Asylum Seeker: Sharknado III – Oh Hell No! (Part 1)

July 29, 2015 § Leave a comment

Well, I’m done with one train wreck so why not get into another. Yeah, as you probably should know, I have low expectations on Sharknado III: Oh Hell No! for a few reasons. One of which is that my hopes about if this one is not like the previous one in terms of self-parody route has been totally diminished. I do expect if it’s gonna be that anyway. Also, another reason is that it has even worst celebrity cameos than Andy Dick and Kelly Osbourne combined. Oh, and the premise for the first movie is recycled in this as well but this time it expands to few locations with Washington and Florida this time.

Florida Man
And what’s more funny is that it’s not the only Sharknado product I’m reviewing this week since well, I got a copy of Archie vs Sharknado as well. It’s at this point that I’m now gonna reviewing anything Sharknado related no matter how good, bad or very bad it is so hey, This Ain’t Sharknado XXX: The Parody One might be on the horizon (assuming that exists under that title or similar). But enough stalling, let’s see how the third of Anthony C. Ferrante/Thunder Levin collaboration begin.

007
The movie begins with a parody of the famous James Bond gun barrel sequence. And after that, we see Fin running around Washington for some reason. Is it because the third Sharknado event is near? Or is it because 90210 got uncancelled and the producers want him to star in it? No, he is late to his meeting with President Marcus Robbins (Mark Cuban) and his VP, Sonic Buck as played by Ann Coulter. Wait, Ann Coulter as Vice President?

It’s official, Sharknado Universe is indeed a disturbing universe (and I’m placing a clip from an awful Fox News comedy in this review as well… I watch a lot of crap). So with two agents arriving to escort Fin to the White House (one of which is played by Ne-Yo so whatever) and over at the presidential dinner party, Fin reunites with his brother-in-law Martin (Mark McGrath) and sees the Mayor of New York there again. He also encounters Jackie Collins (as herself of course) and Lou Ferrigno as… Agent Banner! After he is awarded with the Order of the Golden Chainsaw, Fin senses that another Sharknado is near and warns the President about it so as usual, Sharknado happened with many people getting killed including Agent Banner, Agent Ne-Yo (not saying his character’s name), Agent Christopher Judge (also not saying his character’s name), the mayor and maybe Jackie Collins but don’t worry, Fin, Martin and the commander in chief survives while going gun-crazy with it… oh, and Ann Coulter as well for some reason.

Raising The Flag
Following the animated intro, we meet April who’s pregnant and enjoying her time in Universal Studios Florida with her daughter Claudia (Ryan Newman, instead of Aubrey Peeples) who’s having her 18th birthday and mother May (Bo Derek) which little do they know the the Sharknado event will hit their turf in a matter of hours. Fin is driving to their to unite with them but somehow, he got into the setting of Stephen King’s The Mist by mistake?!? Actually, the mist (or Fognado according to Fin) is filled with sharks involved with more victims and Fin then gets an familiar face meaning Nova is back and with her new partner Lucas (Frankie Muniz).Lucas 1

Both Nova and Lucas are planning to track and stop Sharknado storms but Fin is heading to Orlando. Back at Universal Studios, a lone shark suddenly dropped to the pool with lifeguard Chris Kirkpatrick being the only victim and April is supposed to save him but her mother stopped it. With that, they are searching for Claudia who meets her love interest Billy (Jack Griffo) and having fun in various rides. Fin and the two are heading to an army base with General Gottlieb (Tim Russ), Miltary Sergeant Harrison (Holly Madison) and Sgt Rock (Lorenzo Lamas) planning to evacuate because of the coming storm. As Fin and Nova takes the flight, Lucas decide to go back to his vehicle but sharks keep amputate his arms and legs enough that he pushed the red button on the vehicle and sacrifice his life for it.Lucas 2

While the two escaped the storm, they notice a NASCAR racing nearby and with the storm near them, Fin plans to save nearly everybody by dropping the bombs to the clouds and shoot some flying sharks on the way. The plan worked but a oncoming shark caused their jet to crash… within Universal Studios. Hmm, that was fast. Also, shirtless Ian Ziering and Cassie Scerbo in bikini are walking out of the water for no reason but sex appeal in the movie, I guess. April and May (did I just seriously wrote that?) are still searching for Claudia which leads to April splitting up to track Claudia’s phone (which is left in the locker earlier and on hold by Bruce played by Chris Jericho) and May finding refuge. Fin and Nova walks around before tourist Jerry Springer wants to take a picture of him with a hanged shark who’s alive enough to chop his head off.

Jerry
April and Bruce are checking for Claudia in Bruce’s Rollercoaster ride and… oh crap, Jedward is in this? Dammit, as much as I can take Andy Dick and Ann Coulter in this picture, I’m not gonna take this and I blame their friend Tara Reid for this. Well, I’m just gonna call this a two-parter review and we are in the halfway point of the movie so best to stop it here. And who knows what happens next? Will Fin reunite with his family in time? How David Hasselhoff fits in the storyline? And will Jedward be part of the shark-infesting body count? The answer to the last question is possibly no but do come back next time.

Jedward

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