Asylum Seeker: Sharknado III – Oh Hell No! (Part 2)

July 31, 2015 § Leave a comment

Well, we are on the second half of the movie so uh, let’s see how Jedward contributes to the plot whatsoever! And their contribution is just the fact that April showing them the picture of Claudia and nothing else… this is the most unnecessary cameo in all of the unnecessary cameos ever. Fin finally reached to April and Bruce got killed (yeah, even WWE wrestlers – current and former – are immune to this). However, the rollercoaster has left Fin trapped and it rides off to the Twister ride attraction with Fin killing a shark in front of an oblivious audience. Fin escaped and is reunited with April, May, Claudia and Nova with Billy in the mix. Meanwhile in a cinema screening, George R.R. Martin is watching a shark movie before getting himself killed by one of the sharks.

George RR Martin
Fin and the gang decide the best hideout is the Universal Studios globe which kinda works in the sense that it flown to the top of a building. After the storm passed, May is taken to the hospital on the wheelchair while Fin has a solution to the storms from merging to each other which might destroy it – calling his father who works for NASA. And surprisingly, the father is than Colonel Gil as played by David Hasselhoff. So they took some NASA cars and travel to the restaurant where Gil resides in with his friends Lt Colonel Stylo and Major Caissier (Penn and Teller).

Fin reunites with his father and hatches a plan which is to go to space and drop some rocket fuel to the storm which in other words, it’s nuke it in the orbit. Yeah, I’m reviewing a Sharknado movie and I just used an Aliens reference for no apparent reason. Back to the movie, and they group arrived at NASA headquarters and meet up with Brian “Jonesy” Jones (Michael Winslow) about the plan. With nearly all fuel, Fin and Gil are going to take a flight into space. And since I brought up cameos while recapping this, remember that mohawk NASA guy that was in the news back in 2012? Yeah, he’s in this movie with Ray J (of all people) helping it out.

Ray J
As Fin is about to get into the shuttle, April runs up and confronts him about going to space. The storm arrives and long story short, April joins in the shuttle mission. The others are shooting sharks while becoming victims and both Claudia and Billy join in the shooting. The shuttle is off and Billy kissed Claudia before he falls victim as well. They finally dropped the fuel tank and the plan almost worked. Meanwhile at Today studio, Matt Lauer, Al Roker, Savannah Guthrie and Natalie Morales all get killed by sharks. Yeah, let’s just go back to the main storyline as Gil talks to Rene (Bruno Salomone) over the phone and used a backup plan by having Gil go outside the shuttle by deploying the laser from a satellite nearby which works as weather clears up. And then the impossible became uh, more impossible as the shuttle is bombarded by sharks coming from the orbit.

Sharks In Space
Fin attempts to close the hate but too late so he uses a… lightsaber chainsaw to kill those sharks! And then a shark swallows April so Fin chases after the shark and as usual, he has gone inside the shark. The shark then falls to the orbit and by coincidence, it crashes near where Claudia and Nova is nearby. Fin escapes the shark and tries to get April and here’s another ridiculous part, as April uses her chainsaw hand to escape, she first gives Fin her new child. And then she got out, he named the baby after his father who’s now in the moon (how did he went there in minutes is a good question) and the movie ends with a cliffhanger moment as Fin, Nova and Claudia saw April possibly getting hit by piece of a shuttle but don’t worry, there’s a contest on whether she lives or dies. Oh yeah, The Asylum just use a “Vote for Jason Todd’s life” schtick there.

To be honest, the movie is not bad, it’s just meh. It is another movie using the same formula as the previous two with few new turns like going to space for example which I gonna admit, that third act is the best part even by the ridiculousness. And I don’t know how to take those out-of-nowhere and pointless cameos even with Michael Winslow not doing the sound effects. To top it all off, it is becoming more a feature-length product placement for Comcast (with celebrity cameos endorsing it just by appearance), Universal Studios and even NASCAR which really is these endorsement for this movie of what Seaworld is for Jaws 3D.

Tara Reid
Also, the cliffhanger with the April Lives or Die campaign, really? I bet that they gonna watch the fourth one next year to see what the outcome is and nothing else but hey, I could be wrong so I have not much care for it really. Overall, this movie is just slightly watchable and that’s about it. One thing before I decide to look in the comic next is that the movie has a promo for a monster disaster movie known as Lavalantula that I want to watch. Because seriously, it’s Mahoney, Jonesy, Callahan and Hooks together again and it’s not a Police Academy sequel, what could go wrong? I don’t know but I want to watch this movie badly now.


Asylum Seeker: Sharknado III – Oh Hell No! (Part 1)

July 29, 2015 § Leave a comment

Well, I’m done with one train wreck so why not get into another. Yeah, as you probably should know, I have low expectations on Sharknado III: Oh Hell No! for a few reasons. One of which is that my hopes about if this one is not like the previous one in terms of self-parody route has been totally diminished. I do expect if it’s gonna be that anyway. Also, another reason is that it has even worst celebrity cameos than Andy Dick and Kelly Osbourne combined. Oh, and the premise for the first movie is recycled in this as well but this time it expands to few locations with Washington and Florida this time.

