them. No, I don’t think I like it and the song is already been criticized enough so the only thing I can say about this is the video is “Birdemic of Music Videos” to my eyes since the quality says it there.

Best Album 2011: Foo Fighters – Wasting Light – I thank Dave Grohl for making this album because being a Foo Fighters fan for a long time, this one is never disappointing. Walk, Rope and I Should Have Known are awesome along with the rest and I do have a good deal for getting a good copy of the album for three bucks. If you like Foo Fighters and don’t have this album, do get it and listened to it all day. And just to note, I do put Walk as my favorite song of this year.

Best Album 2012: Muse – The 2nd Law – Not gonna lie but I was actually mixed before this album came out when it comes to Dubstep and Survival. After hearing it, it’s good but there is little flawed moments (I already mentioned Survival, didn’t I?). Also, I do have other choices besides Muse like The Smashing Pumpkins’ Oceania and Bruno Mars’ Unorthodox Jukebox so at least I’m not going Muse fanboy on this (at least I hope). Also, Follow Me is my favorite song of this year.

Worst Album 2011: Metallica & Lou Reed – Lulu – As an album by Lou Reed, it would something that I can that’s a little positive since he did do Metal Machine Music. But as an album by Metallica, I haven’t been a fan of them for a while (about before Napster and St. Anger) but they did have some good moments. This is not one of them and the collaboration would have been good on paper but not good in our ears.

Worst Album 2012: The Insane Clown Posse – Smothered, Covered and Chunked -If you read my review of Death Racers, you can tell that I’m not fond of ICP so I’m not really a fan of them. And I hope the fans themselves won’t take it the wrong way when I say that this is possibly the worst cover album I heard in my lifetime. I can take them covering NWA, House of Pain and Public Enemy since the posse were themselves hip-hop but when it comes to them covering Shout or State of Shock, it made me facepalmed. Strangely enough, it makes Duran Duran’s Thank You seem better by comparison so I never thought of saying something like that.

So there’s my list and if you agree or disagree, do give your opinion about it. Other than that, I have to finish that late Christmas review.

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