Sharknado 5 (Pre-Review Announcement)

August 7, 2017 § Leave a comment

Today is the day Sharknado 5: Global Swarming airs on SyFy and while I have yet to watch and review it, I thought I should make a Pre-Review announcement regarding this movie and the franchise itself and the announcement is a hard one but I must say it so the news about it is this, I think I’m retiring myself from reviewing the franchise after this movie and for a number of reasons that I hope it’s understandable.

While I’m trying not to go repetitive on what I said before, I mention a bunch of times about my dislikeness that Sharknado is becoming a parody of its genre but I do have understanding on it thanks to me looking at Sharknado: Feeding Frenzy. However, I now felt that the parody route they are going for is way overexposed and repetitive on this. I honestly thought it was having three movies but the fourth one is kind of pushing it and now we have a fifth one and possibly more.

There’s more to parody route and again, it goes to overexposure but this movie is already known for being a celebrity cameo deathpool. The first movie kind of have it with Cousin Oliver being the first case and then we have a sequel that includes Kelly Osbourne, Robert Hays, Perez Hilton and even Jared Fogle fallen to their sharkbites. Everybody who’s famous, infamous or formerly famous wants in the action after it and it is really getting sad. While not seeing the fifth at this time of writing, I found out Nichelle Nichols, Chris Kattan and Today Australia’s Karl Stefanovic is in this. Seriously, Karl Stefanovic? The guy who he himself said that he’s the Donald Trump of Breakfast TV? Uh, fuck this shit.

The third point is that the franchise is really losing steam and while the fifth now focuses on Sharknadoes throughout the world, I have to wonder what point is there to this? The third one has peaked when Fin, April and Gil going to Space so what is there to go beyond it? Uh, I do also heard that the fifth one might involve time travel or something so I’m not sure but then again, I do find it obvious that it’s coming since when I watched 2 Lava 2 Lantula, there’s a scene where Kyle discusses the craziness on Florida and he heard news that makes Florida Man blushed including a story involving a time machine. An guy who was an intern to Colton West mentioned time machine as a Florida story so I don’t know, I expect the sixth one now to be called Sharknado 666 and that the plot reveals that Lucifer is responsible for the continuous Sharknado craze. I might be wrong but if not, then it means that The Asylum has read my shit and that I think I need to go in hiding after that assumption.

Last point and this is hard but I’ll explain it. I like bad movies as much as the next guy and I’m a sucker when it comes to movies by Ed Wood, Uwe Boll, Tommy Wiseau, Neil Breen and so on. And when it comes to Sharknado, it makes me delay my time reviewing each one because honestly, I have low-to-no expectations and whenever I decide to go watch this one, I immediately change my mind and watch something else instead many times. I’m only a fan of the franchise when it comes to the first movie and Heart of Sharkness. Heck, maybe the first sequel as well but anything else is really getting me annoyed and  not amused that I am surprised that this franchise is still a thing.

So I do apologize if I might not review the sixth one next year but do keep in mind that I never say never in any case and somewhere down the road, I might look into the movie beyond 2018 and anything left in the franchise that shouldn’t exist. Heck, if Jeff Fahey or Nicolas Cage or Bruce Campbell is involved in the next one or later, I’ll might go back to it but it’s my site and I’m putting my foot down on this one. So in a week or two, I’ll look into the fifth one and with no delays and whether I’ll like it or not, it depends but I am losing my interest more and more on this series and wish to move on so uh, this is my say on the matter so hope you understand.

