Asylum Seeker: Sharknado 5 (Part 2)

September 2, 2017 § Leave a comment

Yeah, still reviewing this movie. But before that, Sharknado 5 is indeed somewhat differed to the previous four because while the four were written by Thunder Levin, this one is written by Scotty Mullen who was in Sharknado: Heart of Sharkness as himself and as Jackie Collins’ escort in Sharknado 3. He does have other writing credit like The Fast And The Fierce and Zoombies so does this answer on why I think the series starts to pick up again? I don’t know but hey, anything is possible.

Returning to the movie with Fin, April and Nova in Sydney in which they got quickly rescued by a helicopter while they’re in a sea full of few sharks but not before one of the sharks have bitten April’s lower half of her body but survived of course. And then we got cut to Today Australia with Karl Stefanovic and Lisa Wilkinson reporting on weather alert. And oh god, for a movie series in which every character acts straight even if they are playing themselves. Both Karl and Lisa acted horribly and it’s not because I don’t like them, it’s really them as if they are acting for the first time ever in a Tommy Wiseau manner.

The three got taken to the Sharknado Sisters HQ which is of all places Sydney Opera House and April is getting rebuilt by Orion (Olivia Newton-John) and Electra (Chloe Lattanzi). I do give it this, Olivia as a good mad scientist seems to fit and she seems to know that she’s in a bad movie rather than being unaware like in Xanadu or Two Of A Kind. Fin argues with Nova about the fact she mentioned Fin’s cousin Gemini (Masila Lusha) being part of her team.

Speaking of Gemini, she’s in a boat near China trying to stop the contamination of radioactive waste while stopping the attack. It didn’t work out exactly as thought obviously. Back to Sydney and April is now rebuilt and revamped as uh, a Paris Hilton wannabe! Fin likes it but wait, a tornado has appeared in Sydney and Orion is transforming the Opera House as a defense system with Karl and Lisa still reporting it in a poor acting way. One of the Opera House shell barriers didn’t work so Orion called in a secret weapon to fix it manually – Tony Hawk aka The Hawk!

The Hawk fixed it of course and the house is shooting the tornado with lasers and flying shell barriers, all while Fin and April catches up to retrieve their son by bungee jumping. The two didn’t and somehow ended up in Brazil with Rodolfo (John Hennigan) in front of them helping them but not before being followed by Zico (Greg Louganis). Rodolfo takes them to Vega (Tiffany Pollard) who explains the artifact as being a security system that protects the world from further sharknadoes. However, the artifact has been taken away and Fin is driving after Zico which transports them from Brazil to Italy through the vortex, with the car being protected by Christ the Redeemer statue.

The chase is still on and Fin fought Zico in the colosseum. Fin got the artifact back and they continue to follow the tornado but their car is out of gas and the tornado disappears. With Fin being angry, April has an idea which is to use coins in the wishing well (?) and they got help from Consigliere (Downtown Julie Brown) who takes them to quite possibly the most ridiculous, funniest cameo I have ever seen… which is Fabio as the Pope!

I… just… don’t know! This is the kind of cameo that makes me think what the casting director is smoking. And it’s not just that, Pope Fabio gave Fin a holy chainsaw which makes him stop doubting himself. Oh, and we cut to Okinawa with Simone (Margaret Cho) and Peter (Jai Rodriguez) having a honeymoon but a radioactive flood full of sharks killed them. After Fabio’s cameo, it’s followed by the weakest one so their cameo is pointless. Gemini mentioned that the flood is heading to Japan. Back in Italy, Fin and April have a plan to chase the tornado vortex again and they used the artifact for it.

The plan is that April holds the rope with her superhuman strength while Fin goes in the tornado and get his son back but again, it didn’t work and the two ended up in Tokyo. They are still chasing but the flood appears near them and one of the civilians called it Sharkzilla (of course). And we are back in Kansas with Matt and Steven about to get in the shelter but Steven notices something on his cell phone that involves Sharkzilla obviously. They cut to Today with Kathie Lee Gifford, Al Roker and Hoda Kotb reporting (again, of course). Back in Japan and it seems Pokémon Go is a good game to destroy the sharks… seriously!

