Seltzerberg-A-Thon Mark II: The Epilogue

November 30, 2014 § Leave a comment

So months before I reviewed Best Night Ever, I have discovered that Seltzer and Friedberg is gonna released another spoof movie Superfast! and around the same time, I have gathered a bit of further information that might surprise you. One of which is a trailer for this movie. Now you might think to yourself “there’s a trailer to another Seltzerberg movie? how come I didn’t hear about this and why do I even care anyway?” and yes, there’s a trailer for Superfast! which leaked to DailyMotion back in April of this year and did any entertainment news sites mention it? To my knowledge, No and I’ve checked. So whether you like it or not, I’m gonna present to you the trailer for the movie and it’s not a rickroll prank but if you watched it, you wish it is.

Well, I’m sorry if you have to see two minutes of it and I truly do. But since this is the first time I’m gonna review a trailer rather than the movie, all I have to say is… Really? Those are the jokes for the trailer? I think the part about the best moments seen only in the trailer doesn’t apply here. Even the trailers to their previous movies have at least a bit of something but this… you know what? Even if I didn’t write further points to this article, I am not gonna watch and review the movie and I do mean it because it’s beyond dumb. I don’t see this as weak sauce, I see this as weak sauce but with expiry date being passed way before it is released in stores.

Superfast Poster
But anyway, let’s move on from the movie for now and get to the first information I have gathered for this article. Now do you remember back in my Starving Games review that I want to interview them? Yeah, scratch that because somebody did that for me (and by phone no less). This interview piece that I’ve linked at is really something to be read since it really is informative and explains why they are so reclusive enough to keep making the worst movies in this generation. It also brought up their origins, their history and movies they never do like a Liberace biopic before Steven Soderbergh took the reign. Heck, they are even involved in one Van Damme movie back in the nineties. Did anybody know that?

Maximum Risk
Really, I have nothing much explain but do click the bold link above and read the interview for yourself. Now I would say that this brings me a newfound respect for the guys I hate but it hardly is that so let’s go back to the Superfast! thing and present you a different article… wait, actually let me present you to the following quote to the article and well, just read it.

“Jason and Aaron will drive audiences crazy with this latest parody. It’s a franchise that’s crying out for some high octane comedy collisions and these are the guys to get a speeding ticket doing it,” said K5 International co-founders Oliver Simon and Daniel Baur.

“These guys have no reverse gear. They probably don’t have first or second either. This is going to be one ridiculously funny ride,” added K5 exec Carl Clifton. [Source]

You know what? As much as I reveal to you one article that explains why they make movies, I brought up another article that explains why are they still hired to make those movies. Seriously, with the fucking puns? Either K5 International are dumb enough to not know that Seltzer and Friedberg are notoriously disliked or they are just dumb enough on itself. What I quoted there is not from an article by The Onion, I’ve fully checked and you could do the same itself but other than that, what in the fuck? Are they trying to find ways to have their company go bankrupt more faster than Franchise Pictures did.

Jake Novell
And that’s all the articles I did give you because it now made me thought of something that it made me pissed. Now the previous article was made this year and the trailer leaked around the time but both of those were done shortly after the tragic accident that claimed the life of Paul Walker (and his friend Roger Rodas) back in November 2013. Now I don’t know when this spoof movie ended its production and post-production stages, but all I want to know is – why is Superfast! still made even possibly around the time of Paul’s death? Why did it never get cancelled or be delayed before restarting as a different movie? It worked when The Biggest Movie of All Time 3D became The Starving Games so why did this new movie that spoofed the franchise which starred the late actor is still coming when even though it shouldn’t at all?

Biggest Movie Of All Time 3D
I know I’m not gonna get any answers to this. And given that, when I now think of Superfast!, I don’t think of it as a Seltzer and Friedberg movie anymore. Instead, I think of this movie as downright offensive and exploitive. You guys knew when there was a genre back in 1970s known as Bruceploitation, right? The genre that capitalizes on Bruce Lee’s death by having movies starring stars who look like the deceased legend himself? There’s a bunch of those and to me, this movie is really going to that level. This is really a “Walkersploitation” movie and not in a good way. And coming from Seltzer and Friedberg, I think the spoof ends with a character parodying Paul’s character Brian O’Connor getting killed in a “hilarious” way. You know something like that is gonna happen.

