Asylum Seeker: Sharknado 5 (Part 1)

August 22, 2017 § Leave a comment

Oh good god, I have seen Sharknado 5: Global Swarming and I can’t believe that I have to say this but uh, can I ignore what I wrote on my pre-review announcement and review the sixth one next year? Well, the sad answer is no because I do still stick with what I say and yeah, I will review the sixth one but I do need a break from this franchise. It might be just one year or two or three but there are other things I can do so there’s that.

And this might be the first but given that it’s a not a single parter, I’m doing something different. Not only am I recapping this movie but critique within the recap rather than after it and I don’t know if I have done this before but after years of me starting the review with me talking about the director or somebody else to recap the movie to my thoughts about it. I do feel it needs a change of pace but not straight away so I am trying my best to make a review that’s not as much messy as The Apocalypse. And to start this review off is my first cringeworthy moment being this logo screenshot.

We open with Nova (Cassie Scerbo) and her so-called “Sharknado Girls” team-mates as she goes to a cave that’s located near Stonehenge and discover drawings indicate that Sharknado was a thing in pre-historic times. Meanwhile in London, Fin, April and Gilbert Jr (Ian Ziering, Tara Reid & Billy Barratt) are greeted to MI6 Headquarters by Chris Kattan as a secret agent-turned-prime minister. Yes, Cocky Romano is now a leader of the United Kingdom and with an English accent.

While meeting up with Llewelyn (Clay Aiken, and nice 007 name reference there) and Ms Moore (Samantha Fox), Fin gets a call from Nova to come to the cave and he indeed went there. Llewelyn is showing April and Gil some gadgets and gave Gil a shark-like hat that somewhat protects him. Fin and Nova wander through the cave and discovers drawings of a earlier Sharknado happening and the artifact so in case you don’t get the obvious Indiana Jones-like logo in the beginning, they decide to take the artifact and replace it with something of a similar weight and this is a thing that is happening – both Fin and Nova unintentionally caused a mystical Sharknado event to occur. Okay, with that, I now see why Fin keeps sensing and fighting a tornado full of sharks.

Fin alerted April and he and Nova decides to go back to the UK with April and Gil on the bridge all while Prime Minister Cocky Romano (and I’m sticking by that name) got one of his legs chopped off while he fights the sharks. Nova took a double-decker bus to the Buckingham palace which hits Bret Michaels but he survives for a couple of minutes by playing a guitar solo before a shark took him. Upon reaching the palace, Fin charges all the English soldiers to attack sharks before he gets inside, stopped the shark while riding it, took a crown that’s inside it and give it to a queen that’s played by Spanish actress Charo. And then another animated opening credit montage twenty minutes within the movie.

Okay, a bit of pause for the moment and this is so far the most ridiculous twenty minutes I have ever seen. While I still have a lot to go through, this is really the most bat-shit way to start a Sharknado movie. I mean, why is Chris Kattan and Clay Aiken in this as British characters including Charo who hasn’t said a line? Then again, I shouldn’t answer it because this is just a tip of an iceberg on the most baffling cameos I ever seen. Just you wait till we get to the Italy portion of the movie.

Getting back and I forgot to mention that Gil killed a shark with his shark hat but not before he got taken by a Sharknado which he manages to survive so what does Fin, April and Nova to do? Go to a nearby NATO meeting with Nichelle Nichols playing one of them. Okay, that is one of the cameos that kind of make better sense. Prime Minister Cocky Romano appears blaming Fin for this but Sharknado appears killing him and others in the process and Dance Moms‘ Abbey Lee Miller helps the three getting to Hindenberg XP 3000 (yes, they question the name) which is piloted by entrepreneur Dr. Angel (Geraldo Rivera).

Dr. Angel got killed and they ended up in Switzerland with Sasha Cohen nearby killing few sharks with her skates before she’s gone to the celebrity cameo dead pool. And what happens next? They hatched a plan to get Gil away from the tornado by having April becoming a tornado herself. Sure, why not? Meanwhile in Kansas, Matt Shepard (Cody Linley) is building to hide him and others in along with Steven Beck (Russell Hodgkinson). Matt is calling up Fin about what’s going on and notice a storm is coming but anyway, let’s get back to Fin and the others. As the three got into the Sharknado, they try to retrieve Gil but instead got into some strange purple lightning wormhole that landed them in Sydney.

And I hate to do this but there’s more to go so may as well stopped here, I may as well have to stop here because the next one is under fifty minutes worth of material left and there is a lot to talk about. So far, this sequel kind of ups the ante with the cameos, parodic references and other stuff that forever baffles me. Surprisingly, I didn’t hate it but I have the feeling that I regret the pre-review announcement but I am keeping my word.