Nova and her team arrive to save Gil by she died with Sharkzilla being defeated. Not a great plan really but yeah, a fan-favorite character died even by dressing up like an action heroine. It’s not over as sharknado begins appearing across the world including Africa with Gilbert Gottfried returned as Mac from It’s Always Sunny. Okay, he’s actually returning as Ron McDonald but hey, gonna mention a show that also involves a Ronald McDonald anyway. The shelter in Kansas didn’t work and both Matt, Steve and the other members of Shepard family are dead, with Fin hearing about it on Matt’s phone.

It seems Fin and April are left in the family and the two are about to return the artifact in Stonehenge but they instead ended up in Egypt and Fin sees heliographics involving sharks (yeah, this is getting ridiculous) before placing the crystal key within the artifact to its place. The door opens and they see equipment that presumably ends sharknado for good. He succeed it and Fin gets a call from Gemini who’s still alive. However, the stop is short-lived as the wheels are turning back and causes further sharknadoes killing everybody in sight.

Fin jams the wheel and it didn’t work causing an apocalyptic happening. April attempts to stop the vortex within the tornado while Fin tries to stop the coming tsunami and then, April went super saiyan on us. No really, she exhausts her power levels by flaming on which results to sacrificing herself and the plan worked. Fin survived and discovers April’s head which means yeah, she’s dead so Fin is officially the last of the Shepards. Honestly, this movie is taking a dark turn and it would be something if the movie ended like this but we got a few minutes left so what I’m gonna say next is mind-boggling.

Fin is walking alone from Egypt to India to Seattle finding survivors but nothing has been found until he ended up in Russian with a car driving near him and Fin discovers his son has grown up to be Dolph Lundgren! I am not shitting you about this, Ivan Drago is Steve Sander’s son! So Adult Gil reveals to Fin that he’s a time traveler and the vortex also involves time travel. The movie is then concluded with a Back to the Future “To Be Continued” logo appearing and the two are about to travel back and save the family once and for all. Again, I am not shitting you.

It is a bit sad that I’m not reviewing Sharknado 6 next year. Granted, I will watch it but this movie is an epic in crack fic proportions. For a movie series that has its ups and downs, I thought this sequel is gonna suck but it topped it big time and I just can’t fathom why it went to this kind of ridiculous level in terms of storytelling, dialogue, special effects and casting choices. It may be a bad movie but it’s a first good sequel since Sharknado 2 and maybe Sharknado 6 will be the last of the series, the ending coda in this movie felt like it’s setting up to one more movie but who knows. Well, I am done my part on this movie so next time, I’ll look into something else.

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Asylum Seeker: Sharknado 5 (Part 1)

August 22, 2017 § Leave a comment

Oh good god, I have seen Sharknado 5: Global Swarming and I can’t believe that I have to say this but uh, can I ignore what I wrote on my pre-review announcement and review the sixth one next year? Well, the sad answer is no because I do still stick with what I say and yeah, I will review the sixth one but I do need a break from this franchise. It might be just one year or two or three but there are other things I can do so there’s that.

And this might be the first but given that it’s a not a single parter, I’m doing something different. Not only am I recapping this movie but critique within the recap rather than after it and I don’t know if I have done this before but after years of me starting the review with me talking about the director or somebody else to recap the movie to my thoughts about it. I do feel it needs a change of pace but not straight away so I am trying my best to make a review that’s not as much messy as The Apocalypse. And to start this review off is my first cringeworthy moment being this logo screenshot.

We open with Nova (Cassie Scerbo) and her so-called “Sharknado Girls” team-mates as she goes to a cave that’s located near Stonehenge and discover drawings indicate that Sharknado was a thing in pre-historic times. Meanwhile in London, Fin, April and Gilbert Jr (Ian Ziering, Tara Reid & Billy Barratt) are greeted to MI6 Headquarters by Chris Kattan as a secret agent-turned-prime minister. Yes, Cocky Romano is now a leader of the United Kingdom and with an English accent.