Asylum Seeker: Avenging Force – The Scarab

October 13, 2016 § Leave a comment

Getting to Avenging Force: The Scarab and I do have to wonder if that is a good name for the team of heroes that appeared in all those TomCat Films I reviewed that involves them. It might make sense but upon watching this movie, the case is that the team involves the characters within this movie and not Metal Man, The Black Bat and Agent Beetle. Come to think of it, why is the version of Blue Beetle called himself “AGENT Beetle” since he’s actually a former cop who has no agency backing him up so um, would Codename: Beetle be a better title for that movie?

agent-beetle

I am so going off a tangent but going back and I do wanna discuss a bit more about Brett Kelly. The first thing is that he himself is a actor on his own movies and I don’t mean by “director cameos” standards, he is listed as the star of his movies like My Dead Girlfriend and Kingdom Of The Vampire. The second is that he has his own company called Brett Kelly Entertainment which is cute but there is hardly entertaining value in Agent Beetle. The third and last thing is that he has a extensive list of movies that I looked at and it makes me wanna say this so fuck it, I’m making a separate category tag involving his name because I have yet to look at Jurassic Shark… and SpyFall which is now a running gag so sunuvabitch.

jurassic-shark

Now we get to the movie and we start the film in space (no, I’m not doing capital letter screaming), we have a mysterious narrator talking about space and whether aliens existed before it cuts to Cairo in 2600 BCE being hit by a small CGI asteroid. Following the long credits, we meet Professor Joab (Jurgen Vollrath) in modern day South America as he gets away from the mob of bounty hunters who shot Joab’s collegue in the jungle. As Joab got away and traveled back to his home, we then gone to N.E.D.O.R. Headquarters when Rose (Alix Pasquet) has been contacted by General Carter (Mark Redfield) who gave her a mission to stop The Sphinx (Jody Haucke) from retrieving the Scarab and rule the world with his two partners – Mystic (Jennifer Barnes) and Lady Satan (Angela Parent).

general-carter

We then meet up with the movie’s hero, Professor Peter Ward (Mark Courneyea) who has stumbled onto the action after he meets Joab and Joab’s bodyguard Bart Hill (Andre Givogue). He is saved by Rose who goes by The Woman In Red and together they want to unravel the mystery and retrieve the Scarab while not getting into the Sphinx’s thugs including hired bountry hunter The Black Terror (John E. McLenachan) who later decides to work with Peter and Red. After discovering the scarab, Peter becomes the hero himself and the three fought off The Sphinx and the thugs before the movie ends with The Sphinx being sentenced to an eternity of pain in space and The Scarab, The Woman in Red, The Black Terror and Bart Hill who becomes mute and go by Double Dare (because Daredevil is already a named character in Marvel) and thanks to Carter whose codename is Fighting Yank, they form themselves as Avenging Force and fight crime.

avenging-force

Earlier this week, I brought up if this movie is as equally boring and bad as Agent Beetle and my verdict is this – it is bad in a low-budget superhero movie manner but it is however not boring. In fact, this is probably the most consistent superhero movie that TomCat and Brett has ever done. There is a bit of filler sequence here and there but the funny thing is that the movie is only seventy minutes long with credits so taking those out, this is the shortest superhero movie I ever reviewed. And Brett at least give The Scarab and other public domain superheroes previously published by Nedor their moment to shine, even Bart Hill who may be hardly in the movie but he did have good fighting style and didn’t half-ass his acting.

space

The other actors in fact did well and the best ones are Alix who gives good exposition, Jody because he chewed the scenery big time and John who is a funny but unintentional mix of The Punisher and Captain Boomerang right down to acting a bit like Australian, he’s one of the best parts of the movie. And Mark did try his best as The Scarab, at first I thought he’s gonna be monotone and it shows during his introduction but he manage to act his way in so kudos to him for that. The story is usual Superhero fare, the script has few funny dialogue and it felt like I’m watching a proper superhero movie so this is worth checking out.

the-terror

However, the movie may be worth checking out but only by seeing-it-once kind of deal because there is better ways to interpret Nedor superheroes even by crossing over standards, comics like Alan Moore’s Terra Obscura and Alex Ross’ Project: Superpowers featured them and in a good storytelling feel. My proper suggestion is to check these comics first and then look at the movie because I read Tom Strong and Terra Obscura and know these characters first and Alan Moore did justice because he knows superhero history like the back of his read. I read a bit of Project: Superpowers as well and Alex gives his unique take so go by the comics and the movie. There, I’m done with this and I got one more left but it’s gonna be a while so next time… I have to watch Sucker Punch! I hope whatever after this might be a good Halloween fodder but then again, I don’t have much planned so this might have to do unless I thought of something so until next time.