The Bibleman Adventure: Defeating The Shadow Of Doubt

August 15, 2017 § Leave a comment

Getting to the first episode of The Bibleman Adventure (even though the opening credits contains The Bibleman Show theme song) and not only the title of the show has been changed but a few things have been updated in a way. While previous episodes has Miles fighting solo as the character, this episode starts with him fighting alongside a sidekick by the name of Coats. And not only, he and Coats are aided by a sentient computer known as U.N.I.C.E. as voiced by Willie’s wife aka the villainess from a previous episode.

But as much as he got a sidekick, I now have a question that is in the same place as how did the Bible get into a dirt as I mention in a previous episode – Who is Coats and how did he became a sidekick? Forget it’s saying it’s god’s work and all but he just became a sidekick out of nowhere. The first we saw of him is within the same place Miles works at as the hero and no explanation is given on why he’s there. To also make it more awkward, he’s only his sidekick for few handle of episodes and he later got replaced for unknown reasons.

So we on to Defeating The Shadow of Doubt and we meet up with Kyla (Kyla Pratt) who is casting doubts about her life and religion thanks to her parents arguing constantly. As Bibleman tries to help her out, he discovers that a villain known as The Shadow of Doubt (Brian Lemmons) is behind this as he hides in the church’s basement, and with his own sidekick Ludicrous (Steve Weatherford). He tries to stop him but The Shadow of Doubt also puts Bibleman under the spell as he casts his own doubt.

He later against his own spell and with the help of Coats, you know the outcome to this by now. Bibleman defeated evil and Kyla is no longer questioning herself. Okay, before I get to this, I should mention that yeah, I know it’s a children’s show that aims to them about their own religion and understanding. It has a sense of education and campy fun mixed in but if there’s one I should bring it up, it’s that it’s becoming more copy and paste in terms of storyline.

Bibleman tries to help a child but discovers a villain is nearby, he fought the villain a couple of times and wins in the end. It was like that in a couple of episodes and a bunch more after that. While it did have changes, it’s becoming a bit repetitive. Oh well, I’ll still look up to the show because while I may expect a little is new in terms of plot synopsis, at least there are differences. And this might be surprising but The Shadow of Doubt will return in later episodes, although in different identities. Ludicrous however remains the same so we have Bibleman’s answer to Otis from the first two Superman movies I guess.

It’s nothing much unless you wanna see The Shadow of Doubt having his rap number or him along with Bibleman breaking the fourth wall (yeah, Bibleman is aware you are watching him now) but it’s already same-plot-different-take as I brought up. At least it’s starting to feel a step-up after seeing few episodes but I hope I’m not jinxing that and now I doubt (no pun intended) I gonna enjoy later episodes but we’ll see so under then, I gonna see if The Shadow of Doubt’s rap number got some vaporwave makeover or something.

Sharknado 5 (Pre-Review Announcement)

August 7, 2017 § Leave a comment

Today is the day Sharknado 5: Global Swarming airs on SyFy and while I have yet to watch and review it, I thought I should make a Pre-Review announcement regarding this movie and the franchise itself and the announcement is a hard one but I must say it so the news about it is this, I think I’m retiring myself from reviewing the franchise after this movie and for a number of reasons that I hope it’s understandable.

While I’m trying not to go repetitive on what I said before, I mention a bunch of times about my dislikeness that Sharknado is becoming a parody of its genre but I do have understanding on it thanks to me looking at Sharknado: Feeding Frenzy. However, I now felt that the parody route they are going for is way overexposed and repetitive on this. I honestly thought it was having three movies but the fourth one is kind of pushing it and now we have a fifth one and possibly more.

There’s more to parody route and again, it goes to overexposure but this movie is already known for being a celebrity cameo deathpool. The first movie kind of have it with Cousin Oliver being the first case and then we have a sequel that includes Kelly Osbourne, Robert Hays, Perez Hilton and even Jared Fogle fallen to their sharkbites. Everybody who’s famous, infamous or formerly famous wants in the action after it and it is really getting sad. While not seeing the fifth at this time of writing, I found out Nichelle Nichols, Chris Kattan and Today Australia’s Karl Stefanovic is in this. Seriously, Karl Stefanovic? The guy who he himself said that he’s the Donald Trump of Breakfast TV? Uh, fuck this shit.