While meeting up with Llewelyn (Clay Aiken, and nice 007 name reference there) and Ms Moore (Samantha Fox), Fin gets a call from Nova to come to the cave and he indeed went there. Llewelyn is showing April and Gil some gadgets and gave Gil a shark-like hat that somewhat protects him. Fin and Nova wander through the cave and discovers drawings of a earlier Sharknado happening and the artifact so in case you don’t get the obvious Indiana Jones-like logo in the beginning, they decide to take the artifact and replace it with something of a similar weight and this is a thing that is happening – both Fin and Nova unintentionally caused a mystical Sharknado event to occur. Okay, with that, I now see why Fin keeps sensing and fighting a tornado full of sharks.

Fin alerted April and he and Nova decides to go back to the UK with April and Gil on the bridge all while Prime Minister Cocky Romano (and I’m sticking by that name) got one of his legs chopped off while he fights the sharks. Nova took a double-decker bus to the Buckingham palace which hits Bret Michaels but he survives for a couple of minutes by playing a guitar solo before a shark took him. Upon reaching the palace, Fin charges all the English soldiers to attack sharks before he gets inside, stopped the shark while riding it, took a crown that’s inside it and give it to a queen that’s played by Spanish actress Charo. And then another animated opening credit montage twenty minutes within the movie.

Okay, a bit of pause for the moment and this is so far the most ridiculous twenty minutes I have ever seen. While I still have a lot to go through, this is really the most bat-shit way to start a Sharknado movie. I mean, why is Chris Kattan and Clay Aiken in this as British characters including Charo who hasn’t said a line? Then again, I shouldn’t answer it because this is just a tip of an iceberg on the most baffling cameos I ever seen. Just you wait till we get to the Italy portion of the movie.

Getting back and I forgot to mention that Gil killed a shark with his shark hat but not before he got taken by a Sharknado which he manages to survive so what does Fin, April and Nova to do? Go to a nearby NATO meeting with Nichelle Nichols playing one of them. Okay, that is one of the cameos that kind of make better sense. Prime Minister Cocky Romano appears blaming Fin for this but Sharknado appears killing him and others in the process and Dance Moms‘ Abbey Lee Miller helps the three getting to Hindenberg XP 3000 (yes, they question the name) which is piloted by entrepreneur Dr. Angel (Geraldo Rivera).

Dr. Angel got killed and they ended up in Switzerland with Sasha Cohen nearby killing few sharks with her skates before she’s gone to the celebrity cameo dead pool. And what happens next? They hatched a plan to get Gil away from the tornado by having April becoming a tornado herself. Sure, why not? Meanwhile in Kansas, Matt Shepard (Cody Linley) is building to hide him and others in along with Steven Beck (Russell Hodgkinson). Matt is calling up Fin about what’s going on and notice a storm is coming but anyway, let’s get back to Fin and the others. As the three got into the Sharknado, they try to retrieve Gil but instead got into some strange purple lightning wormhole that landed them in Sydney.

And I hate to do this but there’s more to go so may as well stopped here, I may as well have to stop here because the next one is under fifty minutes worth of material left and there is a lot to talk about. So far, this sequel kind of ups the ante with the cameos, parodic references and other stuff that forever baffles me. Surprisingly, I didn’t hate it but I have the feeling that I regret the pre-review announcement but I am keeping my word.

Sharknado 5 (Pre-Review Announcement)

August 7, 2017 § Leave a comment

Today is the day Sharknado 5: Global Swarming airs on SyFy and while I have yet to watch and review it, I thought I should make a Pre-Review announcement regarding this movie and the franchise itself and the announcement is a hard one but I must say it so the news about it is this, I think I’m retiring myself from reviewing the franchise after this movie and for a number of reasons that I hope it’s understandable.

While I’m trying not to go repetitive on what I said before, I mention a bunch of times about my dislikeness that Sharknado is becoming a parody of its genre but I do have understanding on it thanks to me looking at Sharknado: Feeding Frenzy. However, I now felt that the parody route they are going for is way overexposed and repetitive on this. I honestly thought it was having three movies but the fourth one is kind of pushing it and now we have a fifth one and possibly more.