Florida Man
And what’s more funny is that it’s not the only Sharknado product I’m reviewing this week since well, I got a copy of Archie vs Sharknado as well. It’s at this point that I’m now gonna reviewing anything Sharknado related no matter how good, bad or very bad it is so hey, This Ain’t Sharknado XXX: The Parody One might be on the horizon (assuming that exists under that title or similar). But enough stalling, let’s see how the third of Anthony C. Ferrante/Thunder Levin collaboration begin.

The movie begins with a parody of the famous James Bond gun barrel sequence. And after that, we see Fin running around Washington for some reason. Is it because the third Sharknado event is near? Or is it because 90210 got uncancelled and the producers want him to star in it? No, he is late to his meeting with President Marcus Robbins (Mark Cuban) and his VP, Sonic Buck as played by Ann Coulter. Wait, Ann Coulter as Vice President?

It’s official, Sharknado Universe is indeed a disturbing universe (and I’m placing a clip from an awful Fox News comedy in this review as well… I watch a lot of crap). So with two agents arriving to escort Fin to the White House (one of which is played by Ne-Yo so whatever) and over at the presidential dinner party, Fin reunites with his brother-in-law Martin (Mark McGrath) and sees the Mayor of New York there again. He also encounters Jackie Collins (as herself of course) and Lou Ferrigno as… Agent Banner! After he is awarded with the Order of the Golden Chainsaw, Fin senses that another Sharknado is near and warns the President about it so as usual, Sharknado happened with many people getting killed including Agent Banner, Agent Ne-Yo (not saying his character’s name), Agent Christopher Judge (also not saying his character’s name), the mayor and maybe Jackie Collins but don’t worry, Fin, Martin and the commander in chief survives while going gun-crazy with it… oh, and Ann Coulter as well for some reason.

Raising The Flag
Following the animated intro, we meet April who’s pregnant and enjoying her time in Universal Studios Florida with her daughter Claudia (Ryan Newman, instead of Aubrey Peeples) who’s having her 18th birthday and mother May (Bo Derek) which little do they know the the Sharknado event will hit their turf in a matter of hours. Fin is driving to their to unite with them but somehow, he got into the setting of Stephen King’s The Mist by mistake?!? Actually, the mist (or Fognado according to Fin) is filled with sharks involved with more victims and Fin then gets an familiar face meaning Nova is back and with her new partner Lucas (Frankie Muniz).Lucas 1

Both Nova and Lucas are planning to track and stop Sharknado storms but Fin is heading to Orlando. Back at Universal Studios, a lone shark suddenly dropped to the pool with lifeguard Chris Kirkpatrick being the only victim and April is supposed to save him but her mother stopped it. With that, they are searching for Claudia who meets her love interest Billy (Jack Griffo) and having fun in various rides. Fin and the two are heading to an army base with General Gottlieb (Tim Russ), Miltary Sergeant Harrison (Holly Madison) and Sgt Rock (Lorenzo Lamas) planning to evacuate because of the coming storm. As Fin and Nova takes the flight, Lucas decide to go back to his vehicle but sharks keep amputate his arms and legs enough that he pushed the red button on the vehicle and sacrifice his life for it.Lucas 2

While the two escaped the storm, they notice a NASCAR racing nearby and with the storm near them, Fin plans to save nearly everybody by dropping the bombs to the clouds and shoot some flying sharks on the way. The plan worked but a oncoming shark caused their jet to crash… within Universal Studios. Hmm, that was fast. Also, shirtless Ian Ziering and Cassie Scerbo in bikini are walking out of the water for no reason but sex appeal in the movie, I guess. April and May (did I just seriously wrote that?) are still searching for Claudia which leads to April splitting up to track Claudia’s phone (which is left in the locker earlier and on hold by Bruce played by Chris Jericho) and May finding refuge. Fin and Nova walks around before tourist Jerry Springer wants to take a picture of him with a hanged shark who’s alive enough to chop his head off.

April and Bruce are checking for Claudia in Bruce’s Rollercoaster ride and… oh crap, Jedward is in this? Dammit, as much as I can take Andy Dick and Ann Coulter in this picture, I’m not gonna take this and I blame their friend Tara Reid for this. Well, I’m just gonna call this a two-parter review and we are in the halfway point of the movie so best to stop it here. And who knows what happens next? Will Fin reunite with his family in time? How David Hasselhoff fits in the storyline? And will Jedward be part of the shark-infesting body count? The answer to the last question is possibly no but do come back next time.



