Seltzerberg-A-Thon Mark II: The Starving Games (Part 1)
December 5, 2013 § Leave a comment
Well we meet again, Seltzer and Friedberg. It’s been close to two years since I reviewed your last movie and I do have to wonder – how are you still making movies? Okay, I’ll stop with the “me talking to two people I haven’t met” schtick but the question however remains. And this is me coming off honestly but I actually wanna interview them and not in the “Zach Galifianakis bitch slapped Justin Bieber” kind of way. Just an interview involving their career, hobbies, goals and why are they reclusive and hated by critics and audiences alike because really, the only proof of their existence is an audio commentary and DVD special features.
It may not happen anyway so there’s not point to it but what would happen is that I’m gonna give this an two-part review because for an 82 minute movie, it is long to talk about. But first, I found something interesting so allow me to introduce Rick Friedberg. Now unlike the douchebag duo, Rick has an less-negativity when it comes to directing. Besides Spy Hard, he also directed two Bad Golf videos starring the late, great Leslie Nielsen and few other stuff that’s not really anger-filled to me. He may be a passable director but he is also to blame for giving his son Jason and Jason’s buddy Aaron a career that should never be.
Okay, on to the movie and it begins with Kantmiss (Maiara Walsh) who is hunting for food in the forest but as she is about to shoot one with one of her arrows, Dale (Brant Daugherty) jump scares her enough that she hits Oz, the great and powerful (and also the first pop culture joke reference in the movie). After hearing the announcements, the two walk back to their village while she mentioned that the contestants can get out of the game by injuring and maimed themselves. Dale mentioned it’s an urban legend but then it cuts to people to do exactly that. Kantmiss then meets up with her sister Petunia (Kennedy Hermansen) and their mother. By the way, there’s something about Kantmiss and Petunia’s mother that is somewhat puzzled. Just look at her below.
Over at the reaping, a PSA involving President Snowball (Diedrich Bader) plays and it really is useless to watch. It goes from the part about Mel Gibson being his only Facebook friend to him seeing The Running Man and Battle Royale that inspired him to set up The Starving Games. Effoff (Lauren Bowles) then appears to check the lottery and if you seen the trailer, you know she said “Hugh Janus” but she also uses other names for comedy effect. As usual, Petunia got selected and Kantmiss cheers but then Petunia does the “puppy dog eyes” trick that makes her volunteer. Peter (Cody Christian) then volunteers himself because well, you read the novel or see the movie so the reason is obvious.
We then cut to Snowball talking to Seleca (Dean J. West) about the game while he kills a mexican gardener stereotype at the same time and that’s just it. Now on to the show as hosted by Stanley Caesarman (Chris Marroy and yes, they decide to go with Stanley Tucci’s first name so that’s pretty lame) and let’s see – Peter faking his love announcement to Marco (Ross Wyngaarden) instead of Kantmiss, she meets Cinnamon (Juhahn Jones) who only appears in one scene and yeah, her dress has lit on fire.
And guess what? After the show, we suddenly cut to the actual game itself and on the 20 minute mark of the movie no less. Oh yeah, fuck all that character development shit and forget about Haymitch Abernathy because he’s not parodied here. Instead, he got replaced by two television announcers – Bob Hylox (Michael Hartson) and Cleaver Williams (Theodore Crane) and oh, let me tell you about Cleaver because he’s a one-time Starving Games champion who delivers a death stare to all the viewers. So overall, this movie is only about the game. Whoo, about time… Okay, I was sarcastic so moving on.
And as the game is about to begin, LMFAO appeared so the directors do know that this idiotic pop group broke up last year, right? Oh well, they died anyway and the contestants decides to get weapons – all while Peter runs away screaming. Kantmiss is about to get her backpack but some girl wants it enough that she got stabbed with two daggers and having a bottom half of her body cut off. I don’t know if I call this an rip-off to that “Just A Flesh Wound” gag from Monty Python And The Holy Grail but seeing as she’s a bit alive, I’m gonna go with that.
Kantmiss escaped from the contestants (and a camera crew maybe because it might possibly be a parody of the shakey cam technique but I’m not entirely sure anymore) but as Seleca watches and controls the game, he decides to put an order on releasing weapons that targeted specifically on her so first, we have falling burning rocks but her backpack has a fire extinguisher so that plan is pointless. And then comes an Angry Birds being parodied but she can easily kill them so that failed. And lastly, An Annoying Orange appeared telling dumb jokes which leads to him being stepped by Kantmiss. Nice order, Seleca.
Okay, I gonna cut it there but stay tuned as I get to stuff like how Kantmiss became an Na’vi, what’s the deal with The Expendables and The Avengers and ending that’ll easily piss the fanbase of The Hunger Games off (and makes “How The Hunger Games Should Have Ended” video look epic by comparison). And really, I actually cover under a half hour worth of content here. Again, I reviewed the first half hour of the movie so how I survive this is beyond me.