There’s more to parody route and again, it goes to overexposure but this movie is already known for being a celebrity cameo deathpool. The first movie kind of have it with Cousin Oliver being the first case and then we have a sequel that includes Kelly Osbourne, Robert Hays, Perez Hilton and even Jared Fogle fallen to their sharkbites. Everybody who’s famous, infamous or formerly famous wants in the action after it and it is really getting sad. While not seeing the fifth at this time of writing, I found out Nichelle Nichols, Chris Kattan and Today Australia’s Karl Stefanovic is in this. Seriously, Karl Stefanovic? The guy who he himself said that he’s the Donald Trump of Breakfast TV? Uh, fuck this shit.

The third point is that the franchise is really losing steam and while the fifth now focuses on Sharknadoes throughout the world, I have to wonder what point is there to this? The third one has peaked when Fin, April and Gil going to Space so what is there to go beyond it? Uh, I do also heard that the fifth one might involve time travel or something so I’m not sure but then again, I do find it obvious that it’s coming since when I watched 2 Lava 2 Lantula, there’s a scene where Kyle discusses the craziness on Florida and he heard news that makes Florida Man blushed including a story involving a time machine. An guy who was an intern to Colton West mentioned time machine as a Florida story so I don’t know, I expect the sixth one now to be called Sharknado 666 and that the plot reveals that Lucifer is responsible for the continuous Sharknado craze. I might be wrong but if not, then it means that The Asylum has read my shit and that I think I need to go in hiding after that assumption.

Last point and this is hard but I’ll explain it. I like bad movies as much as the next guy and I’m a sucker when it comes to movies by Ed Wood, Uwe Boll, Tommy Wiseau, Neil Breen and so on. And when it comes to Sharknado, it makes me delay my time reviewing each one because honestly, I have low-to-no expectations and whenever I decide to go watch this one, I immediately change my mind and watch something else instead many times. I’m only a fan of the franchise when it comes to the first movie and Heart of Sharkness. Heck, maybe the first sequel as well but anything else is really getting me annoyed and  not amused that I am surprised that this franchise is still a thing.

So I do apologize if I might not review the sixth one next year but do keep in mind that I never say never in any case and somewhere down the road, I might look into the movie beyond 2018 and anything left in the franchise that shouldn’t exist. Heck, if Jeff Fahey or Nicolas Cage or Bruce Campbell is involved in the next one or later, I’ll might go back to it but it’s my site and I’m putting my foot down on this one. So in a week or two, I’ll look into the fifth one and with no delays and whether I’ll like it or not, it depends but I am losing my interest more and more on this series and wish to move on so uh, this is my say on the matter so hope you understand.

Asylum Seeker: Avenging Force – The Scarab

October 13, 2016 § Leave a comment

Getting to Avenging Force: The Scarab and I do have to wonder if that is a good name for the team of heroes that appeared in all those TomCat Films I reviewed that involves them. It might make sense but upon watching this movie, the case is that the team involves the characters within this movie and not Metal Man, The Black Bat and Agent Beetle. Come to think of it, why is the version of Blue Beetle called himself “AGENT Beetle” since he’s actually a former cop who has no agency backing him up so um, would Codename: Beetle be a better title for that movie?

agent-beetle

I am so going off a tangent but going back and I do wanna discuss a bit more about Brett Kelly. The first thing is that he himself is a actor on his own movies and I don’t mean by “director cameos” standards, he is listed as the star of his movies like My Dead Girlfriend and Kingdom Of The Vampire. The second is that he has his own company called Brett Kelly Entertainment which is cute but there is hardly entertaining value in Agent Beetle. The third and last thing is that he has a extensive list of movies that I looked at and it makes me wanna say this so fuck it, I’m making a separate category tag involving his name because I have yet to look at Jurassic Shark… and SpyFall which is now a running gag so sunuvabitch.

jurassic-shark

Now we get to the movie and we start the film in space (no, I’m not doing capital letter screaming), we have a mysterious narrator talking about space and whether aliens existed before it cuts to Cairo in 2600 BCE being hit by a small CGI asteroid. Following the long credits, we meet Professor Joab (Jurgen Vollrath) in modern day South America as he gets away from the mob of bounty hunters who shot Joab’s collegue in the jungle. As Joab got away and traveled back to his home, we then gone to N.E.D.O.R. Headquarters when Rose (Alix Pasquet) has been contacted by General Carter (Mark Redfield) who gave her a mission to stop The Sphinx (Jody Haucke) from retrieving the Scarab and rule the world with his two partners – Mystic (Jennifer Barnes) and Lady Satan (Angela Parent).

