Just A Harmless Attack #3: Dance Movies

November 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

Aah, Dance Movies. From the time when Vince Barbarino does his moves on disco to the second when the Swayze unleashes his moves, It was the best of times and the worst of times. However, The Worst has somehow went over the limit quite recently when you can listen to soundtrack that are autotuned to uh… Chris Brown giving his acting chops. I might say that the golden age of Dance Movie genre is long gone and Dance Dance Revolution is sadly not just an arcade game anymore.

So before I start this installment to “Just A Harmless Attack”, I should remind you that I’m only checking some of the movies involving this genre that’s released last decade as well this year and since those ones involves multicultural cast with their dance moves, I’m all for that. Because to be honest, I’m a bit old-fashioned since the last good movie released with the genre will have to be Honey and I just miss the days when those movies have some originality and anything else so just in case, You reading an article done by the person who preferred any movies released before the first one I’m gonna start of with…

Just Got Served – Long ago, I happen to see the movie and lost interest at how it involves. In fact, This make me not watch any Dance Movie after this and it’s because of the genre going downhill since this release. It’s about a group of dancers who wants their chance of freedom but with angst involved (with one of the characters getting shot) like several other movies. The movie might be minor box office success but it failed enough that it gained Omarion a couple of chart-topping hits and well this…

I never got the chance to see that spinoff and will I check it out? Dude, Have you looked at the cover? It’s like as if Kevin Federline shows us how to be better than Vanilla Ice, It could be that bad. On the plus side, I do like how South Park portrayed the movie in a comedic way with Lil’ Kim and everything.

Stomp The Yard – Okay, This one is a weird entry. It’s about dancers in the African-American University which I can take but with Ne-Yo and Chris Brown acting… Sure, I can deal with Ne-Yo acting but Chris Brown is a different story since we all know about the whole Rihanna controversy. Plus, It involves this dance craze known as Krump and it’s more of “Just Got Served for the College Set”. There is couple good parts like Chris Brown’s character getting killed off and the fact that the Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity & Sorority boycotted this movie. And the sad thing about that is The Alpha Phi Alpha later honored the filmmakers in the Frat’s 103rd Anniversary Convention. At least I’m glad that there’s no sequel coming out.

Make It Happen – Now let’s see this movie here… It has Mary Elizabeth Winstead in it. Sweet, I like her in few movies. Anything else, It’s exactly like Honey meaning no Serving or Krumping is involved. I guess I can see it. Now for the critical response, I can’t believe at what I’m checking. These reviews are harsh and it’s mentioned to have similarities with Save The Last Dance (which I like) and Flashdance (which is a bit overrated but anyway) plus it doesn’t show enough skin (and I don’t know what to think about that). Oh, And it’s mentioned that the Dance Moves are lazy and is nothing groundbreaking. Well, I seen the trailer and it looks okay. So if this is the worst movie to have Ramona Flowers herself, I don’t know what to do (but she did also star in Death Proof).

Step Up – And now for the main course, This movie and its sequels. I never seen it and prefer it to be easily forgotten. But like Twilight, It’s still fucking here. Why? I heard Step Up 2 is negatively criticized and then they made a second sequel which is in 3D. What is the point? It probably has the same clichés as other Dance Movies and the hope is that the movie ends with two main couples winning their passion or something. I may not be a serious clubber but after seeing the trailers for Step Up 3D not long ago, I prefer to go to some Gothic Club or Dungeons And Dragons Night. As for the soundtrack, It is sad that I think I heard the songs of Step Up 2 soundtrack and I think I should just stick to Dr Dre, 2Pac and Eminem’s early Pre-Encore material. So Step Up, You maybe a Box Office success but you also suck anyway.

So I’m done my part and stand by my comments. I could see “Make It Happen” but if there’s a chance I could review any of these other awful movies, It’s gonna be a little while longer. It’s mainly because I have a lot of stuff but then I’m scared shitless to see the Step Up franchise like I chickened out of Twilight just after seeing the first movie. And since those movies above have urban lifestyle and all, I’m not being a racist bastard like Michael fucking Richards (I’ve stopped watching Seinfeld reruns following that act) and already mentioned that I’m just a bit old-fashioned when it comes to these movies and music. So if you excuse me, I’m gonna drink to forget the first time I’ve seen You Got Served even though I’m doing that for years.