Asylum Seeker: Agent Beetle

October 9, 2016 § Leave a comment

Given that there are only three superhero mockbusters by TomCat Films that I have yet to see and criticize, it gives me time to think which one I should look at for this “Nostalgia Lookback” review. On one hand, I’m thinking the one with Thor but since Thor: Ragnarok will be released in the future, I thought of saving that one and maybe that other Thor movie with that Home Improvement kid. So it now with two left, is the one focusing on the golden age Blue Beetle that is used by DC comics but not a whole or The Scarab which is not the weapon used by Blue Beetle but a totally different public domain character.

both

Hmm, both this week? Makes better sense since after this and Thor, I would be free of TomCat films that involves people in mask and costumes (but not free of other crap). So going with Agent Beetle first, let’s look at the director of this piece. Uh, not much about Brett Kelly really since well, he’s the director of movies I brought up in past reviews. Really, I mention his three directorial works Avenging Force: The Scarab, Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor and… uh, SpyFall! Come On, that’s the second review I mention that spoof. He did do other stuff including an Iron Man knockoff known as Iron Soldier and I might not be looking at that one because it may be distributed by TomCat Films but it’s not made by them.

iron-soldier

After getting caught, rookie detective Dan Garret (Daniel Lavigne) is in prison and presumed dead to the public but he instead became one of the subjects to a program set up by Dr Lilith (Jennifer Vallance) that involves convicts given powers and strength by chemicals but only if the convicts work for the doctor. After accepting to the experiment, he escapes from the company and decide to don the suit of The Beetle to stop Lilith and her goons which includes Widow (Christine Emes), Roach (Duncan Milloy), Mantis (Celine Filion) and Stinger (Mike Kosowan).

villains

Meanwhile, Beetle’s actions drew the attention of Julie Spencer (Emanuelle Carriere) who was Dan’s ex-girlfriend and reporter who wanted Beetle to be brought into justice but finds that Lilith and her pharmaceutical company H.I.V.E. are well, you get the picture. Now, it looks like another typical superhero movie with the usual origin set-up and the villainy. However, this brings something that I should point this out. I am very glad I’m not gonna watch this movie after this review because oh god, this might be the worst one TomCat has ever done so far and a very boring one as well.

beetle

It has similar beats to the previous mockbusters like the schlocky production, the hammy acting, reused shorts (including a CGI animated scene of the city) and weak costumes. It even includes a bikini contest scene which I have to wonder, have I already seen that in The Black Bat Rises? Huh, I bet The Scarab or Thor might involve stripper bar as well. And look at it this way, I didn’t hate the movie. I brought up that it’s boring and it really is but not for the fact that it looks like any other TomCat film but for the fact that it’s very slow and dragging along that the bikini contest scene went on for like five minutes. For a movie that’s near its 80 minute mark, it felt like I watched it for three hours.

city

But I hate to say this, there is a few positives here. One is that some had tried to act including Daniel Lavigne but they are overshadowed by others who act hammy including and Christine Emes. In fact and this is just me but Christine has the strong Amazonian look going and her character’s attitude of seducing either man or woman really is something here. That, and I think I have my first mockbuster celebrity crush so that’s strange.

widow

Overall, this movie is not worth it even if you wanna binge-watch all those superhero movies done by the company so skip this one even if you’re a massive Blue Beetle fan like Lewis Lovhaug. So now, I got The Scarab and the only thing I should wonder is I hope it’s not boring and bad but I can be wrong on this.