July 26, 2015 § Leave a comment

Back around 2000s, I took my time to see several episodes of Freaks and Geeks at late night television and I’m hooked on the show that it’s my first exposure to the works of Judd Apatow (or second since he produced The Cable Guy). Since then, I’m a fan of his movie works when it comes to The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up and Funny People. And after those three movies came stuff I kind of avoid like This Is 40 and Girls which he executive produced. And then, Amy Schumer entered the picture which goes to the point of me being honest so – I don’t really follow her comedy antics.

Star Wars
Yeah other than that thing above, I haven’t seen her stand-up as well as her hit comedy show Inside Amy Schumer. The reason for that is I hardly watch television nowadays and the only comedy I could get into is Key and Peele, Archer, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia and (until this year which recently ended) Parks And Recreation. Now I know somebody might comment that I should check her stuff out and I agree, I could her show out if I have free time. However, it goes to the point where I just watched Trainwreck which might possibly make me rethink what I just wrote.Trainwreck

The movie follows Amy (Amy Schumer) who is assigned to write a piece about sports doctor, Aaron Conners (Bill Hader) for S’nuff Magazine. However, she is also a party animal who cannot get enough of being drunk, doing drugs and having random sex with strangers while sort-of being attached to Steven (John Cena). After her relationship with Steven ended, she decides to jump into Aaron’s bones and her sexual adventures went from wild to trying out her actual relationship. And that is about the most synopsis I could give to the movie since I have to be honest here, it’s not a bad romantic comedy… it’s also not a good one as well.

Mind you, I don’t hate this movie in a passionate way. The reason I don’t like it is because it’s a Judd Apatow movie with the exact tropes and stuff that you expect. It focuses on a lead character encountering another lead character who knows celebrities left and right and get into raunchy humor and I’ve already seen that in Knocked Up and Funny People. I hate to say it but Judd is becoming a one-trick pony on this and given that I mentioned that Amy wrote it, it felt more like Judd himself wrote it instead.

Amy & Judd
At the same time, it felt like their take on Woody Allen’s movies about New York since it took place there (and even one scene which referenced Woody’s movie Manhattan right down to the famous Golden Gate Bridge sequence) There are other characters in this of course like Amy’s father Gordon (played by Colin Quinn) who is sent to nursing home in his twilight days and Amy’s sister Kim (Brie Larson) who is raising her family while being a bit annoyed by Amy and her father in this situation. As for Aaron, he did has his own story involved – he’s a successful sports doctor who is best buds with LeBron James and doesn’t come off one-dimensional. Then again, I felt like it’s Bill Hader playing Bill Hader here but in normal approach.

Bill Hader
Other than that, there is humor involved and I can’t deny that it’s funny to other audiences. As for my personal take on humor on this movie, LeBron is probably the most believable character to be involved in this and he surprisingly hit the mark that Warner Brothers might finally give a go on Space Jam II: Slam Dunkaloo. The other form of humor is the cinema conversation between Steven and Method Man which was meant to be a heated argument but backfired to the point that Steven said stuff that comes off homoerotic. The last point of humor in my opinion is the indie movie within a movie starring Daniel Radcliffe as The Dog Walker which I have to admit, that movie is better and funnier than what I just watched so why am I not reviewing that one?

Dog Walker
The story is okay but I’ve seen it before, the characters are fine and not hated (including Tilda Swinton playing an unrecognisable character that I thought it’s Cameron Diaz playing an english person there instead) and the jokes are the usual kind of Apatoweseque humor you expect (again, even if it’s written by Schumer). I’m not a fan of this movie but I don’t dismiss it either so it is worth checking out if you have the time whether you’re a fan or not and who knows, maybe the next movie Judd makes is a good one or not to me.

The Neighbors Episode 6 – Triple Vanilla Sex

July 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

Okay, one more episode for the time being so how do I start with this? Honestly after me bringing up Tommy’s underwear brand, I don’t know. Maybe I should talk about my take on each character on the show since I already brought up Ricky Rick on the fourth episode so how about my unlikeness on Cici? No, that would be a massive long rant that goes nowhere plus I think I already brought up why I don’t like her a couple of her times so she’s kinda off-limits (but not when I talk about what she’s doing each episode). Hmm, of all the characters in the show, I guess I’ll go with Tim since he’s so far the only likeable character in the show. Now why do I like this guy instead of Troy or Princess Penelope or heck even Richard since he’s almost the second best character thus far?

Well, I know somebody who is similar to Tim to be honest and I’m still friends with the guy. Sure, he doesn’t carry basketball all the time but he does have the mannerism of him and even got clumsy at times so really, I kinda know Tim like I know one of my buddies. And as for the actor playing him… well, Raul Phoenix has his work as producer and writer on other stuff and he may not be as high-profiled as Tommy in terms of it but I decide to check on his stuff and I found his YouTube channel which is worth checking out. In fact, I can show you his demo reel to see how playing Tim in the show is not just the only good thing he’s ever done.

