Asylum Seeker: Sharknado 5 (Part 2)

September 2, 2017 § Leave a comment

Yeah, still reviewing this movie. But before that, Sharknado 5 is indeed somewhat differed to the previous four because while the four were written by Thunder Levin, this one is written by Scotty Mullen who was in Sharknado: Heart of Sharkness as himself and as Jackie Collins’ escort in Sharknado 3. He does have other writing credit like The Fast And The Fierce and Zoombies so does this answer on why I think the series starts to pick up again? I don’t know but hey, anything is possible.

Returning to the movie with Fin, April and Nova in Sydney in which they got quickly rescued by a helicopter while they’re in a sea full of few sharks but not before one of the sharks have bitten April’s lower half of her body but survived of course. And then we got cut to Today Australia with Karl Stefanovic and Lisa Wilkinson reporting on weather alert. And oh god, for a movie series in which every character acts straight even if they are playing themselves. Both Karl and Lisa acted horribly and it’s not because I don’t like them, it’s really them as if they are acting for the first time ever in a Tommy Wiseau manner.

The three got taken to the Sharknado Sisters HQ which is of all places Sydney Opera House and April is getting rebuilt by Orion (Olivia Newton-John) and Electra (Chloe Lattanzi). I do give it this, Olivia as a good mad scientist seems to fit and she seems to know that she’s in a bad movie rather than being unaware like in Xanadu or Two Of A Kind. Fin argues with Nova about the fact she mentioned Fin’s cousin Gemini (Masila Lusha) being part of her team.

Speaking of Gemini, she’s in a boat near China trying to stop the contamination of radioactive waste while stopping the attack. It didn’t work out exactly as thought obviously. Back to Sydney and April is now rebuilt and revamped as uh, a Paris Hilton wannabe! Fin likes it but wait, a tornado has appeared in Sydney and Orion is transforming the Opera House as a defense system with Karl and Lisa still reporting it in a poor acting way. One of the Opera House shell barriers didn’t work so Orion called in a secret weapon to fix it manually – Tony Hawk aka The Hawk!

The Hawk fixed it of course and the house is shooting the tornado with lasers and flying shell barriers, all while Fin and April catches up to retrieve their son by bungee jumping. The two didn’t and somehow ended up in Brazil with Rodolfo (John Hennigan) in front of them helping them but not before being followed by Zico (Greg Louganis). Rodolfo takes them to Vega (Tiffany Pollard) who explains the artifact as being a security system that protects the world from further sharknadoes. However, the artifact has been taken away and Fin is driving after Zico which transports them from Brazil to Italy through the vortex, with the car being protected by Christ the Redeemer statue.

The chase is still on and Fin fought Zico in the colosseum. Fin got the artifact back and they continue to follow the tornado but their car is out of gas and the tornado disappears. With Fin being angry, April has an idea which is to use coins in the wishing well (?) and they got help from Consigliere (Downtown Julie Brown) who takes them to quite possibly the most ridiculous, funniest cameo I have ever seen… which is Fabio as the Pope!

I… just… don’t know! This is the kind of cameo that makes me think what the casting director is smoking. And it’s not just that, Pope Fabio gave Fin a holy chainsaw which makes him stop doubting himself. Oh, and we cut to Okinawa with Simone (Margaret Cho) and Peter (Jai Rodriguez) having a honeymoon but a radioactive flood full of sharks killed them. After Fabio’s cameo, it’s followed by the weakest one so their cameo is pointless. Gemini mentioned that the flood is heading to Japan. Back in Italy, Fin and April have a plan to chase the tornado vortex again and they used the artifact for it.

The plan is that April holds the rope with her superhuman strength while Fin goes in the tornado and get his son back but again, it didn’t work and the two ended up in Tokyo. They are still chasing but the flood appears near them and one of the civilians called it Sharkzilla (of course). And we are back in Kansas with Matt and Steven about to get in the shelter but Steven notices something on his cell phone that involves Sharkzilla obviously. They cut to Today with Kathie Lee Gifford, Al Roker and Hoda Kotb reporting (again, of course). Back in Japan and it seems Pokémon Go is a good game to destroy the sharks… seriously!

Nova and her team arrive to save Gil by she died with Sharkzilla being defeated. Not a great plan really but yeah, a fan-favorite character died even by dressing up like an action heroine. It’s not over as sharknado begins appearing across the world including Africa with Gilbert Gottfried returned as Mac from It’s Always Sunny. Okay, he’s actually returning as Ron McDonald but hey, gonna mention a show that also involves a Ronald McDonald anyway. The shelter in Kansas didn’t work and both Matt, Steve and the other members of Shepard family are dead, with Fin hearing about it on Matt’s phone.

It seems Fin and April are left in the family and the two are about to return the artifact in Stonehenge but they instead ended up in Egypt and Fin sees heliographics involving sharks (yeah, this is getting ridiculous) before placing the crystal key within the artifact to its place. The door opens and they see equipment that presumably ends sharknado for good. He succeed it and Fin gets a call from Gemini who’s still alive. However, the stop is short-lived as the wheels are turning back and causes further sharknadoes killing everybody in sight.

Fin jams the wheel and it didn’t work causing an apocalyptic happening. April attempts to stop the vortex within the tornado while Fin tries to stop the coming tsunami and then, April went super saiyan on us. No really, she exhausts her power levels by flaming on which results to sacrificing herself and the plan worked. Fin survived and discovers April’s head which means yeah, she’s dead so Fin is officially the last of the Shepards. Honestly, this movie is taking a dark turn and it would be something if the movie ended like this but we got a few minutes left so what I’m gonna say next is mind-boggling.

Fin is walking alone from Egypt to India to Seattle finding survivors but nothing has been found until he ended up in Russian with a car driving near him and Fin discovers his son has grown up to be Dolph Lundgren! I am not shitting you about this, Ivan Drago is Steve Sander’s son! So Adult Gil reveals to Fin that he’s a time traveler and the vortex also involves time travel. The movie is then concluded with a Back to the Future “To Be Continued” logo appearing and the two are about to travel back and save the family once and for all. Again, I am not shitting you.

It is a bit sad that I’m not reviewing Sharknado 6 next year. Granted, I will watch it but this movie is an epic in crack fic proportions. For a movie series that has its ups and downs, I thought this sequel is gonna suck but it topped it big time and I just can’t fathom why it went to this kind of ridiculous level in terms of storytelling, dialogue, special effects and casting choices. It may be a bad movie but it’s a first good sequel since Sharknado 2 and maybe Sharknado 6 will be the last of the series, the ending coda in this movie felt like it’s setting up to one more movie but who knows. Well, I am done my part on this movie so next time, I’ll look into something else.

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