Asylum Seeker: Invasion Of The Pod People

April 19, 2016 § Leave a comment

Ever since I started reviewing, I start it out as a request-type thing but grew out into a mixture of several Asylum movies, few awful television episodes and even a set of movies made by two people who I am not bringing up since hey, I’m already done with their shit. Wait, did the last one broke my “persona non grata” rule? Uh, I’m not going further on this. But anyway, the movie I reviewed got me thinking about nostalgia and this year, I thought it’s best to look back over my past material by reviewing new stuff that’s related to it one way or another. In other words, this year is the “nostalgia lookback” to many stuff I reviewed before including crap like The Apocalypse.

The Apocalypse
So to start this kind of journey, I already brought up The Apocalypse so a movie by Justin Jones I guess. The movie of course is Invasion of the Pod People and let me tell you, this is one mockbuster to The Invasion which is a dumb, forgettable re-adaptation of Invasion of the Body Snatchers so it’s better to stick with the three previous adaptations instead. But if anything, it doesn’t have the word “apocalypse” in the title… and that it doesn’t have Rhett Giles in it so that’s a good thing, right?

Officer Barnes
The movie begins with the usual flying objects in space that you seen in Asylum movies at that time (no really, I’ve seen that shot before) before it cuts to the usual establishing shot of Los Angeles skyline (again, seen that shot before). We then meet with Melissa (Erica Roby) who’s watching the news about the asteroid attacks and she is really going by her business by going outside to watch the meteor showers. So yeah, falling rocks that might destroy Earth… eh, nothing interesting to her. And all of a sudden, it cuts to Melissa having sex with Andrew (David Shick) in a different building.

Flying Things
Melissa then drives and notice a strange guy in the path but ignores it and went on to the meeting with her boss Vickland (Michael Tower) and the conversation makes all the characters unlikable already. They’re talking about Taylor (Shaley Scott) who’s a model and we cut to Taylor being a model with a prima donna kind of attitude. Following that, Bailey (Lorraine Smith) enters Melissa’s office and gave her a strange-looking plant so Melissa could give it to her boss Samantha (Jessica Bork).

Plant
The plant (or plants) begin to give strange effects as one has transformed into a doppelgänger of Taylor while Taylor herself is calling the cops who strangely knows her name. The two Taylors meet and let’s just say the original copy is dead. Back to Melissa and she is having sex with Andrew again. Truly it’s a good time to do that given that we live in an age where… I don’t know… how about that Internet is already full of porn?

Sex Scene 1
Melissa discuss her relationship-of-sorts with Andrew and it plays out like a soap opera joke. Later that night, Melissa hears something strange and checks in to see what’s that noise. And surprise, that stranger in the streets she saw earlier sneakily appears with a guy and talks about what is going on before he shoots himself. The following morning, Melissa is driving to the streets like nothing happened before she notices the dead guy standing and… again, she’s driving like nothing happened! She then ends up on a pawn shop to check on the gun.

Gun
Melissa is back at her house with Bailey and they talked about Samantha and whatnot. Bailey then explains that Andrew might be hiding a skeleton in his closet and Melissa may check on what he’s hiding. And we then cut to Samantha snorting cocaine with the plant near her. She calls her boyfriend and argue about their relation before the plan takes form of Samantha. The following day and Melissa is meeting up with Detective Pete (Marat Glazer) about the dead guy Zach (Leigh Scott) and it brings up connections to her and the place she works.

Detective
Melissa is meeting with Samantha (well, a doppelgänger but moving on) and she’s beginning to come on to Melissa while being strangely happy (ain’t that obvious to why). Following it and Vickland talks to her about ideas while being angry and bossy. It’s night and Melissa and Samantha is having girl’s night out with Taylor and Melissa is finding it strange. And then we cut to Samantha’s house which involves… Melissa kissing Samantha and having sex while Taylor and a couple of other girls are having a threesome!