Disaster Movie
Seriously, Aaron and Jason not only makes fun of characters that are alive at their time for any of their movies but also make fun to the deceased as well. This goes from beating a dead horse to well, beating a dead human being. I am really disgusted by this. Other than that, I think Superfast! is really rushed because it’s not the only from them that’s gonna be released next year. There’s also Who the F#@K Took My Daughter? which is a spoof to Taken franchise. It happened once before with Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie after all and really, the trailer kinda proves the quality (also the title of it so yeah, they’re literally making it as “Superfast” as possible).

Taken
So if you’re wondering why I’m not declaring Best Night Ever to be the worst movie coming out this year (even though it was first released online on the last week of 2013), this is the reason why – I’m declaring a “persona non grata” for these two and after this article, I swear to god that I’m not gonna watch or review their next movies as well as mentioning them even by hidden standards. I am also boycotting K5 International that is until they decide to fire and blacklist these two filmmakers from business.

K5
I don’t know if that’s gonna happen but really, they make the worst kind of humor even if they know it, they keep doing it to get money and they even have no care and respect to anybody even if that anybody died while they keep making products. I’m not calling their movies “movies” at this point and I really regret reviewing their shit so Aaron Seltzer, you should have been an artist and stick with it. Jason Friedberg, you should have stick with History Major instead of following your father’s footsteps. But instead, you took the job that at once a respectful position and shove it to our face in a lousy way. Oh yeah, I know you’re gonna read my reaction because you have your lives but if you did, I have two words to say to you two – Fuck You. I’m officially done with this so with Christmas coming, I have to look for few movies or television shows or something else.

Seltzerberg-A-Thon Mark II: Best Night Ever

November 27, 2014 § Leave a comment

Well, I’m back to the Seltzerberg crap again and to be perfectly honest, I have been trying to watch this movie months earlier but put it off so I can look into other stuff like few good movies, few RoboCop knockoffs and few Asylum stuff including the one where Colin Firth got into a pub brawl. Yeah, I’m still puzzled by this and I know this is the same guy who recently starred in Kingsman: The Secret Service but still. So anyway, I have been avoiding this really because when I get to picking my movie in my spare time, I go something like “Okay, today’s the day where I have to watch this and… oh crap, I brought The Great Dictator so might as well go with Chaplin instead”. Really, I’ve been avoiding this like a plague.

Kingsman
And since it’s now time to get to this, I should talk something further about Seltzer and Friedberg that I haven’t… but I’m gonna save that for an article I’m releasing later this week. Why? Because if I talked about it, it would become a two parter like the last time I review a Seltzerberg movie and I don’t want to go there again. So for now, let me talk to you about them making a movie that’s inspired by two genres that I don’t have a much likeness to – Found Footage genre and party films that capitalize on The Hangover and Bridesmaids. And I do say “inspired” because Best Night Ever is surprisingly not a parody, it’s a satire instead. Sure, there’s a tad bit of spoofing somewhere in this movie but uh, let me just throw in the plot… well, plot in a loosest sense.

Best Night Ever
The movie focuses on four girls going to have fun in Las Vegas prior to the wedding while getting recorded for no reason. The fiancée is Claire (Desiree Hall) and her friends are Zoe (Eddie Ritchard), Leslie (Samantha Colburn) and Janet (Crista Flanagan). While there, they have fun going to a nightclub with a male stripper involved, getting robbed by a guy in a red vest, hiding in a dumpster while singing “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes, taking drugs and getting shitfaced, kidnapping another guy in a red vest while mistakenly thinks he’s the thief, taking the captive to his house while getting literally shit on in front of the captive’s parents, getting into some bachelorette party games challenge, steal a limo, going to hotel room to get the fiancée but accidentally stumble onto a hypersexual nude couple and getting chased by them and the movie ends with them going home. That is the possibly the quickest synopsis for a Seltzerberg movie that I have ever wrote.