Uh fuck it, can I just not review this episode and watch more of his stuff instead? No? Come on, it’s hilarious and more of so-bad-its-good style than this show… Oh Okay, I’ll get to the episode. We begin at the office with Tim asking Rick about wanting his net in the basketball court but Rick just goes with his brain not being working. As Monica enters to talk about conversions, Rick does his Tiger Style again along with strange sound effects place in from Rick mentioning that Monica’s baby is ticking to I don’t even what’s going on anymore… uh, back to the show. Lula entered and wanted to spent time with Rick so with that, Rick wants Tim to substitute for him with Monica being his temporary replacement.

Tim Taking Over
Over at the hallway, Don goes to talk to Troy about what Triple Vanilla Sex is and Troy mentioned that he invented it (because why not?). Before Troy mentioned the meaning, Rick appeared and said that Don owned him ten bucks before he left. So Troy explained that Triple Vanilla Ice is what happens if you mix Vanilla Ice Cream with Weed and that it costs 40 bucks to do that. Don at first decides to go get his money first but then he wants Troy to mix it together before Troy declines like a dick. Back at the office, Monica asks Tim on what Triple Vanilla Sex is and before Tim reveals it, Troy enters and wants to know where Rick is. Tim doesn’t know and gives Troy a number for complaint before Troy acts like a dick towards Tim.

Troy Being A Dick
Troy then suddenly discovers that Monica is pregnant and wants to talk about it before Tim interrupts which leads to Troy acting like a dick again and left the office. Back at the hallway, Don talks to Cici about Monica slapping him because he slept with Patrick. Cici became surprised about it (even though she already knows about the love triangle) and begs Don to get help. Okay, nothing much there. Meanwhile at the office, Princess Penelope entered and complain to Tim about Philadelphia going around wearing a bikini (or in her own words “walking around naked”).

Cici vs Penelope
Penelope left and then, Philadelphia entered to complain about Penelope being rude to her. And then Troy entered to ask again on where’s Rick before he left. Returning to the hallway as Ed tells Mr B that Hallway Room sex costs five bucks which Mr B pays him for but before he explains his problems, Philadelphia quickly appears and asks Ed if he’s gonna join her in the pool later. He agrees and she left. So Mr B explains that he has a problem down below and Ed gives Mr B a pump to fix the problem but mentioned that its rental fee is a buck (and extra for cleaning it). Mr B pays him and Ed decides to go let Mariana know about Mr B having his small issue.

Ed's Pump
Back at the office (we really going back and forth in office and hallway in this episode), Rick appears with his “Dark Knight” helmet which has Tim wearing it briefly. And then Troy appears and is surprised that Rick is in the office. Rick then tells Troy to sit in the chair and as usual, Troy is being a dick to Tim by throwing stuff, messes with office material and gives Tim a complaint number which the zero number. Rick then ask Troy to take over the office for five minutes and he and Tim left but Rick returned ten seconds later to tell Troy that he’s messing with him. Troy then asks Rick about hiring prostitutes with Lula being the pimp (because according to Troy, nobody expects a female pimp).

Tim With Helmet
Rick then brought up that Ed is sick and having some accident (in the pool with Philadelphia?) before the episode end with Troy leaving as well as Lula appearing and both her and Rick left the office empty. Uh, this episode is okay and nothing bad happens except one thing – why is Troy acting like a fucking dick? Maybe he’s stoned out of his mind but seriously, what the heck man. I don’t know but next episode’s promo doesn’t help resolved it better which involves Ed making a heated argument with Troy. It’s watchable and one of the alright episodes. Speaking of next episode, the Mr B’s subplot involving his issue might (or might not) be resolved while Cici is shocked to see somebody having sex – my money is on either Don, Patrick and Monica or Philadelphia and Patricia. Other than that, I’m gonna look into Sharknado III (and maybe other stuff before more episodes of this show makes its way to Hulu).

Next Episode

The Neighbors Episode 5 – RR (Ricky Rick) Takes Over

July 10, 2015 § Leave a comment

Okay, back to the show and um, I don’t know where to start with this. Well, I should talk about Tommy’s own underwear brands that seems to be the dumbest form of product placement I ever seen. Granted, it’s not awful than Al Pacino doing Dunkin’ Donuts or Michael Bay throwing Xbox around in The Island but still, why promote your own product in your own sitcom in every single episode? I should be changing the show’s title to Tommy Wiseau’s Underwear Galore and that sounds like the most nightmarish porno around. And given that, this episode is no exception and it is very noticeable near the end.

Also, I checked the website for those brands and it turns out that Ricky Rick’s jacket is also for sale along with underwear brand for females which makes me wonder – if there’s an underwear brand for woman in the website, why isn’t it on the show? Okay to be more specific, you should by now that Philadelphia is a character who always walks around in her bikini so where’s the scene where she wears the ones Tommy promotes instead? And speaking of which, we see male characters showing their underwear so uh… no, that might make the show a bit more sexist. Oh boy, I now think I’m unintentionally promoting his underwear brand without his own knowledge so um… hey, here’s a commercial that Tommy is involved in.