Just A Harmless Attack #2: Social Networks

September 26, 2010 § Leave a comment

It’s already obvious that we live in the kind of age of tomorrow that even H.G. Wells didn’t get to describe in one of his novels. We have portable MP3 Players, Hybrid Vehicles and Touch-Screen Computers that might sometimes have a glitch in somebody’s free time. I’m kind of a social type when it comes to various forms of Internet – from Forums, YouTube and Email Services. But for Social Networks, I’m kinda an anti-Social type when it comes to that so I’m gonna give my take on three major Social Networks plus one that I so against. Thankfully, I don’t anything to say about CraigsList or Tagged because I never researched/visited those so in this “Just A Harmless Attack” installment – It’s me against most of The Social Network.

This is unlike anything I done before but here’s a surprise – I have nothing against MySpace at all. And it’s for a good reason. Even if I haven’t checked out MySpace for several months, I still think of it as the original starting point of The Social Network itself. Well, I have little problems involving that but it’s not like I’m gonna blame Tom Anderson for that. First, It’s this MySpace member known as Corey Worthington and you might have heard of him. He’s the so-called “face of Generation Y” and I fully hate this cunt. He’s responsible for hosting the biggest parties in his parent’s house that generated police forces and publicity and his second 15 minutes of fame is appearing in a downunder version of Big Brother. I really hate this jerkoff and he’s by far the only member of MySpace that I wanna see him get comatose. Gee, I’m now heading for a dark territory.

I’m not certain but this picture of Tom Anderson is always on MySpace and there’s no other updated picture of the man responsible for this original social network. Is he missing or something?

Another thing is that it has an spinoff network and I’m not gonna attack this. I’m just surprised that this site still exists today. What I’m referring to is MyDeathSpace.com and involves deceased members of MySpace which is still surprising. I never visited that site and I know this because WikiPedia have an entry on this. At least I do say one thing – If there’s a perverted jerkoff visited this site and get turned on by any deceased member. He/she should have been captured by the authorities by then because MyDeathSpace is only preferrable to be viewable for innocent families and friends (maybe some MySpace members) to each deceased member.

Corey Worthington – I’m not sure but since Lady Gaga was accused of being a hermaphrodite, I’m theorising that she used to this party asshole before an unheard-of sex change but that’s just my theory.

Facebook: Like MySpace, I have nothing much against about Facebook. But unlike MySpace, I might go to the site anytime I want. Why? I’m one of those members of the “Tron: Legacy” viral campaign and it’s because of the forthcoming success of David Fincher’s The Social Network. This site is indeed mostly harmless since there’s always news about stalkers and other evils on the internet. When I think of the ongoing MySpace and Facebook battle, It’s kinda similar to the Coca-Cola Wars which is still happening since Pepsi is still around. So this is very shorter than anything else so my choice is Facebook is cool and awesome.

This is the person Justin Timberlake is gonna based on in the upcoming movie. Just as long as we don’t see a reference to that Superbowl event then I’m okay with it. Plus I hope his acting is approved beyond Southland Tales.

Bebo: Now this one is an “interlude” of sorts to this installment because this network is still a major one but not in the same sense as the other three. I fucking hate Bebo and I could go on with this one. First, the name of this social network. Even though it stands for “Blog Early, Blog Often”, It’s still a very stupid name and the style on the website is stupid. I hardly visited this site but I know this because my younger sister used to be a member and any site is like an mid-nineties GeoCities type and all-sparkling. I have loads more but it will take up a whole fucking page so moving on to the even worse one… well, to me anyway.

You know there’s a site called “Bo” which stands for “Blog Off”, right? Oh, I forgot about the other two letters.