What's Up
And I should have stopped the synopsis when I mentioned the character’s names because really, who cares about what they do in Vegas anyway. This movie should honestly never be made and that’s even if the directors make other movies that itself should not be made. For their previous six movies, a little bit happens here and there that’s enough to have been added on YouTube in one point (a good example would be Rapid Chipmunks or Jayma Mays being oblivious) but this one, nothing good happens at all. What in the fuck should I say about this movie at this point? I really think this is not a movie and it’s more of a vacation video the same way Adam Sandler has been filming his with co-stars Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Aniston.

Adam Sandler
This “movie” is also filled with dick jokes or better yet, dick shots since there’s only few male actors who showed their own balls in the movie. One of them being surprisingly censored and that one being a male stripper played by Amin Joseph. He may show his ass while dancing on screen but not his wedding tackles. And just in case, his lapdancing is literally the first scene of the whole thing. Maybe second if you count the credits. There’s also a scene where they found out their hotel room is filled with cum during their night shots and also the fakest alleyway blowjob scene ever filmed. I think the woman sucking some guy’s dick is actually nodding her head and it shows. And there’s lastly a scene where Claire shows a pic of her fiancée doing a Eiffel tower technique with two other guys while they are standing near a replica of the Eiffel tower in Vegas.

Eiffel Tower
Other than bodily humor (if you call it that), the only comedy (again, if you call it that) in this is just four girls getting fucked up and having their own fun. There’s absolutely nothing beyond that. Actually, there is one thing beyond that and that is a montage of them having fun in the challenge and it goes on for several minutes with an annoying song from the soundtrack. Speaking of soundtrack, all but one songs are annoying and earbleeding to the degree. This is the kind of music that’s suitable for fans of LMFAO, Black Eyed Peas and Jason Derulo.

Chicken
And I did say “all but one song” because during the ending credits, there’s a song called The One For Me by Natalia Safran and Mikolaj Mick Jaroszyk and the song is quite possibly the only positive thing I give about this movie because it’s a song that’s literally out-of-place in both the soundtrack and the whole 80 minutes of nothing. Sadly, the only positive thing ends with a segue to an post-credits scene that’s just the girls doing a drive-by order.

Post-Credits
I hate Best Night Ever with an angry passion and it’s really worse than anything I reviewed before. Hey RoboCop remake, you may be money cow but I can watch you again in the future. Hey That’s My Boy, you have awful jokes involving rape, paedophilia and incest but at least they are considered jokes. Hey Uwe Boll’s Seed… I haven’t review you yet and I probably never will but congratulations, you’re now the second worst movie I have ever seen. Well, I would call this the worst movie of 2014 but it pains me that the next article I gonna talk about is my additional info on the directors and it’s the kind of article that ends with the point where I don’t call this “the worst movie of 2014” for few good reasons. Come back later this week for those exact reasons.

Revenge Of The Nerds

My Early Thoughts On “12 Monkeys: The Series”

November 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

Back when I started reviewing movies that isn’t distributed by The Asylum, I had the chance to review what I still think is the best movie that Terry Gilliam has ever directed – 12 Monkeys. Yeah, I would say it’s Brazil or Time Bandits instead but nah, it’s still this movie. And when I heard that the movie is translated to television series, I think it might be as good as Hannibal and Fargo but judging by the fact that it’s a show that’s done by SyFy, I then think it’s gonna end up like Zombieland instead (and yes, that one existed but it only have a pilot that didn’t work out). Hmm, maybe I’m wrong so let’s see the trailer for this and see if it makes me interested in this big time.