Sex Scene 2
Melissa wakes up wondering what she did last night and then tries to destroy the plant which strangely screams before putting a knife containing the plant’s blood for packaged evidence. Melissa is meeting with the detective and they talk about what’s going on (while background noises are louder than their dialogue) while giving him the evidence. Melissa then drives and noticing Andrew with his wife while seeing flowers that appeared in her place for unknown reason. Melissa is then talking to Andrew over the phone and Andrew brought up that Melissa was with Samantha and others the previous night which got her puzzled.

Plant 2
Taylor appeared at her door and she continues being puzzled. After Taylor gives her plant and exits, Melissa’s friend and co-worker Billie (Danae Nason) quits her job and finds the whole thing strange as well. Melissa then discuss the whole plot to Billie first and then Louise before Louise is revealed to be one of the pod people. She escapes and Vickland shoots Louise which makes him not one of the pod people. Vickland makes a phone call which makes him paranoid and then another Vickland enters with Billie being captive.

Vickland
So it leads to Melissa holding the gun to one Vickland and accidentally shoots him before she gives the gun to another Vickland and he kills himself (not in that way) and whoops, Melissa is fooled with shooting the wrong Vickland as he and Billie are part of the collective (that, and she is dumb enough to know which is which since she would have known that the Vickland she didn’t shoot acts very alien). Billie then pleads Melissa to touch the plant but surprise Detective Pete enters and he’s also part of it… or not since he’s faking it by shooting the pod people members. Melissa and Pete escapes and Billie appears (the one who is human by the way) to join them.

Billie
The three hatches a plan to destroy all the plants and its pod people and it leads to Melissa packing her stuff before Andrew (the pod people one) appears which has her pointing the gun at him and shoots him. She then picks Billie up and Billie then gets a call from… the real Melissa! The call leads to Melissa herself being captured and Billie is afraid so the movie ends with her encountering another doppelgänger of herself and she screams which not really echoes Donald Sutherland’s alien scream in the 1978 adaptation of Invasion of the Body Snatchers but hey, this is how it ends.

Scream
Okay, this is not really good and it does remind me more of Asylum movies I watched around that time period instead of ones involving Zombies and Sharknadoes. The acting is bland (especially Erica who looks bored enough that she retired from acting after this), the production is obviously cheap and there are very repetitive twists and turns that makes it a bit confusing. On top of all that, the sex scenes are not really worth the admission even if you look it up on google search engine. It may not be as awful as The Apocalypse and it may not be one of the worst movies by The Asylum but it is bad and highly forgettable. In short, these following video sum up this movie (and yes, it’s obviously coming).

Asylum Seeker: The Black Bat Rises

March 23, 2016 § Leave a comment

It’s me looking at the clumsy experiment that is TomCat Films Superhero Cinematic Universe and given that Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is hitting the cinemas this week, why not look at one obvious knockoff of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight franchise. The movie of course is The Black Bat Rises (aka Rise of the Black Bat) and it’s the second movie I’ve reviewed that’s based upon a public domain superhero character. Funnily enough, The Black Bat made its debut in comics the same month as Batman himself so if you think about it, there might be an alternate universe out there where I reviewed a movie called Rise of the Bat-Man.

The Black Bat
And it’s not a good sign so far since we have Scott Patrick in the helm and he gave us that awful Twilight mockbuster that is Blood Red Moon. The writer of this film, Trevor Payer, however fared a bit better since he wrote for other TomCat Films involving superheroes like Avenging Force: The Scarab and Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor and I really need to look into those films. Then again, I need to look at his written James Bond spoof called SpyFall which stars uh… nobody that we know of! Actually, do I need to look at it? Uh whatever, let’s just move on before I found out Top Secret gets a lazy referential reboot that nobody wanted or something.