The third point is that the franchise is really losing steam and while the fifth now focuses on Sharknadoes throughout the world, I have to wonder what point is there to this? The third one has peaked when Fin, April and Gil going to Space so what is there to go beyond it? Uh, I do also heard that the fifth one might involve time travel or something so I’m not sure but then again, I do find it obvious that it’s coming since when I watched 2 Lava 2 Lantula, there’s a scene where Kyle discusses the craziness on Florida and he heard news that makes Florida Man blushed including a story involving a time machine. An guy who was an intern to Colton West mentioned time machine as a Florida story so I don’t know, I expect the sixth one now to be called Sharknado 666 and that the plot reveals that Lucifer is responsible for the continuous Sharknado craze. I might be wrong but if not, then it means that The Asylum has read my shit and that I think I need to go in hiding after that assumption.

Last point and this is hard but I’ll explain it. I like bad movies as much as the next guy and I’m a sucker when it comes to movies by Ed Wood, Uwe Boll, Tommy Wiseau, Neil Breen and so on. And when it comes to Sharknado, it makes me delay my time reviewing each one because honestly, I have low-to-no expectations and whenever I decide to go watch this one, I immediately change my mind and watch something else instead many times. I’m only a fan of the franchise when it comes to the first movie and Heart of Sharkness. Heck, maybe the first sequel as well but anything else is really getting me annoyed and  not amused that I am surprised that this franchise is still a thing.

So I do apologize if I might not review the sixth one next year but do keep in mind that I never say never in any case and somewhere down the road, I might look into the movie beyond 2018 and anything left in the franchise that shouldn’t exist. Heck, if Jeff Fahey or Nicolas Cage or Bruce Campbell is involved in the next one or later, I’ll might go back to it but it’s my site and I’m putting my foot down on this one. So in a week or two, I’ll look into the fifth one and with no delays and whether I’ll like it or not, it depends but I am losing my interest more and more on this series and wish to move on so uh, this is my say on the matter so hope you understand.

2 Lava 2 Lantula

August 6, 2017 § Leave a comment

I mention this plenty of times that I will be reviewing this and now I have seen 2 Lava 2 Lantula, a sequel to Lavalantula that has Steve Guttenberg fighting against giant spiders coming out of lava. And it is good timing given that Sharknado 5: Global Swarming is airing this month so is this sequel worth the wait and am I having a deja vu feeling that Lavalantula follows Sharknado’s path being that it over-spoof the sci-fi monster genre in a cheap, get-the-joke manner? Well, the short answer is that why is Sharknado getting another sequel and not this one instead? Really, That train is already gone.

Uh, I’ll save that for Sharknado 5 later this month. To recap the first movie, Steve plays Colton West, a washed-up action star who suddenly becomes an unlikely hero in Los Angeles as he foughts those fantastical spiders while saving his family and friends in the process. Thanks to that, his heroism is what puts him back in the spotlight so how does the sequel follow-up? Well, let’s just say it opens up with Guttenberg and Michael Winslow in police uniform.

Colton and Marty (Michael Winslow) are filming their role for Clown Cops in Florida with director Josh (Josh Sussman) in the chair. But with his stepdaughter Raya (Michele Weaver) in Florida, she and her friends are caught up in the second wave of Lavalantulas, she tries to escape along with Daniella (Lorynn York) and hide but not before they encounter TJ (RJ Walker) and Bruck (Erron Jay) whom is inspired by Colton’s actions to become heroes themselves. Colton, Marty and Colton’s intern Kyle (Jimmy Bellinger) decides to fight spiders again while Colton goes and get his daughter to safety.

However, it seems Colton has a bit of competition with Colonel Jester (Martin Kove) and his man appearing in Florida to destroy Lavalantulas by their own means which includes planning to drop a nuke on the mother of all Lavalantulas known as The Gargantulantula. After getting his stepdaughter and TJ to safely following the deaths of Daniella and Bruck, he meets up with TJ’s father Hal (Raymond Forchion) who knows how to fly a plane and helps Colton stop The Gargantulantula in a similar way he did in a previous movie except with the use of fire-retardant that Hal used earlier. Colton himself falls to The Gargantulantula’s location with a package of fire retardants and survives leaving a sequel that I wish would come out this year to be honest.

And really, it is a solid sequel but this is a surprising thing to add. It lampoons more properly than Sharknado did even with Steve doing his gritty action hero style which I honestly laugh at and has some good references from Dr Strangelove to Crocodile Dundee. There is minor negatives but it’s not impactful to say the least. Instead of , the movie is directed by Nick Simon and while I haven’t seen his other stuff, he did well for this movie so hope he’ll do good stuff in the future. And now, I am set to review yet another Sharknado movie but not before a couple of things coming along first.

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