Hmm, I might watch this but I know I’m not gonna like this anyway so maybe I should give further thoughts than just a trailer. First off, let me give a cast on this. Now what do I say about Aaron Stanford filling in Bruce’s shoes as James Coles? Well, I liked Aaron but he is so miscast as James in my opinion. Really, he is no Bruce Willis and I don’t see it. He might be Brad Pitt instead but the thing about it is Jeffrey Goines is already cast and this time by Emily Hampshire. Yes, Jeffrey is now a woman known as Jennifer. She might be good but really, I don’t know much of Emily’s previous roles. I may had seen her in shows like Mutant X or Are You Afraid of the Dark? years ago but as whom is another question since she only appears in an episode or two so do forgive me if I don’t know much about her.

James Cole

And speaking of characters with name changes, Kathryn Railly is now Cassandra Railly. I don’t know why the changes happened but anyway, she is played by Amanda Schull who’s best known for being the lead star of Center Stage and well, nothing I can think of besides that movie. She has been on few movies and guest starred on bunch of television shows but that’s it so sorry if I don’t follow much on her work besides that movie. And the show has its own Jose now changed to Ramses and okay, he’s played by Kirk Acevedo of Fringe and Oz fame.

Ramse
And lastly in the main cast, we have Tom Noonan who’s basically “that guy from” kind of actor since I’ve seen him in pretty much anything from Manhunter to one episode of a Law and Order spinoff. Heck, I know him best as The Ripper from Last Action Hero. And get this, the character he plays is the leader of Army of the Twelve Monkeys known as… Slender Man!

Pallid Man
Okay, I’m now gonna think of Tom Noonan as Slender Man from this point on so thanks for that. Finally, there’s Željko Ivanek who plays Leland Frost and I’ve seen him in Oz and Seven Psychopaths so he’s a good actor and I have no arguments there. Now I could also go on with Noah Bean but like Emily, I’ve seen in few stuff and might had forgotten he’s in it so moving on. Right now, we get to the people behind the show. First off, let’s meet up the creators of the show – Terry Matalas and Travis Fickett. Now you have to ask, what’s so special about these two that helps make this show happen? Well, here’s the screenshot of what show they are responsible for few years ago.

Terra Nova
Yes, if I want a show about the confusion on time travel, I go with the ones who did that kind of confusion only in a stupidest way possible. And really, they are also two of the executive producers of this show and not the only ones since we have three more executive producers to boot. Let me say it this way, Star Trek has one executive producer, Twin Peaks has two executive producers and even Homeboys In Outer Space has one executive producer. How sad is it that I’m now comparing 12 Monkeys with one of the worst shows in television history? And oh, do guess which one I’m talking about?

Two And A Half Men
The other executive producer is Richard Suckle who gave us American Hustle but remember that he also gave us crap like Yours, Mine and Ours, Scooby-Doo and Extreme Movie. There’s also Natalie Chaidez without her, we wouldn’t have Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, the 2010 reboot of V and the first season of Heroes. Honestly, two out of three stuff on her resume ain’t bad. And then we have Jeffrey Reiner who is responsible for long-running shows like The Event, Awake and Surface.

Surface

Okay, next up is the producers of the show and there’s only two so that one I can deal with. One of them is Michael Wray who is recently involved with Hannibal. Uh, I mentioned the show earlier in the article so we might got another good sign here. The other producer is Patty Long and according to IMDB, her previous credit in executive producing is The Starving Games.

Starving Games
Yeah, let’s just move on. I talked about the cast and the people behind the work so what else is there to talk about? Oh yeah, Terry Gilliam and this one is interesting since for a show based on his movie, nobody in SyFy has really gone up to him and ask about that. No really, nobody asked him about this upcoming show. And what do he have to say about this?