I meant that one where he’s quoting Hamlet but anyway, I’m now either gonna get paid or sued by Tommy if he discovers this site so let’s just jump into this episode. It begins when Monica enters the office and talks to Ricky Rick and Suzy about the baby charge. Rick then thought an idea and said that she doesn’t have to pay for it, all while he is doing what he called “Tiger Style” (which is basically him using his pen and wave it around like crazy with sound effects, I don’t know why that suddenly happened). Rick then gives Monica a gift which is a paper airplane he made and she felt happy about it. Meanwhile at Troy’s apartment, Lula comes in and hangs with Troy while Ed explains that the ceiling fan is fixed and then he left.

Lula then hypnotizes Troy again and asked him about his fantasy is. Obviously, it’s having sex with Lula and she fulfilled that fantasy before he unhypnotoized Troy and doesn’t remember what happened. As she leaves, Troy is wondering what makes Lula so good and then overacts the fuck out with him saying “I’m such a happy camper” a couple of times.


Back at the office, Cici talks to Suzy about something and what we have is Rick coming in dressed in a knight helmet and metal gloves with roller skates. He explained he’s The Dark Knight (?) while showing his abs (which is computer generated) and caused a little mayhem.

Dark Knight
He left of course and I don’t know what just happened. A while later, Don comes in and talks about his confessed love with both Monica and Patrick before Cici complains that it’s against god’s rules. Patricia then entered and confess her own love before Philadelphia appears and they argued with Troy attempting to stop a catfight. Philadelphia bitchslap Patricia in front of them and the two suddenly left. While Philadelphia stands in the hallway, Princess Penelope comes and wonders where Richard is (I wondered about as well) before she argued about the way Philadelphia is dressed and they argued all while Philadelphia tells the princess to try on Vanilla Sex. Penelope then wondered what it is.

Vanilla Sex
They continue arguing all while other characters walked passed minding their own business (including Don and Monica who is back together) before Penelope decides to go and complain about Philadelphia’s near-nakedness to the new bosses of the apartment complex. Tim goes to Philadelphia and wondered what just happened before Rick goes to them and asked her to stop whatever the argument is about and let it go like they all just seen Disney’s Frozen. I’m not joking about that, they keep saying “Let It Go” like it’s a catchphrase to the show.

Let It Go
Rick returns to office before Philadelphia comes in and complains about a leak in her roof and that the leak is caused by a waterbed owned by Patricia (which would make it more than a ceiling than a “roof” unless Patricia really lives on the roof). Rick does his Tiger Style again and she left before Patricia entered and wants Philadelphia evicted. Rick then asks Patricia to take a number for the complaint and to come back in ten minutes. As she left, Lula entered and Rick doesn’t want to talk to her because of her having sex with Troy earlier. He felt depressed and Lula left which leads to Patricia come back and complains again.

Depressed Rick
Patricia then mentioned to Rick and Suzy that Philadelphia is both a crackhead and slut. Rick then points out that he needs evidence for this (yes, he needs evidence that she’s a slut and crackhead) and will get it before she leaves with getting her hugged by Rick. Troy entered and talks to Rick about Lula hypnotizing him more than once but Rick feels depressed again. He left and the episode ends with Rick showing his Tommy Wiseau underwear before they left the office. This next pic is what is gonna happen next episode.

Next Episode
As usual, nothing much happens in this episode and I find it funny that it’s called “RR (Ricky Rick) Takes Over” even though he already took over the previous episode. It’s a tad bit okay episode but it also waste a bit of twenty plus minutes of your time really. I guess the only good thing is the Ricky Rick dressed up as a knight but beyond that, that’s about it. Oh, and Troy overacting counts as okay as well. I really got not much to say except that the next episode explains what Triple Vanilla Sex is about. The answer may not really shock you.

Terminator: Genisys

July 9, 2015 § Leave a comment

Well given that Terminator: Genisys has been released last week, I was having little expectations since after I wrote the early thoughts article. And what made me have that before I went to see it? I don’t know, maybe the marketing team is complete douchebags for one thing. I only seen the first trailer and a couple of clips but when I heard the second trailer spoiled the twist, I avoid it and have to wait patiently for the movie to come out. However, Arnold Schwarzenegger himself released the movie poster on Facebook that include said twist and dammit, I felt sad when that happened.