SpyFall
The movie begins with two guys waiting for something before The Black Bat appears and attacks them. He also fights against other henchmen before his narration leads to an origin story… which starts off with The Black Bat fighting two rapists attempting to get their woman. Unusual start for the origin but his origin finally starts with his civilian identity of district attorney Tony Quinn (Jody Haucke) as he encounter Silk Kirby (Richard Groen) who warned him that an henchmen of notorious crime boss Oliver Snate (Leo Frost) is coming to kill him. As the henchmen is about to shoot Tony in the bed, Tony then appears shooting him instead and Silk got out of bed (?) before Tony asked him to call the cops because he said that the guy is bleeding all over his carpet.

Bed
The following day and Tony is about to present his court case against Oliver but surprisingly, his assistant Roberta (Celine Filion) blinded Tony with acid betraying her boss with Oliver watching the action. While living his life being blind, he then meets up with Carol Baldwin (Dixie Collins) and she mentions that Oliver killed her father whose a judge. She also throws in a proposition that would regain his eyesight and he accept only to find out that he gained night vision senses. So the first thing he’s gonna do is going undercover as a hustler while paying a thousand bucks to a guy who knows what Snate’s going to in a stage full of bikini-clad woman having a contest.

Undercover Disguise
Tony finally decides to be a vigilante and fought criminals before he gets to Snate, we get to see the first five minutes of the movie repeated again and then face Snate himself. A bunch of goons have been shot and The Black Bat pushes Snate outside before throwing the dynamite in the building and that’s about it. Well, there is a drawn comic art montage explaining the hero’s existence but the movie ends on this note and in the most anticlimactic way possible.

Black Bat 1
Okay, back when I reviewed Metal Man, I was in the mindset that I disliked the idea of superhero movie mockbusters and it was a pet peeve of mine. I didn’t like that movie back then and right now, the movie is a tad bit watchable but that’s pretty much all there is anyway. And I followed it up with The Amazing Bulk and Captain Battle and those two have a sense of entertaining values. This movie has no redeeming qualities, no so-bad-its-good acting, no cheesy effects and it’s nothing but a boredom that wastes our own time even if the time is us trying to sleep after being awake for several days.

Black Bat 2
The only positive I could give is the costume and the disguise but the costume might as well be originally taken from an Batman replica costume and the disguise is so dumb that nobody question the dated qualities of it. The acting is overall dull, the story is lifeless and unoriginal mishmash of Batman and Daredevil’s origins, it has noticeable bad lighting and there are sequences that drag on and on like a montage of him putting on the costume for the first to the stalking a woman sequence. Had it been constantly edited into a short film, it would be still be bad. In terms of reviewing TomCat’s superhero movies, this is so far the worst one for all and I’m not ashamed to say that Scott Patrick should really quit while he’s ahead.

Blood Red Moon

Asylum Seeker: The Zombinator

September 6, 2015 § Leave a comment

Well, I sort-of hinted this movie back in my review of Terminator: Genisys and here I am talking about this movie. I have rented it, I have watched it and I wrote a review about this… The Zombinator is simply not worth it, it really is not fucking worth it. In terms of mockbusters, this is one of the worst ones I have ever seen and well I have a legitimate reason to why I am hating this piece of shit – it’s more of a knockoff to George A. Romero’s Diary of the Dead than The Terminator and yes, this is definitely my first time reviewing a fucking found footage genre. Oh yeah, I’m not a fan of the genre and haven’t been since before Paranormal Activity franchise.

Paranormal Entity
Now let me bitch about this movie’s director – Sergio Myers. According to his bio in IMDB, he’s not only a director but also an actor, a reality show creator, a former documentarian (why former? he’s still doing it actually) and claims to make a movie that’s a mix of Woody Allen and Sacha Baron Cohen movies… yeah, I can definitely see this movie being in the style of Ali G. He’s also an award winner for a documentary about Heaven’s Gate cult. Oh, and he’s also a rapper who goes by the alias of Pony Boi! His rap name is Pony Boi! Now I’m not sure if he’s a brony or not so I’m not ranting on it but that name doesn’t scream gangster rapping cred. Also, his company is 7Ponies Productions… I can’t really argue on that one.