“No, I know nothing about that except what I read in the papers, I have no control, I get no money. I think it’s a really bad idea frankly, particularly because I thought we did a very good film. I thought the script was wonderful, Chris Marker was very happy with “Twelve Monkeys” since it was inspired by “La Jetee,” and I think the series will have nothing to do with that.” [Source]

Ouch, now that’s the thing there. Bunch of directors like The Coen Brothers and Sam Raimi have become involved in their work becoming television properties but Terry Gilliam? Hey SyFy, you’re kinda dissing the guy who once do animations for a well-known British television show. Now I know the movie is loosely based on La Jetée since he brought it up but really, it’s called 12 Monkeys and not La Jetée or in English, The Jetty so… Hmm, I wonder what happen if the show is called The Jetty instead. That would be hilarious.

The Jetty
But back to it, they are making the show based on the movie with that exact title without the movie director’s permission and that’s kind of bad movie there. This is just another case of what happens when Hollywood takes on something Terry is involved in and mess with it. Remember when Brazil got butchered with a happy ending or how about the studio interference in The Adventures of Baron Munchhausen? SyFy just went to the same exact route as NBC did for Ferris Bueller back in 1990. Yeah, not asking John Hughes about making a television show based on one of his movies is a awesome idea… if it hasn’t got cancelled after thirteen episodes and the fact that it got negative receptions back and forth that is.

Ferris Bueller
But upon all that, there’s one other thing I should say about SyFy. Recently, the network admitted to being fucked up and decide to go back to basics. Okay, I can believe it with 12 Monkeys being one of its properties that might revitalize the network for the better. After all, It’s a Science Fiction show and not some Ghost Hunters wannabe crap or whatever. The thing about it is after what I said and pointed out, they might predestined themselves to going to the same point as before and the show could itself be a disaster. I may as well be wrong on this since really, there’s also 3001: A Space Odyssey and a reboot of Blake’s 7 coming but at this point, I am not simply feeling it. I am gonna watch it and when the show ends, I will give my final take on the show’s first (and maybe only) season to see if I prove my point or not. And this is really just my early thoughts on one idea that’s coming, not my final, definitive thoughts. Ever since I did the Equals article months ago, there has been an updated plot synopsis, a set photo and the fact that it’s not the only 1984 adaptation to hit cinemas in the future and I am gonna still see the movie despite the stupidity of the plot (emotions not existing? So no Two Minute Hate?) so I don’t back down on this. So yeah, I gonna watch it and it’s a better alternative than this following movie-to-television idea.

Monster In Law

RoboCop (2014)

November 13, 2014 § Leave a comment

I am having a strange time not hating movies that aren’t well-liked by critics and audience this year. I mean, I can be okay with an Transformers sequel that doesn’t involve Skids, Mudflap and Deep Wang and I didn’t hate Platinum Dunes’ re-imagining of heroes in a half shell. I explain much on those so what do I explain about this year’s RoboCop remake? Well, I already looked into four knockoffs of Detroit’s greatest defender earlier this year so let’s see what I think about this one.

RoboCop Day
Taking place in 2028 (instead of “near future” like the previous incarnation), Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman) got involved in an explosion that is planted by one of the henchman to Antoine Vallon (Patrick Garrow). He died but is later brought back three months later by Dr. Dennett Norton (Gary Oldman) who works in OmniCorp that’s headed by Raymond Sellars (Michael Keaton). Alex at first felt suicidal and shocked about this but he trained himself to be the first half-human/half-cybernetic police officer in a future America where machinery forces is thought to be illegal for lawful use which is all thanks the Dreyfus act that’s set up by Senator Dreyfus (Zack Grenier).

Car Explosion
As Murphy ushered to the public as RoboCop, he took on various criminals but then decides to investigate his own murder which results to him finding out that people like Chief Karen Dean (Marianne Jean-Baptiste) being involved in Vallon’s pack. Also, Raymond became greedy and desperate that he now wants RoboCop to be deactivated and now comes off as an antagonist to Alex and his family for no good reason. So Alex then has to stop both the forces that killed him and that will kill him.

