Asylum Seeker: Sharknado 5 (Part 1)

August 22, 2017 § Leave a comment

Oh good god, I have seen Sharknado 5: Global Swarming and I can’t believe that I have to say this but uh, can I ignore what I wrote on my pre-review announcement and review the sixth one next year? Well, the sad answer is no because I do still stick with what I say and yeah, I will review the sixth one but I do need a break from this franchise. It might be just one year or two or three but there are other things I can do so there’s that.

And this might be the first but given that it’s a not a single parter, I’m doing something different. Not only am I recapping this movie but critique within the recap rather than after it and I don’t know if I have done this before but after years of me starting the review with me talking about the director or somebody else to recap the movie to my thoughts about it. I do feel it needs a change of pace but not straight away so I am trying my best to make a review that’s not as much messy as The Apocalypse. And to start this review off is my first cringeworthy moment being this logo screenshot.

We open with Nova (Cassie Scerbo) and her so-called “Sharknado Girls” team-mates as she goes to a cave that’s located near Stonehenge and discover drawings indicate that Sharknado was a thing in pre-historic times. Meanwhile in London, Fin, April and Gilbert Jr (Ian Ziering, Tara Reid & Billy Barratt) are greeted to MI6 Headquarters by Chris Kattan as a secret agent-turned-prime minister. Yes, Cocky Romano is now a leader of the United Kingdom and with an English accent.

While meeting up with Llewelyn (Clay Aiken, and nice 007 name reference there) and Ms Moore (Samantha Fox), Fin gets a call from Nova to come to the cave and he indeed went there. Llewelyn is showing April and Gil some gadgets and gave Gil a shark-like hat that somewhat protects him. Fin and Nova wander through the cave and discovers drawings of a earlier Sharknado happening and the artifact so in case you don’t get the obvious Indiana Jones-like logo in the beginning, they decide to take the artifact and replace it with something of a similar weight and this is a thing that is happening – both Fin and Nova unintentionally caused a mystical Sharknado event to occur. Okay, with that, I now see why Fin keeps sensing and fighting a tornado full of sharks.

Fin alerted April and he and Nova decides to go back to the UK with April and Gil on the bridge all while Prime Minister Cocky Romano (and I’m sticking by that name) got one of his legs chopped off while he fights the sharks. Nova took a double-decker bus to the Buckingham palace which hits Bret Michaels but he survives for a couple of minutes by playing a guitar solo before a shark took him. Upon reaching the palace, Fin charges all the English soldiers to attack sharks before he gets inside, stopped the shark while riding it, took a crown that’s inside it and give it to a queen that’s played by Spanish actress Charo. And then another animated opening credit montage twenty minutes within the movie.

Okay, a bit of pause for the moment and this is so far the most ridiculous twenty minutes I have ever seen. While I still have a lot to go through, this is really the most bat-shit way to start a Sharknado movie. I mean, why is Chris Kattan and Clay Aiken in this as British characters including Charo who hasn’t said a line? Then again, I shouldn’t answer it because this is just a tip of an iceberg on the most baffling cameos I ever seen. Just you wait till we get to the Italy portion of the movie.

Getting back and I forgot to mention that Gil killed a shark with his shark hat but not before he got taken by a Sharknado which he manages to survive so what does Fin, April and Nova to do? Go to a nearby NATO meeting with Nichelle Nichols playing one of them. Okay, that is one of the cameos that kind of make better sense. Prime Minister Cocky Romano appears blaming Fin for this but Sharknado appears killing him and others in the process and Dance Moms‘ Abbey Lee Miller helps the three getting to Hindenberg XP 3000 (yes, they question the name) which is piloted by entrepreneur Dr. Angel (Geraldo Rivera).

Dr. Angel got killed and they ended up in Switzerland with Sasha Cohen nearby killing few sharks with her skates before she’s gone to the celebrity cameo dead pool. And what happens next? They hatched a plan to get Gil away from the tornado by having April becoming a tornado herself. Sure, why not? Meanwhile in Kansas, Matt Shepard (Cody Linley) is building to hide him and others in along with Steven Beck (Russell Hodgkinson). Matt is calling up Fin about what’s going on and notice a storm is coming but anyway, let’s get back to Fin and the others. As the three got into the Sharknado, they try to retrieve Gil but instead got into some strange purple lightning wormhole that landed them in Sydney.

And I hate to do this but there’s more to go so may as well stopped here, I may as well have to stop here because the next one is under fifty minutes worth of material left and there is a lot to talk about. So far, this sequel kind of ups the ante with the cameos, parodic references and other stuff that forever baffles me. Surprisingly, I didn’t hate it but I have the feeling that I regret the pre-review announcement but I am keeping my word.

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