Pony Boi
I don’t know if I could recap and sum up the synopsis on this one since really – it’s a found footage zombie movie involving a character known as The Zombinator who’s only about 25% of the whole movie. If you seen Diary of the Dead, then chances are you already know the plot on this one because it’s the same shit really. Okay, I’ll try but it’s not worth it really. It focused on a group of documentarians investigating on some legendary murder on their hometown of Youngstown, Ohio and they document anything right down to the wake of one of their friends who’s a soldier killed in Afghanistan. Patrick Kilpatrick appears…

Patrick Kilpatrick
Uh, again, Patrick Kilpatrick appears as The Colonel who is sort-of paying respects to his fellow comrade but he left at the time the zombie outbreak suddenly occurs. What follows next is endless scenes of random people getting killed except possibly few cameramen who’s making the footage. Maybe one of them is killed but I don’t wanna bother watching it again. However, there’s a hero known simply as The Zombinator (Joseph Aviel) who shoots zombies and save remaining potential victims and cameraman. The Colonel reappears later on with his other comrades and they are responsible for the outbreak with killing (and raping) other survivors. Also, The Zombinator used to work for them but you know, he’s playing the hero now.

Zombinator
I think I should stop there since I have no care for how it ends, oh The Zombinator did survive but this is quite literally one of the worst movies I ever seen. Now I now there is legitimately good found footage movies out there – The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield and Chronicle are good examples but there is many, many bad ones that is simply just not worth it. It’s just bunch of movies recorded on cameras filled with jump scares and maybe some good visual effects but I am not a fan of this genre and this movie is part of the bottom of the barrel of found footage film library. There’s not much plot really, the characters are forgettable, the acting is improvised and it shows and the zombies are not really memorable.

Zombie
Joseph did an alright job as the title character but he really is playing a imitation of the iconic cyborg character. And Patrick Kilpatrick, why are you in this movie? Now it’s not because I already liked his performance in Gamebox 1.0 but he is a legitimate good actor who’s typecast as villains – look at Class of 1999 and Under Siege 2 and you can see that he did act his way into it. Heck, I remember he was one episode of The Sarah Connor Chronicles so how he went a good show to a bad movie that’s almost about the Terminator? I don’t know but speaking of Gamebox 1.0, whatever happened to Nate Richert?

Nate Richert
Well, that happened. Look, if you like Found Footage movies, fine but don’t watch this because it’s a mess through and through. If you like movies that are so bad it’s good, it’s not there. There is a scene involving one female character saying the guy looks like the Terminator before the guy next to him mentioned that she’s gonna die shortly because of the comment and that is simply the only memorable scene in the whole movie. Uh, fuck this movie and I’ll just watch Genisys again instead and Patrick, this movie is beneath you. It really is beneath you.

Asylum Seeker: Archie vs Sharknado

August 2, 2015 § Leave a comment

Why does this comic exist? Archie vs Sharknado! Yeah, Archie may be about a high school character of the same name along with friends and girlfriend (or girlfriends) having wacky adventures but why this kind of crossover? You know what? Let’s take back a bit further. Now we know Archie comics today as the kind which has Archie fighting zombies (and a predator) or being compared to Glee thanks to the recent reboot by Mark Waid but before all that, it’s kinda almost not relevant. To be specific, not many people reads Archie since after Sabrina The Teenage Witch finished its run on television (and Josie and the Pussycats was released in cinemas as well).

Josie And The Pussycats
And even though there’s still an audience for this, I hardly heard of or read anything on Archie before he starts teaming up with Obama and Palin, gained a fan-favorite gay character and did a storyline in which he married either Betty or Veronica (which ended in his death). Yeah, there’s Sonic comics that’s published by that company during their quiet period but I’m talking specifically about Archie here. And when he became relevant, he became that in a big way since I’m actually a fond fan of both Afterlife With Archie and The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. One is an ongoing zombie tale with good twist and turns while another is a creepy retroesque witch tale. And now comes this comic which might make him meeting The Punisher a lot more sense than I originally thought.