general-carter

We then meet up with the movie’s hero, Professor Peter Ward (Mark Courneyea) who has stumbled onto the action after he meets Joab and Joab’s bodyguard Bart Hill (Andre Givogue). He is saved by Rose who goes by The Woman In Red and together they want to unravel the mystery and retrieve the Scarab while not getting into the Sphinx’s thugs including hired bountry hunter The Black Terror (John E. McLenachan) who later decides to work with Peter and Red. After discovering the scarab, Peter becomes the hero himself and the three fought off The Sphinx and the thugs before the movie ends with The Sphinx being sentenced to an eternity of pain in space and The Scarab, The Woman in Red, The Black Terror and Bart Hill who becomes mute and go by Double Dare (because Daredevil is already a named character in Marvel) and thanks to Carter whose codename is Fighting Yank, they form themselves as Avenging Force and fight crime.

avenging-force

Earlier this week, I brought up if this movie is as equally boring and bad as Agent Beetle and my verdict is this – it is bad in a low-budget superhero movie manner but it is however not boring. In fact, this is probably the most consistent superhero movie that TomCat and Brett has ever done. There is a bit of filler sequence here and there but the funny thing is that the movie is only seventy minutes long with credits so taking those out, this is the shortest superhero movie I ever reviewed. And Brett at least give The Scarab and other public domain superheroes previously published by Nedor their moment to shine, even Bart Hill who may be hardly in the movie but he did have good fighting style and didn’t half-ass his acting.

space

The other actors in fact did well and the best ones are Alix who gives good exposition, Jody because he chewed the scenery big time and John who is a funny but unintentional mix of The Punisher and Captain Boomerang right down to acting a bit like Australian, he’s one of the best parts of the movie. And Mark did try his best as The Scarab, at first I thought he’s gonna be monotone and it shows during his introduction but he manage to act his way in so kudos to him for that. The story is usual Superhero fare, the script has few funny dialogue and it felt like I’m watching a proper superhero movie so this is worth checking out.

the-terror

However, the movie may be worth checking out but only by seeing-it-once kind of deal because there is better ways to interpret Nedor superheroes even by crossing over standards, comics like Alan Moore’s Terra Obscura and Alex Ross’ Project: Superpowers featured them and in a good storytelling feel. My proper suggestion is to check these comics first and then look at the movie because I read Tom Strong and Terra Obscura and know these characters first and Alan Moore did justice because he knows superhero history like the back of his read. I read a bit of Project: Superpowers as well and Alex gives his unique take so go by the comics and the movie. There, I’m done with this and I got one more left but it’s gonna be a while so next time… I have to watch Sucker Punch! I hope whatever after this might be a good Halloween fodder but then again, I don’t have much planned so this might have to do unless I thought of something so until next time.

Asylum Seeker: Agent Beetle

October 9, 2016 § Leave a comment

Given that there are only three superhero mockbusters by TomCat Films that I have yet to see and criticize, it gives me time to think which one I should look at for this “Nostalgia Lookback” review. On one hand, I’m thinking the one with Thor but since Thor: Ragnarok will be released in the future, I thought of saving that one and maybe that other Thor movie with that Home Improvement kid. So it now with two left, is the one focusing on the golden age Blue Beetle that is used by DC comics but not a whole or The Scarab which is not the weapon used by Blue Beetle but a totally different public domain character.

both

Hmm, both this week? Makes better sense since after this and Thor, I would be free of TomCat films that involves people in mask and costumes (but not free of other crap). So going with Agent Beetle first, let’s look at the director of this piece. Uh, not much about Brett Kelly really since well, he’s the director of movies I brought up in past reviews. Really, I mention his three directorial works Avenging Force: The Scarab, Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor and… uh, SpyFall! Come On, that’s the second review I mention that spoof. He did do other stuff including an Iron Man knockoff known as Iron Soldier and I might not be looking at that one because it may be distributed by TomCat Films but it’s not made by them.