It didn’t help when other than promotional material, the movie is having weird tie-ins like the Genisys Burger (which I can’t try since I live in Australia), the mobile game which you can play while the movie is showing (in a cinema where there’s supposed to be a PSA involving turning your phone off) and a YouTube short involving T-800 hunting down YouTube celebrities. Yeah, I got no comment on that one. So the week came and I went to see it, it was a quiet session with no mobiles on and I saw the whole movie with the exception of post-credit scene which I forgot was in there. So what do I think of this movie? I think this is the second-best sequel in The Terminator Franchise.

Yeah, I am not kidding about that statement. Well okay, this movie is better than Rise of the Machines and Salvation but that doesn’t equal to me saying it’s one of the best movies of the year  but it is close enough to be one enjoyable and watchable popcorn flick. There is plotholes, cheesy acting, noticeable CGI works and other flaws to note but before I get to those, I should explain that there’s gonna be spoilers involved and that I could explain stuff like the purpose of few characters, time travel and so on. So with that, let me start the spoiler twist itself that is “John Connor is the Terminator” and what do I say about this?

Alternate Ending
To be honest, the twist is kind of a untwist since it’s still technically John Connor because he got killed and resurrected while being heavily controlled by nanotechnology that’s set off by The T-5000 (Matt Smith) who is the embodiment of SkyNet and assumes the identity of “Alex” in 2029. I said what I said too much but when resurrected, John became known as The T-3000 and travels to sometime before 2017 to help CyberDyne be successful at Genisys (this new timeline’s answer to SkyNet) which would set off a nuclear war. Other than that, John still has his consciousness and memories but his humanity is long gone thanks to nanotechs so he is now a villain in this piece.

Talk To The Hand
Moving from John and to The T-5000 one himself and this one might resolve your headbanging a bit, while he did kill John Connor and “reprogrammed” himself into one of his machines, he also exists in new timeline back in 2017 which is confusing but don’t worry, writers Laeta Kalogridis and Patrick Lussier revealed that the T-5000 is actually from a different timeline whose mission is to find one timeline to kill John Connor and have SkyNet win victorious so what better timeline is the first timeline where Judgment Day occurred in 1997. And that alternate timeline that they brought up might either be the one depicted in the movie given he appeared in 2017 or from someplace else that might be answered in the upcoming two sequels so hope there’s no confusion to what I’m writing here.

Matt Smith
And this brings me to the new timeline mumbo-jumbo. The movie opens up with the original T-800 and Kyle Reese traveled to this new timeline that’s already altered by how is a good question. Well, Sarah explained that back in the 1970s, her parents got killed and the new T-800 decides to be a guardian to her. Now who killed her parents and how did he get to Sarah’s childhood period is not yet answered and again, it might be saved for the two sequels but damn, this is one plot point that I have to wonder for the rest of my life. I may be fine if the T-5000’s point of origin won’t be discussed but I do want to know – who send the T-800 to this point of history and become Sarah’s new father figure?

T-800 & Sarah
I already explained my take on John, Matt’s purpose of the movie and the new timeline confusion so the last thing I should talk about is the “Genisys” part of the movie. We all know that Genisys used to be Skynet but how it’s developed is a funny one – Genisys is now meant to be the perfect app to the public population. Yeah, if you want to activate SkyNet and see some mushroom clouds, there’s an app for that but you have to wait for the countdown for when they’ll do that for you. It also brings me back to the T-5000’s existence in this new timeline since he’s the embodiment of SkyNet/Genisys itself and was a holographic protected child at first but with countdown resets quicker to Armageddon, he went from being a kid to being Matt Smith in minutes.

Matt Smith 2
Yeah, I think that’s enough of those but that’s my take on why this movie confuses and divides audience enough to have a massive negative reception and box office sales. Now let’s go on to the acting. Staring with Arnie and yeah, he is still playing his signature character as good as possible and he may not deliver well-memorable one-liners in this but hey, his character traits is him getting old but not obsolete (which he brought up a few times). Emilia also did good as Sarah and some say she’s miscast in this but I don’t really see it, I think she’s the best Sarah Connor since Linda Hamilton in my opinion. I do have issues involving her love interest Kyle however.

T-800 2
Jai tried and he really tried his best to play the character previously played by Michael Biehn and Anton Yelchin but good god, he is so very miscast and wooden in this. I don’t see him playing Kyle Reese at all and his mannerism and looks is absent in this movie. At times, he whine a bit about why he’s in an alternate timeline, why he and Sarah should go to 2017 and why he discovered that he’s John’s father. If I could say one worst thing about this movie, I’m sorry but it’s Jai Courtney and it pains me to say that given that he might be a talented actor other than me seeing him in this and A Good Day to Die Hard (by the way, I still haven’t seen his other stuff)… that and I met him on the movie’s red carpet premiere in my area recently.

Now on to his character’s son and oh boy, Jason is really having the time of his life since he is chewing scenery as John Connor and he chewed it very well. He is possibly one of the funniest villains I’ve seen since Aro in the Twilight franchise. Before his character’s death, he did act well as John but when he became the T-3000, he went from being sweet to laughable. It might be that Jason doesn’t like the script but wants to do his all so dammit, he decides to act as hammy as possible and it shows. And hey, it’s not better than Edward Furlong, Nick Stahl, Christian Bale and Thomas Dekker but he is gonna be remembered for this role.

