The 12 Disasters Of Christmas

January 6, 2013 § Leave a comment

Yeah, It’s that time again. A month where I take a look at movies that cashes in the “2012 Mayan Apocalypse” craze even though that thing is now considered dated and a total hoax. What? No John Cusack surviving the yellowstone volcano eruption, nothing on the US military fighting against the glacier and no news about Nibiru appearing in the sky which has Kirsten Dunst lying in the river all naked and depressed. Yeah, The End is not near.

One Percent Cat

And what’s surprising is that I’m reviewing the only movie that mixes this stupid hoax with Christmas. Okay, let’s get on to this movie’s director Steven R. Monroe and already, I’m astounded by his filmography. Not only he has brought us House of 9 and the much-criticized remake of I Spit On Your Grave but he has few movies that are suitable for SyFy like Mongolian Death Worm and Ice Twisters. Really, it’s a erratic resume and it’s kinda like if you assigned a director to do a children’s talking dog movie shortly after he’s done with a movie about Charles Manson.

Puppy

Taking place in Calvary, the story follows Jacey (Magda Apanowicz) as she is celebrating her birthday by doing rock climbing with her father Joseph (Ed Quinn). However, her celebration has been cut short as her grandmother Miriam (Christine Willes) gave her the ring after noticing the tap water is splitting blood and the newspaper headlines that birds fall to their deaths. And then ice spears are falling in the sky which has their dog Sheeba running away from home while Miriam got killed by one of the spears.

Grandma
Joseph goes to the main town and talks to Sheriff Whatshisname (Greg Kean) about Miriam’s death but are interrupted by more ice spears. Quickly noticed by bookstore owner Grant (Donnelly Rhodes), he discovers the end is at hand and rushes to Joseph’s family home to find Jacey but instead, she is traveling by car with her best friend Elizabeth (Brenna O’Brien). Stopping at the christmas tree lot, she sensed something mysterious before the twister appears and has the car crushing Elizabeth to her death.

Santa Claus

So Joseph finds Jacey alone and saddened that she witnessed two deaths on her birthday and goes to Grant’s bookstore. There, Grant mentioned that it’s December 21st and doomsday is here but there is a way to stop this. You See, Jacey is “the chosen one” and they need to find four more golden rings to stop it so they traveled around for that. They eventually found one but the freezing wave occurs and they must speed away before it eventually kills Grant and few other people along the way.

Warrior

One of the few people is Aaron (Kaj-Erik Eriksen) and his death is witnessed by his brother Kane (Roark Critchlow). He also witnessed Jacey using the two rings to stop the freezing wave so he thinks she’s the whore of babylon instead of the chosen one because Joseph shows him the book which has a picture of a woman burning in the fire. A little fight happens which leads Kane pushing Sheriff Redshirt to the ground and killed him in front of the survivors of the town. And what does those survivors do? Nothing. They just go along with Kane preaching them and say Jacey is evil and must be stopped.

Kane1

Joseph and Jacey quickly escapes along with her mother Mary (Holly Elissa) and brother Peter (Ryan Grantham) and noticed a car driven by the town’s mayor Jude (Andrew Airlie) so they are off to their cabin. While Joseph and Jacey decide to find three more rings, Jude then noticed the walkie-talkie and tied the other two up. Kane catches up to them after they got the third ring in the cave and decides to take Jacey and the ring while leaving Joseph trapped with the volcanic mist. However, Kane is tricked when he discovers the third ring that Joseph gave is actually his wedding ring.

Expression

Shortly after Joseph escapes the mist, he meets up with Kane and Jacey. Long story short, Kane got hit by equipment planned by Joseph and the two run off to the christmas tree lot to retrieve the fourth ring. As for Mary and Peter, they manage to escape while Jude got electrified and blown to pieces. After getting the fourth ring, Jacey founds out the last ring is located at the mountain they went earlier so they go back but Kane is still a dick and kept following them. He did manage to die by mini volcanic eruptions and Jacey has got five golden rings so she stopped the apocalypse.

Parallex

Earth is saved, the family is reunited and Sheeba arrives back home thus ending the movie. I have to say that this is a good way to start the month since I pretty much enjoy this movie. The acting is good (especially Ed Quinn), the story is well-done and it’s worth checking out. Before I finished the review, I do see the obvious biblical references with names like Jacey (as in J.C.), Mary, Joseph, Peter and others. Sadly enough, The Sheriff doesn’t even have the name so I dunno, he might be a reincarnation of Brian Cohen for all we know.

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