iron-soldier

After getting caught, rookie detective Dan Garret (Daniel Lavigne) is in prison and presumed dead to the public but he instead became one of the subjects to a program set up by Dr Lilith (Jennifer Vallance) that involves convicts given powers and strength by chemicals but only if the convicts work for the doctor. After accepting to the experiment, he escapes from the company and decide to don the suit of The Beetle to stop Lilith and her goons which includes Widow (Christine Emes), Roach (Duncan Milloy), Mantis (Celine Filion) and Stinger (Mike Kosowan).

villains

Meanwhile, Beetle’s actions drew the attention of Julie Spencer (Emanuelle Carriere) who was Dan’s ex-girlfriend and reporter who wanted Beetle to be brought into justice but finds that Lilith and her pharmaceutical company H.I.V.E. are well, you get the picture. Now, it looks like another typical superhero movie with the usual origin set-up and the villainy. However, this brings something that I should point this out. I am very glad I’m not gonna watch this movie after this review because oh god, this might be the worst one TomCat has ever done so far and a very boring one as well.

beetle

It has similar beats to the previous mockbusters like the schlocky production, the hammy acting, reused shorts (including a CGI animated scene of the city) and weak costumes. It even includes a bikini contest scene which I have to wonder, have I already seen that in The Black Bat Rises? Huh, I bet The Scarab or Thor might involve stripper bar as well. And look at it this way, I didn’t hate the movie. I brought up that it’s boring and it really is but not for the fact that it looks like any other TomCat film but for the fact that it’s very slow and dragging along that the bikini contest scene went on for like five minutes. For a movie that’s near its 80 minute mark, it felt like I watched it for three hours.

city

But I hate to say this, there is a few positives here. One is that some had tried to act including Daniel Lavigne but they are overshadowed by others who act hammy including and Christine Emes. In fact and this is just me but Christine has the strong Amazonian look going and her character’s attitude of seducing either man or woman really is something here. That, and I think I have my first mockbuster celebrity crush so that’s strange.

widow

Overall, this movie is not worth it even if you wanna binge-watch all those superhero movies done by the company so skip this one even if you’re a massive Blue Beetle fan like Lewis Lovhaug. So now, I got The Scarab and the only thing I should wonder is I hope it’s not boring and bad but I can be wrong on this.

Asylum Seeker: Invasion Of The Pod People

April 19, 2016 § Leave a comment

Ever since I started reviewing, I start it out as a request-type thing but grew out into a mixture of several Asylum movies, few awful television episodes and even a set of movies made by two people who I am not bringing up since hey, I’m already done with their shit. Wait, did the last one broke my “persona non grata” rule? Uh, I’m not going further on this. But anyway, the movie I reviewed got me thinking about nostalgia and this year, I thought it’s best to look back over my past material by reviewing new stuff that’s related to it one way or another. In other words, this year is the “nostalgia lookback” to many stuff I reviewed before including crap like The Apocalypse.

The Apocalypse
So to start this kind of journey, I already brought up The Apocalypse so a movie by Justin Jones I guess. The movie of course is Invasion of the Pod People and let me tell you, this is one mockbuster to The Invasion which is a dumb, forgettable re-adaptation of Invasion of the Body Snatchers so it’s better to stick with the three previous adaptations instead. But if anything, it doesn’t have the word “apocalypse” in the title… and that it doesn’t have Rhett Giles in it so that’s a good thing, right?

Officer Barnes
The movie begins with the usual flying objects in space that you seen in Asylum movies at that time (no really, I’ve seen that shot before) before it cuts to the usual establishing shot of Los Angeles skyline (again, seen that shot before). We then meet with Melissa (Erica Roby) who’s watching the news about the asteroid attacks and she is really going by her business by going outside to watch the meteor showers. So yeah, falling rocks that might destroy Earth… eh, nothing interesting to her. And all of a sudden, it cuts to Melissa having sex with Andrew (David Shick) in a different building.

Flying Things
Melissa then drives and notice a strange guy in the path but ignores it and went on to the meeting with her boss Vickland (Michael Tower) and the conversation makes all the characters unlikable already. They’re talking about Taylor (Shaley Scott) who’s a model and we cut to Taylor being a model with a prima donna kind of attitude. Following that, Bailey (Lorraine Smith) enters Melissa’s office and gave her a strange-looking plant so Melissa could give it to her boss Samantha (Jessica Bork).