John Connor
There’s also J.K. Simmons as Detective O’Brien who is a believer in this since back in 1984, his character (that was played by Wayne Bastrup) witnessed John and Sarah encountering the T-1000 and it took him few decades before he plays both an ally and uh, a comedy sidekick to the heroes. He’s good in this as well and do act serious here so he’s like the fourth actor in this movie that I liked. Now it comes to Matt and his role is just an extended cameo here. He did pull off playing the villain but him playing SkyNet himself makes me think he’s playing Helena Bonham Carter’s counterpart in Salvation and that is not a easy sign.

The other roles are also handled okay in small parts from Lee Byung-Hun to Courtney B. Vance to even Asylum alum Griff Furst. Yeah, I don’t know how he went from Transmorphers and Universal Soldiers to this movie but his role is small so that is not really saying much. Even Gregory Alan Williams of Baywatch fame didn’t do much and he played freaking Garner. Sure, he shared screen time with Arnie in the police station but hey, let’s cast him, Thresh from The Hunger Games and Ron Carver of Criminal Intent… and have them do nothing at all!

Connor And Tysons
Ah, back to the movie at hand. So really, the story is a bit convoluted and has issues which I expected from the start and the action is good with few glaring CGI scenery. The comedy ranges from okay to ridiculous like The T-800, Sarah and Kyle being arrested and got police mug shots (with Bad Boys by Inner Circle playing for some strange reason) and there is not much else but I honestly don’t hate this movie, I actually do like it despite its issues, its massive negative reception and even its box office earnings. I don’t get why it didn’t do successfully at all but I do expect this to happen and I can deal with it being the least favorite by the public even though I felt saddened about it.

T-800 3
The concept is good and should have handled well but its potential is hardly there. It did meant to aim for the old audience while aiming for the new ones like previous reboots, remakes and reimaginings did and I don’t find this movie insulting to the franchise. It did went to the continuity reboot route like Star Trek did and would it make me miss the old continuity? No because the predecessors are still there and is never ignored (which by the way, James Cameron point that this is the true sequel to the first two movies… even though the second movie is not canonical to this despite Miles and Danny Dyson appearing in this) and if you prefer to watch those ones and don’t want to bother with this, that’s fine but don’t slam it like it’s becoming a franchise zombie.

Now I have to wait and see if this part of the franchise will continue with those two sequels since Arnie did sign up for it before this movie’s release and I hope it will because I don’t want the “Who sends The T-800 back in 1970s?” issue to be stuck in my mind forever so come on, bring on the sequels. Okay, I’m tapped out on this so time to go and watch The Neighbors again.

Asylum Seeker: Furious Road

July 5, 2015 § Leave a comment

And now we got into TomCat Films’ side of exploiting their company by distributing rip-offs of movies that recently hit the big screen and by recently, I mean they decide to take a 2013 film, retitled it and re-release it this year because that is what Furious Road is all about. Furious Road was originally known as Enemy Empire and I don’t know, it might be a knock-off of Enemy starring Jake Gyllenhaal that came out that year instead. Other than that, it may be distributed by TomCat Films but it is produced by a company known simply as… Have another Cherry! Unusual name for a movie company but hey, it’s the same company that gave us such unknown gems as Alien Theory and The Borrower, both of which has the alternate titles of Warrior Of Roads and Beyond Bio-Dome.

Okay, I made the alternate titles up but this movie along with the other two I just brought up is made by Michael Ryan Hahn who started his career as assistant to director for 2006’s which is possibly the only he is involved that has a sense of well-known celebrities like Beau Bridges and Rosanna Arquette (well, related to well-known celebrities but anyway). Other than that, not much information to add really other than he made two other short films so uh, I don’t know… this is the kind of work I’m doing so can we get on with the movie.
Taking place in a future (duh!) where America has been into a desert wasteland for some reason and there’s a disease known as The Sun Disease that rendered humans to wear goggles, we meet with Sol (Tristan James Butler) who escapes from prison and is on the run with two guards. Sol killed them while one of the guards chained him to the Torture Machine which is perfect for having Gaear from Fargo shuffling Carl in there. As he is near death, a wanderer appeared by the name of Cleo (Elisabeth Meurer) who picks up a wireless phone but has no answer because Sol used it earlier.

Sol and Cleo decide to work together with Sol looking for Catherine and her captor known as the Nomad King while Cleo is looking for ways to get into Paradise City maybe to see if Axl Rose survived or something else and this where the movie begins to get strange. They encountered the Nomad King’s cousin who only goes by The Duke of Lear (Justus Zimmerman) and Sol decides to sword fight with The Duke before killing him. And then they continued their endless journey in a long montage. Along the way, they are secretly followed by Misty (Elisabeth Meurer again) who’s a teenage archer who claims to look for her parents (but really is trying to live her life shooting bows and arrows like she’s Katniss).