Twitter: Now before I start, I know that this network has many members that I know ranging from celebrities to my close friends so I’m not gonna attack the followers. It’s just I’m attacking the site itself so what the fuck am I gonna say about Twitter? It’s the Social Network counterpart to the forthcoming apocalypse. I hate this more than Bebo and I wish I could go on and on about this shit of a phenomenon. Twitter is considered to be the so-called “SMS of the Internet” and it’s because it involves only 140 characters worth of each entry. Hello, we have other blog sites and it has much, much more than that. Do I even wanna check somebody’s entry saying that 10 minutes ago, he wrote “I just went shat on the toilet and what comes out is Bono of U2”? Fuck no. It’s sadly now dominate everywhere on Earth from news bulletins to any comic book. I actually do have one person against this thing and it’s the guy who made Twitter well-known. I’m talking about Ashton Kutcher, the star of That ’70’s Show and Punk’d so what I do think of Ash-Kutch (okay, that’s a funny nickname) now…

“I am Sir Ashton Kutcher and I invite you to follow me to the Twitterland”

That pretty much sums it up. While I can still any of his shows and movies, I now hate this fucking cunt because of what he did. Oh, and I’m not really gonna blame the network’s creator Jack Dorsey because I heard he’s not gonna get paid for the network’s creation. I now felt sorry for him but if he have any cash involved – I could take a cruise to America and gone to his house to kick him in the groin even if he has bodyguard near him. But since he felt cash-free, what’s the point? He’s gonna get kicked anyway and he doesn’t have bodyguards to pay for. Okay, maybe I did blame Jack for what I said so here’s an screen-caption before I make a closing point of this installment…

Jack Dorsey looks a bit like Eli Roth so if it’s played by him in a movie about Twitter, it means the Twitter members have been “ooh faced” by the director of Hostel.
So to end this installment, I can say that I can handle the sites that is MySpace and Facebook but I’m not a fanatic when it comes to Twitter and Bebo. Fuck, I once even heard Bebo’s shutting down for good riddance to them hopefully anyway. I might be wrong on that part so until I make another instead of “Just A Harmless Attack”, please don’t give your social network a very shitty name.

Next Installment: I’m taking on the Dance Movies of both last and this decade. That means they gonna get served by me.

Just A Harmless Attack #1: Twilight

September 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

Note: The following comments and jokes might offend Twilight fanatics. Then again, It might not so if you hate Twilight then please read along but if you like Twilight, well you can join in as well.

It is now certain that I’m yet another Anti-Twilight fan (or in their case, a”Twi-Hater”!) and while I wish I was called something else that these “Twi-Hards” having giving us (seriously, who named these names), I’m already certain that a very little group of people who likes the franchise is now reading this article. Well, I don’t blame them if they hate the way I’m gonna talk about. Though, They should know that I’m not the person who thinks Twilight sucks so at least, I will be safe on this one. Oh and I try to keep it to a minimum just in case that I’m not some Internet Troll.

Spot The Difference: One of them is not an Twilight Cosplayer and somehow ended up on this picture.

First I’m gonna talk about the actors (and less about their characters) and I’ll start off with the ”heartthrob” that is Robert Pattison. Though I hardly seen any Harry Potter movie adaptations (I don’t really hate Harry Potter so that one is clear off the JAHA mini-series), I know the fact that Robert himself is one of those adaptations and a perfect reason why the Hollywood executives are looking for an pale-skin vampire for this soon-to-be talked about movie. I’m not much against this guy but I do have something against two of his nicknames – R-Prattz and Spunky Ransom. These are the two of the weirdest nicknames for any celebrity that I ever heard. First of all, R-Prattz sounds like a childish rapper sensation and that seems to just cover it. Second of all, Spunky Ransom is both stupid and far-out funny. Not that it sounds like one of the names seen in ”Porn Star Name Generator”, It’s just a funny ring to some teenage heartthrob. Spunky Ransom… It should have suit for somebody else but for this Edward guy, it’s a bit hilarious.

”Duhhh… I’m Spunky Ransom. I’m da bess vampire in da hall wide road”

Then we get to his real-life (or staged) girlfriend herself, Kristen Stewart. Prior to Twilight, I have nothing against her anyway. She was good in Panic Room. But when she appears in the following scenes of this movie, She just looks either doped-out or very sleepy. Gee, I’m not even sure if she’s acting perfectly. Let’s say the next Twilight adaptation failed big in the box office and a premature ending to the franchise, then what will happen to ”K-Stew”? With or without Spunky Ransom, her life is probably darker. But that’s just my point-of-view.