Plant
The plant (or plants) begin to give strange effects as one has transformed into a doppelgänger of Taylor while Taylor herself is calling the cops who strangely knows her name. The two Taylors meet and let’s just say the original copy is dead. Back to Melissa and she is having sex with Andrew again. Truly it’s a good time to do that given that we live in an age where… I don’t know… how about that Internet is already full of porn?

Sex Scene 1
Melissa discuss her relationship-of-sorts with Andrew and it plays out like a soap opera joke. Later that night, Melissa hears something strange and checks in to see what’s that noise. And surprise, that stranger in the streets she saw earlier sneakily appears with a guy and talks about what is going on before he shoots himself. The following morning, Melissa is driving to the streets like nothing happened before she notices the dead guy standing and… again, she’s driving like nothing happened! She then ends up on a pawn shop to check on the gun.

Gun
Melissa is back at her house with Bailey and they talked about Samantha and whatnot. Bailey then explains that Andrew might be hiding a skeleton in his closet and Melissa may check on what he’s hiding. And we then cut to Samantha snorting cocaine with the plant near her. She calls her boyfriend and argue about their relation before the plan takes form of Samantha. The following day and Melissa is meeting up with Detective Pete (Marat Glazer) about the dead guy Zach (Leigh Scott) and it brings up connections to her and the place she works.

Detective
Melissa is meeting with Samantha (well, a doppelgänger but moving on) and she’s beginning to come on to Melissa while being strangely happy (ain’t that obvious to why). Following it and Vickland talks to her about ideas while being angry and bossy. It’s night and Melissa and Samantha is having girl’s night out with Taylor and Melissa is finding it strange. And then we cut to Samantha’s house which involves… Melissa kissing Samantha and having sex while Taylor and a couple of other girls are having a threesome!

Sex Scene 2
Melissa wakes up wondering what she did last night and then tries to destroy the plant which strangely screams before putting a knife containing the plant’s blood for packaged evidence. Melissa is meeting with the detective and they talk about what’s going on (while background noises are louder than their dialogue) while giving him the evidence. Melissa then drives and noticing Andrew with his wife while seeing flowers that appeared in her place for unknown reason. Melissa is then talking to Andrew over the phone and Andrew brought up that Melissa was with Samantha and others the previous night which got her puzzled.

Plant 2
Taylor appeared at her door and she continues being puzzled. After Taylor gives her plant and exits, Melissa’s friend and co-worker Billie (Danae Nason) quits her job and finds the whole thing strange as well. Melissa then discuss the whole plot to Billie first and then Louise before Louise is revealed to be one of the pod people. She escapes and Vickland shoots Louise which makes him not one of the pod people. Vickland makes a phone call which makes him paranoid and then another Vickland enters with Billie being captive.

Vickland
So it leads to Melissa holding the gun to one Vickland and accidentally shoots him before she gives the gun to another Vickland and he kills himself (not in that way) and whoops, Melissa is fooled with shooting the wrong Vickland as he and Billie are part of the collective (that, and she is dumb enough to know which is which since she would have known that the Vickland she didn’t shoot acts very alien). Billie then pleads Melissa to touch the plant but surprise Detective Pete enters and he’s also part of it… or not since he’s faking it by shooting the pod people members. Melissa and Pete escapes and Billie appears (the one who is human by the way) to join them.

Billie
The three hatches a plan to destroy all the plants and its pod people and it leads to Melissa packing her stuff before Andrew (the pod people one) appears which has her pointing the gun at him and shoots him. She then picks Billie up and Billie then gets a call from… the real Melissa! The call leads to Melissa herself being captured and Billie is afraid so the movie ends with her encountering another doppelgänger of herself and she screams which not really echoes Donald Sutherland’s alien scream in the 1978 adaptation of Invasion of the Body Snatchers but hey, this is how it ends.

Scream
Okay, this is not really good and it does remind me more of Asylum movies I watched around that time period instead of ones involving Zombies and Sharknadoes. The acting is bland (especially Erica who looks bored enough that she retired from acting after this), the production is obviously cheap and there are very repetitive twists and turns that makes it a bit confusing. On top of all that, the sex scenes are not really worth the admission even if you look it up on google search engine. It may not be as awful as The Apocalypse and it may not be one of the worst movies by The Asylum but it is bad and highly forgettable. In short, these following video sum up this movie (and yes, it’s obviously coming).