RoboCop
Before I’ll get to what I think of it, let me talk a bit about the behind-the-scenes shenanigans. This is the first major American vehicle for Brazilian director José Padilha who’s already best known for Bus 174 and Elite Squad series. And it’s possible the only vehicle made outside his native country because the thing about it is this reboot is not the way he envisioned and intended. Even though he wanted to make this movie, his experience making it is noted by his friend and director Fernando Meirelles as being the worst experience he ever did so there’s massive studio interference involved (as mentioned on this link). In addition, José mentioned Fernando that only one out of his ten ideas have been used in the final product which honestly, I have to wonder what this rejected ideas are. It could be cool.

Jose
At this point of time, he didn’t disown it but it’s a matter of time. The only positives I could give is Michael Keaton, Gary Oldman and Jackie Earle Haley. True, Raymond’s villainous motivation is not the same as Dick Jones or The Old Man but Keaton is so playing Keaton in a hammy way. Gary is good even though I felt he’s being underused. And Jackie playing an asshole antagonist to Murphy? What could I say about this? And that’s about the positives there because everything else sucks. I explained the executive meddling earlier and that’s one issue but the other issue is that this is a definite case of the studio giving a middle finger to the franchise. From Jackie dropping the worst usage of “I’d buy that for a dollar” line to Michael Keaton thinking RoboCop should look more awesome in black rather than familiar type of suit that resembles the original, it is a massive spit on your face.

Michael Keaton

The acting outside of Keaton and Haley is totally phoned-in and unwanted to the degree. Josh is not playing RoboCop at all, he’s actually playing an emotionless man who thinks he’s RoboCop. Even previous actors who played RoboCop that’s not Peter Weller knows how to play the character despite some criticism. Abbie Cornish as his wife also looks bored being in this and Samuel L. Jackson is really in it to play a parody of himself that failed more than the one seen in Epic Movie. Jay Baruchel nearly got a pass but for a replacement of Bob Morton, the only resemblance is that Jay looks like he’s high in character and possibly in real life (since really his friends with Seth Rogen) and that is his only character trait related to Bob, he’s playing a businessman who looks high and nothing else.

Jay Baruchel
And one more actor who failed to give expectations is Officer Anne Harris or according to this reboot, Officer Jack Harris. Now I’m all for racelifts and genderflips involving previously established characters in various franchises and Michael K. Williams might play Jack well but the issue to that he’s really barely there. How could you do that? You revitalised Officer Harris by having the character played by Omar from The Wire and what do you do? Nothing, just place him because he’s Alex’s partner who does nothing much. If Hammond from Android Cop is a better use as a partner to a police officer that’s practically a machine, then something is really wrong with the picture.

Michael Williams
Done with the acting and oh, the camera style and editing. There’s usage of shaky cam technique and while it’s not making you suffer seizure, it is just used for unnecessary reasons. Oh look, a camera shakes in a police station conversation, why bother? Nothing happened there. And the action scenes are just blah right down to copying the shootout in the dark sequence from Uwe Boll’s Alone In The Dark. The storytelling is dull and uninteresting and fail to live up to the original. Speaking of which, it’s rated PG-13 which I mentioned earlier and is surprisingly less violent than the previous time RoboCop is rated PG-13 which is the massively-divided third one. How sad is it that RoboCop 3 is now superior than this reboot? Heck, I think it’s at this point that I liked that movie more than this one.

RoboCop 3
And lastly, it is a bad sign when you released a movie on an January dump month which is a giveaway clue for this movie is gonna suck and you all gonna pay for it. Sadly, it made more money than anything else with the word “RoboCop” in the title. Yes, a movie that’s boring, lifeless, unoriginal and offensive to the fan base made more cash than the first, second and even the third movie. Congratulations, you might about to get a sequel in the near future and also helped making Joshua Zetumer, the writer of this movie (and Quantum of Solace) to write a X-Men spinoff movie on Gambit that’s starring Channing Tatum. So honestly, this one should be alongside with Total Recall remake as one of the worst reboots I ever seen so fuck this movie and people who’s involved in making this (except the director because of what I said earlier). Just ignore this and go check out Our RoboCop Remake (which the video is below) because at least this one knows and respects the original while having a bit of fun on it.

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