”Hey…I’m Kristen Stewart… And you might have seen me… Where’s that coffee that I ordered?”

Then we get to Jacob Black himself, Taylor Lautner. I seen his previous role in The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl (Hey, I’m an Robert Rodriquez fan) and I enjoyed a bit of his performance but it’s nothing interesting. But when he gets to Twilight itself. He is nothing interesting on the first one (which is the only one I seen… so far!) and that’s before he went big on the sequels. Uh, I got one thing against him – He did the usual William Shatner shirtless routine (and that also goes with the rest of his Werewolf pack). Why? Is It just another fanservice idea for all the female fans? I don’t much care about that.

This is the guy who not only used to be in ”The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl” but he is also ”terrified” of sharks.

I can’t say much of the supporting cast, the villains and so on. And that’s probably because I seen the first movie. But when I seen the television spots, the websites and anything else. It looks pretty weird and the weirdest to me is Dakota Fanning as an red-eyed vampire something, a shirtless Werewolf pack and that Jasper guy. Something is weird and fucked-up about this and If I were stoned watching any of these movies, will it work or still be weird?

Why does this image of Twilight Werewolves remind of something?

Oh, that’s it! It reminds me of a screenshot to some bad David DeCoteau movie (Gee, Samantha Mayer must have strange taste).

The second part of this article involves the directors and while the first two is unheard-of-me (to me and until now), I can something about the one who directed Eclipse. First we have Catherine Hardwicke, the one who made the first one. She was already well-known for Thirteen, The Nativity and Lords of Dogtown. I seen Thirteen and it didn’t interest me and I enjoyed watching Lords of Dogtown (I haven’t seen The Nativity but maybe I will some day). Well, She deserved a free pass even though this is the director who did the first Twilight movie so I’m moving on to the second director. The one responsible for New Moon is Chris Weitz and he’s the one responsible for Fantasy Island (the one with Malcolm McDowell), Down To Earth and About A Boy. I think he also has a free pass because well… I seen the stuff he did and also enjoyed it. Now comes David Slade. Then we have David Slade. Give me a second to think about my take on David Slade…

AAARRGGGHHH! Why Does David Slade suddenly direct a Twilight movie? Why?

Okay, I’m done screaming at the outdoors. David Slade is the guy who did two of the best movies I very much enjoyed – Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night. He also made some cool music videos and prior to knowing he direct Eclipse, I think of him as one of the coolest directors of the last decade (I also think Richard Kelly is cool but he then made Southland Tales) and he is directing this sequel. What the fuck happened to you? You made Hard Candy, a perfect tale of Ellen Page brutalising a possible paedophile that is Patrick Wilson and you made 30 Days Of Night, one of the coolest comic book adaptation and this is how you end up with. Why? Is it because of the money? Is it because you like Vampires so much that the executives say no to you on ”Dark Days”? What just happened here? I’m not sure anymore but the person who directed Eclipse is not the David Slade I enjoyed and I’m pretty sure that you’re replaced by a doppelganger or something. I’m gonna go outdoors again and scream in terror before I move on the next part.

This is how somebody else feels when he realised who directed Eclipse?

Okay, I’m gonna stay sane and get through this. Now comes the plot device. I already mentioned that I seen the first one and I should mention that I never read any novels (including Twilight) since well, sometime after school. I’m a fanatic comic book reader and it’s the only medium of my reading material (other than news articles). This universe of Vampires and Werewolves seems to be inaccurate and it’s not just that ”A Vampire Shines on Sunlight” thing, it’s something else. It could be that so-called ”Volturi” and I seen better vampire coven in Buffy and Angel. Then again, it could be something else. There’s also an Vampire-vs-Werewolf thing happening in Eclipse and I’m pretty sure that Stephanie Meyer watched too much of Underworld (or that awful sequel/prequel movies). I’m sorry if I can’t help figuring it out what the fuck is going on so you just reading to a person who hasn’t seen ”New Moon” or ”Eclipse” just yet.

The Bella lookalike is played by MistressMelia and damn, that is how accurate Kristen Stewart supposes to look.