Asylum Seeker: The Black Bat Rises

March 23, 2016 § Leave a comment

It’s me looking at the clumsy experiment that is TomCat Films Superhero Cinematic Universe and given that Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is hitting the cinemas this week, why not look at one obvious knockoff of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight franchise. The movie of course is The Black Bat Rises (aka Rise of the Black Bat) and it’s the second movie I’ve reviewed that’s based upon a public domain superhero character. Funnily enough, The Black Bat made its debut in comics the same month as Batman himself so if you think about it, there might be an alternate universe out there where I reviewed a movie called Rise of the Bat-Man.

The Black Bat
And it’s not a good sign so far since we have Scott Patrick in the helm and he gave us that awful Twilight mockbuster that is Blood Red Moon. The writer of this film, Trevor Payer, however fared a bit better since he wrote for other TomCat Films involving superheroes like Avenging Force: The Scarab and Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor and I really need to look into those films. Then again, I need to look at his written James Bond spoof called SpyFall which stars uh… nobody that we know of! Actually, do I need to look at it? Uh whatever, let’s just move on before I found out Top Secret gets a lazy referential reboot that nobody wanted or something.

SpyFall
The movie begins with two guys waiting for something before The Black Bat appears and attacks them. He also fights against other henchmen before his narration leads to an origin story… which starts off with The Black Bat fighting two rapists attempting to get their woman. Unusual start for the origin but his origin finally starts with his civilian identity of district attorney Tony Quinn (Jody Haucke) as he encounter Silk Kirby (Richard Groen) who warned him that an henchmen of notorious crime boss Oliver Snate (Leo Frost) is coming to kill him. As the henchmen is about to shoot Tony in the bed, Tony then appears shooting him instead and Silk got out of bed (?) before Tony asked him to call the cops because he said that the guy is bleeding all over his carpet.

Bed
The following day and Tony is about to present his court case against Oliver but surprisingly, his assistant Roberta (Celine Filion) blinded Tony with acid betraying her boss with Oliver watching the action. While living his life being blind, he then meets up with Carol Baldwin (Dixie Collins) and she mentions that Oliver killed her father whose a judge. She also throws in a proposition that would regain his eyesight and he accept only to find out that he gained night vision senses. So the first thing he’s gonna do is going undercover as a hustler while paying a thousand bucks to a guy who knows what Snate’s going to in a stage full of bikini-clad woman having a contest.

Undercover Disguise
Tony finally decides to be a vigilante and fought criminals before he gets to Snate, we get to see the first five minutes of the movie repeated again and then face Snate himself. A bunch of goons have been shot and The Black Bat pushes Snate outside before throwing the dynamite in the building and that’s about it. Well, there is a drawn comic art montage explaining the hero’s existence but the movie ends on this note and in the most anticlimactic way possible.

Black Bat 1
Okay, back when I reviewed Metal Man, I was in the mindset that I disliked the idea of superhero movie mockbusters and it was a pet peeve of mine. I didn’t like that movie back then and right now, the movie is a tad bit watchable but that’s pretty much all there is anyway. And I followed it up with The Amazing Bulk and Captain Battle and those two have a sense of entertaining values. This movie has no redeeming qualities, no so-bad-its-good acting, no cheesy effects and it’s nothing but a boredom that wastes our own time even if the time is us trying to sleep after being awake for several days.

Black Bat 2
The only positive I could give is the costume and the disguise but the costume might as well be originally taken from an Batman replica costume and the disguise is so dumb that nobody question the dated qualities of it. The acting is overall dull, the story is lifeless and unoriginal mishmash of Batman and Daredevil’s origins, it has noticeable bad lighting and there are sequences that drag on and on like a montage of him putting on the costume for the first to the stalking a woman sequence. Had it been constantly edited into a short film, it would be still be bad. In terms of reviewing TomCat’s superhero movies, this is so far the worst one for all and I’m not ashamed to say that Scott Patrick should really quit while he’s ahead.

Blood Red Moon

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