Archie vs Punisher
The story begins in Washington with Betty’s father going to the congress to talk about the proposal that might save the world, little did he and Betty and Veronica know is the storm is coming. The girls decide to have fun checking out the places before they go to the top of the Washington monument. And then Sharknado occurs and the girls are caught in it with the father being killed off. The girls try to survive while killing their sharks before the storm passes which leads to Betty wanted to warn Archie and over at Riverdale while Veronica wondered if he’s taking to the dance instead. Meanwhile at the beach in Riverdale, Cheryl Blossom asked Archie if he’s going to the party on her boat which he agrees.

She-Rambo
Nothing much happens but Archie is having a party, Jughead is hungry and Dilton are wondering if Betty and Veronica survived Sharknado after one of the checked data from NASA. Back to the girls and they ride to the airport which is grounded with sharks while Betty decides to fix a helicopter. Back at the beach and sharks appear on the sea so Archie and Cheryl needs to swim back along with few others and strangely enough, all sharks form a ladder which has them going to the boat. Sabrina and Salem notices it and decide to help out… which leads to Sabrina becoming lunch.

Sabrina
Archie decides to play hero by getting Sabrina’s boat and others went in there but a shark went away with Jughead’s hat. One of the sharks also took Cheryl’s bra which leads to guys looking at her topless before she covered it up. Oh, and Moose is surfing with two sharks. They made it land but not before the tornadoes appear which yeah, you all know this is coming. Dilton checked the calculations and discovered that the storm is headed towards school so Archie wants to warn them who’s in the dance. Back to Betty and Veronica and they are on the helicopter while killing sharks along the way, that’s about it.

Helicopter
Over at the high school dance, we see Josie and The Pussycats meeting up with the only celebrity cameo in the whole comic – Quint, the band responsible for some theme song involving sharks and tornadoes. The two bands collaborate and then Archie and his gang appears warning about the storm. Sharks kill few people and finally Betty and Veronica made it to the carnage. They are still finding ways to survive so what’s the solution? Play dodgeball against the sharks, I’m serious. Archie and others look into Svenson’s room for weapons and what weapons are there? Chainsaws… lots and lots of chainsaws (amongst few others).

Chainsaw
Dilton thought of the plan which is – another “bomb the stormy clouds” plan. And the others load up their weapons to kill some sharks before they reached Pop’s store. And as Cheryl got swallowed by the shark with the bomb, Archie decides to play Fin Shepherd and go after the shark. Obviously, Cheryl lives and the bomb is intact while Jughead gets his hat back and the bomb explodes which killed a lotta sharks. And the comic ends with the storm passed and everybody nearly lives with Archie and Cheryl an item.

Sugar Sugar
This comic is something but it has minor issues. It basically follows the same story (and why not, it’s written by the director of the three movies anyway) and nothing much really. It also felt rushed and a bit cringeworthy since really Anthony, you throwing two Evil Dead references in this comic? Come to think of it, I’m now thinking of the whole Sharknado franchise to be a mockbuster of Evil Dead franchise even with different scenarios outside of a single character whose choice of weapon is a chainsaw. And is this really worthy to the first (and so far only) comic associated with The Asylum?

Tara
Not really but that’s just my opinion. I guess, it reminds me of the time when Cannon films tried their comic book tie-ins with Superman IV: The Quest For Peace (which that one is obvious), Masters of the Universe (again, obvious), Cyborg and… Cobra! Well, the last part is an unofficial tie-in but still, there is such thing as a Cobra comic book. And if there’s more comics that has The Asylum involved in it, it might be better than this but my words might not be heard so to end it off, this comic is just not a great crossover idea but it at least it’s not as worst and more rushed than Image/Valiant DeathMate crossover. Huh, I just compared this one-shot to DeathMate, that is not a good thing. I hate to say this but I want to review another episode of The Neighbors right now.

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