This part of the attack is the Fandom itself and fuck me, I never seen the franchise so big since The Lord Of The Rings hits the big screen. There’s stationary, graphic novels, figurines and even fake shit here. I’m pretty sure there’s even an no-budget porn version of Edward and Bella’s adventures. This… is getting way out of hand. Even the part about the nicknames like ”Twi-Hards” and ”Twi-Haters” which begs me the question on those nicknames. Why? It’s more stupid than ”R-Prattz” itself. I already confessed about me being an ”Twi-Hater” and that sounds very stupid. Where did that ”Anti-Twilight” name go? I rejected those kind of nicknames and prefer to think of myself as Anti-Twilight humanoid. Oh, and what else is disturbing is those Edward underpants… well let me say something about on this following caption/picture…

There’s no friggin’ way I will have sex with a hot female while leaving this underwear on. No friggin’ way.

… But I have one thing about this Fandom that I can sort-of take and it’s those related Soundtracks. It has my favorite musicians involved (and several that I hardly listen). I mean, I can take Muse involved in the Twilight wagon because Stephanie’s a big fan of the band. I can take Beck and Radiohead involved in it so the soundtrack is pretty much having a free pass but please, no Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga or Simple Plan on the later soundtracks, Please.

Muse: Even with them on the Twilight bandwagon, They’re still one of the coolest bands I know (And I wish I could think of a joke but dammit, This is Muse).

Is there anything else that I seem to be missing. I think I’m out of ideas at this point so at last, What do I still think of Twilight Saga itself. Other than David Slade, I’m still a Anti-Twilight dude but now that I dissect this multi-million sensation, it is okay that it’s still around. Will I watch New Moon and Eclipse? I do have a younger sister so who in god knows? I can tell you that I’m not looking forward to Vampires Suck, the latest parody movie as done by the Selterzerberg team and it’s not just because it’s about fucking with Twilight, It’s more of the directors themselves. So in a safe way to say this, Twilight is not the worst thing to hit us by far and if you like or hate it, do so anyway.

Though, I don’t listen to much of Paramore… I find the lead singer strangely attractive and yet, I’m not an Emo teenager!

So until I take on the social network next week – I decide to either watch Buffy, Angel, True Blood, The Lost Boys (well, the first one) or Blade because that way, at least these vampires aren’t that shiny.

Just A Harmless Attack: Introduction

September 23, 2010 § Leave a comment

What does this thing have to do with the movies I’m reviewing and other articles? Well, I know that elsewhere online we have a neverending group of fans arguing about ”Who Shoots First?” on the Star Wars saga while there are surprisingly fan forums, fansites and anything else of stuff you and/or I have hated (for example, Uwe Boll has his own fans in any so-bad-it’s-whatever movies prior to well, Rampage). This focusing on me taking a look at anything I hated on my daily basis to ask this question: Does this [insert-name] actually suck at what I thought and have I been wrong all along?

Will Dubya be part of these harmless attacks? He did lied about the WMDs, right?

Plus, the title itself ”Just A Harmless Attack” is just a bit inaccurate since there might be harmful stuff to say from time to time but I like the title for a reason – It sounds a bit like it comes out of an unaired Monty Python sketch. On the following weeks (while this week involves Twilight), there will be my point-of-view on The Social Network, Reality Television, Lady Gaga, heck… I even throw in Nickelback somewhere. Why not? And whatever the results will be – it will be such a ride.

Oh Twitter, I’m never a follower and I must know about your evil soul!

Oh, and if you have any suggestions to any JAHA topics that I might discuss in the near future (or movie reviews that I either have or will track down), just give me your words on francisdarko@ymail.com and also send me a message on That Guy With The Glasses forum (I’m there as ”GoofyHairOzzie”). Tomorrow, I’ll be taking on the biggest thing to hit the modern-day culture that is the Twilight saga so get ready to send those hate e-mails.

Coming This Sunday – I’m gonna take on William Katt’s screen test for Star Wars and why is it so overrated? (Okay, I was just fucking around but imagine The Greatest American Hero as Luke Skywalker?).

Where Am I?

You are currently browsing the Just A Harmless Attack category at The Ludovico Technique.