The Duke
They got into a trap of sorts which has Cleo takes off her goggles and finally see the daylight outdoors with her eyes bleeding out. She’s fine of course before Sol discovers Misty and punched her while thinking the punch killed her (she lives of course) before they resume their journey. We then meet Giric (Ralph Riddle) who’s killing somebody randomly before we get back at them traveling and encountering a Prisoner (Morgan Roberts) who helped them with their adventure by bringing in the head of The Oracle. So it leads to them meeting The Oracle (Joanne Baron) in a boat with some guy and a fake fish. If you think it’s weird, this is nothing to them having the most batshit and awkward conversation I have ever heard. I just can’t described what they are talking about.


So they got The Oracle’s head (by The Oracle’s permission?) and went back to the prisoner. It didn’t work and Cleo punched Sol which leaves him walking alone at night. And then Sol got captured by Henry (Harry Smith) who is looking for his daughter. Sol claimed that he killed her which leads to Giric fighting against Cleo. But don’t worry, Cleo survived with Giric being attacked by arrows from Misty while surprisingly live. Yeah, a random murderer survives the battle only to find other victims. Cleo and Misty are then separated before Cleo finds Henry putting Sol in the hole. Henry decides to find his daughter while giving a go ahead for Cleo to rescue Sol. And then they continued their journey as always.

They resting and making love at night. Hours later, they got captured by two random guys in mask with one trying to work up the phone (which looks like a walkie-talkie). The masked duo talked about stuff like it’s normal before they got killed by a Witch Hunter (Alexander Aguila) who uh also hold them captive in the same place. He then decides to let Sol go before they fought each other and have Sol’s magnetic arm being trapped by a big magnet and then… Sol is somehow transported to the beach in a split second!

The Beach

Sol then meets a Surgeon (Bryan Bellomo) who explained that Sol is subjected as an experiment to kill any woman by the name of Catherine while having his memories wiped multiple times. The Oracle then suddenly appears looking like she’s back from the dead and Sol goes on a bit of rampage by throwing the Surgeon’s mind-wiping equipment to the ocean. The Oracle then helps Sol go back to Cleo who is still captured by that Witch Warrior. When The Oracle disappears (oh, so she’s a ghost?!?), Sol saves Cleo while fought against Witch Warrior in another place that includes that Torture Machine.

Witch Warrior
Witch Warrior got defeated by being stuck to the machine but before he died, a gas has set off leaving the three to sleep with the Surgeon appearing to carry Sol and reprogrammed him. Sol is mindwiped again and goes on killing a random person before Cleo finds him and tries to make him remember. Sol nearly killed Cleo but with a little flower left in her clothing, he remembers and they are reunited with love. Oh, and The Surgeon… he got killed by Misty on the beach just because it’s a thing that happened in the movie.

The Surgeon
Well, this is one weird and boring movie so where to honestly start? This movie is really about two people traveling around the desert for several hours and encountering strange civilians along the way and nothing else. It’s basically how Michael watches Gus Van Sant’s Gerry and think “I’m gonna make the same movie but on shrooms”. And the weirdness of it, I can’t deny that it’s unique and unexpected because this is close enough to see what an post-apocalyptic movie would be like if it’s directed by Tim Burton.

Sol Misty
Other than few actors acting quirky and awkward, the main two are just boring and not worth it. Sol is not the perfect Max wannabe and Cleo goes from being a fighter to a damsel in distress. And the big bad is just a random scientist in a lab coat who wants Sol to kill and nothing else. The Witch Warrior, Gaeic, The Duke of Lear, they are just there to be either alive, dead or disappeared. And wow, the title itself is so inaccurate since not only it’s just a post-apocalyptic desert movie that has no roads at all but no vehicles as well… well if you count the boat and this.

The same can be said for being calling the movie Enemy Empire as well since well, where’s the empire of it all? Is the empire an “empire of dirt” like how Trent Reznor mentioned it in one of his songs because if so, you should have called it that. I just simply recommend this movie since it’s not a good knockoff and not a great avant-garde post-apocalyptic piece either. Actually, there is one person I could recommend to and it’s Aaron Clarey of Return of Kings website because he’s such a MRA crybaby that he wants a movie that doesn’t have a feminist message and is a piece of American culture (which is what he called Mad Max franchise even though it’s Australian). Yeah, it’s better to check out Fury Road instead (and I guess Road Wars as well since it doesn’t really suck). I was thinking of going back to The Neighbors now and I will within this coming week but this movie… this movie screws my mood a little so uh… I got a good idea on how to fix that so don’t worry, I’ll get to the new episode of that sitcom shortly.

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